Michael Chitwood Wants, Gets Attention

Here’s Michael Chitwood, using a taser on himself. Hey, Mike! It’s a slow news week: You didn’t have to go this far in order to get the media’s attention. The only person who’s really excited about this is Ira Einhorn.

U.D. Police Now Taking Down Fliers

Upper Darby Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood was bicycling around town the other day when he spotted the now-infamous (at least on KYW 1060) racist fliers that quote Family Guy.

And then, NBC 10 tells us, he decided the police should take down speech he didn’t like. He had his officers remove 268 of these stupid fliers originally put up by the Keystone State Skinheads. There were even different posters this time that said “North Philly coming to your town” up along with the other ones that said “Guns don’t kill people — dangerous minorities do.”

Uh, yes: The police took down speech the police chief didn’t like. Even though it was put up by annoying racist fucks who apparently think parodies on Family Guy are meant to be taken literally… really? If I put up anti-war on drugs posters in Upper Darby, will Mike Chitwood send the cops out to take them all down?

But enough of that near-seriousness. The NBC 10 report also contains perhaps my favorite sentence in a news report, ever:

The NBC 10 Investigators have been trying to contact the Keystone State Skin Heads to find out why they are posting the flyers.

Gee! What could the skinheads be possibly putting up racist fliers for?

Police: Racist Flyers Blanket Suburban Neighborhood [NBC 10]

Attack Allows Chitwood To Say ‘Scumbag’ Again

Hey, the SEPTA attacks are spreading! Yesterday in Upper Darby, a woman and her child were attacked by two men dumb enough to not even change after she fought them off.

And then, hey, why not — Upper Darby Superintendent Michael Chitwood, everyone’s favorite drug warrior, held a press conference! And guess what he said?

Chitwood said they were far from regular boys. Both “scumbags,” he said, have lengthy arrest records, including drug charges, robberies, thefts and assaults.

I will give Chitwood this: At least he doesn’t use “thug.” Phew.

‘Scumbags’ get no Peace in Upper Darby [Daily News]

Son Stabber Hailed As American Hero

There are a lot of heroes in today’s world, but none are greater than Upper Darby’s Lawrence Dugan Sr., who attempted to murder his son. Yesterday, he officially became a free man, as his three months time served before posting bail was applied to his one-month sentence.

Dugan Jr. wouldn’t testify against his father, so Michael Chitwood — who told the best joke of all last year when he said the War on Drugs makes us safer — did the only natural thing and hailed him a hero:

“At the end of the day, I think justice has been served,” Chitwood said. “The father, even though he was the stabber, he was not the villain in this case.”

Ahh, yes, you see, the son was a heroin addict whose mom called him “evil.” Dugan Jr. is back in jail on theft charges — the article helpfully notes he was a “junkie” and that he was so evil he stabbed someone — and the father is not allowed any contact with his son. “Junior is a bad guy. You name it, he’s done it,” Chitwood said. “Junior is not an innocent victim in society. He put that family in fear.” Woo-hoo, vigilante justice in Upper Darby! I’m gonna kill all the scumbags I see — maybe I’ll get a parade!

Upper Darby man who stabbed junkie son is freed [Daily News]

IRA Terrorist Cell Broken Up In Upper Darby

Attention whore/Upper Darby Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood got a big pile of guns and stood in front of the media yesterday, but for once it wasn’t some pointless drug bust! This time it was an IRA terrorist cell broken up!

No word on what beef the IRA has with America, but we all know from Timothy McVeigh that Irish white dudes are totally terrorists. Apparently, the guy fled the country and went back to Ireland, and realtors showing the house pried open a storeroom door and found a cache of guns.

“It looks like he’s ready for war,” Chitwood said. “You can bet one thing, these weapons will not be out on the street…. These are street weapons.” Hell, yeah, we all know the IRA rolls tough with shotguns.

‘Nasty, nasty firepower’ found in Drexel Hill home [Delco Times]

Not In Your Occupied Country, ‘Scumbag’

Late last year, the Upper Darby police department — and its ubiquitous media whore police superintendent, Michael Chitwood — began selling t-shirts that read “Not in my town SCUMBAG!”

KYW 1060 now reports these shirts are “very popular,” perhaps due to their liberal use of needless quotes. They’re so popular a bunch of soldiers in Iraq are now getting them free, thanks to the Chitwood and Upper Darby police department. A woman from Upper Darby sported the shirt over in the sandbox, and apparently everyone was all into the shirts. (Will they get the “SCUMBAG” bumper stickers too?)

“I think that when you look at the analogy between Iraq and here in Upper Darby, you’re dealing with scumbags, you know. In Upper Darby it’s drug dealers, rapists, robbers but in Iraq, you’ve got terrorists who are killing American troops or killing civilians.”

Hey, this is a pretty good analogy, since the War on Drugs is going about as well as the War in Iraq.

Upper Darby ‘Scumbag T-Shirts’ See Action in Iraq [KYW 1060]
[Photo by Jeff Fusco/PW]

Class Heads To Philly, Girl Gets Protection

A third-grader in Upper Darby was suspended from school for 10 days for bringing a replica pistol to school.

She had the pistol on Monday because her brother couldn’t walk her to the bus as usual, and she said she needed it for protection. Her classmates eventually told the teacher and the teachers called the cops. (They were at a field trip at the Franklin Institute, naturally.)

Upper Darby police superintendent Michael Chitwood said she won’t be charged with a crime, as she didn’t threaten anyone. Yeah, she’s getting off easy! If you’re looking for justice, I really can’t agree more with Philly.com commenter Mark Funcanon. I fixed the typos.

That 3rd grader(8-year old girl) needs to not only be suspended for 2 weeks, but also expelled from school for a year. Even if she is finished sitting out for a year after being expelled, Upper Darby School District should not let her back in the that school district whatsoever, and instead sent her to a disciplinary school until she graduates from high school. What makes her and/or her parents think she is exempt from being expelled from school for a year because she’s just a little girl?

I don’t know, but she’s no different from everyone else. That girl played the game bringing a gun to school and she lost, big time. Under state law (Act 26), any student found to have a weapon on him or her on school grounds or property is not only subject to a 10-day (2 weeks) suspension, but also to instant arrest on the spot, and expulsion from school for 1 full year. No ifs, ands, or buts!!

And I applaud students, whether it was on a field trip or not, for snitching on that little girl. Maybe it was because these students don’t like that little girl and wanted to get back at her as retribution. Anyhow, Upper Darby cops needs to file charges against her and have the courts try her as an adult and seek double the maximum sentence against her to send to message to all kids don’t think just because they’re under 18, they could do whatever they please and get away with it.

Really, we need to show this girl some fine Upper Darby justice. So, Police Superintendent Chitwood, come on, break out the t-shirts and tell this girl: “Not in my town, scumbag!”

Third-grade girl suspended for having toy pistol [Inquirer]

Meth Labs Not The Only Thing Blowin’ Up

Remember the guy who was arrested for growing marijuana in a condo at $600k-a-pop Dockside? Well, despite still sitting in prison, he’s been arrested again for a marijuana-growing operation in Upper Darby, the Daily News‘ Christine Olley reports.

Now that’s a man with a commitment to his business.

Saji Ravindran, 29, was arrested on charges similar to the ones he’s facing in Philly: manufacturing, possession, possession with the intent to deliver and risking a catastrophe. On Saturday, Ravindran’s sister went to check on her parents’ house in the U.D. and heard smoke alarms. The cops and firefighters broke down the door and put out the fire, I guess, and later seized all the marijuana growing paraphernalia.

Upper Darby police superintendent Michael Chitwood, though, was happy he had to print one less “SCUMBAG” t-shirt:

For now, however, Chitwood is relieved. “We are lucky that we didn’t have an entire block blow up,” he said.

Shit! Marijuana growing operations can blow up now, too?

Jailed suspect charged with running 2nd pot lab [Daily News]
Dec. 7: Just Wait ‘Til The Trouble When Symphony House Opens
Upper Darby Enters T-Shirt War

Upper Darby Enters T-Shirt War

Upper Darby police superintendent Michael Chitwood is winning the War on Drugs. How? Well, last year, when he was hired in the job, he called drug dealers in the U.D. “scumbags.”

And perhaps taking a message from the “Cap’n Blunt” t-shirts, two Upper Darby police officers decided to make t-shirts out of the saying.

Two officers, Tim Law and Angelo O’Rangers, who were joking about the matter-of-fact expression, capitalized on it and ordered a couple dozen T-shirts emblazoned with the Upper Darby Police Department badge logo on the front and “Not in my town Scumbag” on the back.

“It was after reading it the first time in the Daily Times that the guys were talking about it,” Law said. “We figured since Superintendent Chitwood already had the slogan ‘protecting the community’ imprinted on the police cars that we should take the word and put it on T-shirts and picked the slogan ‘Not in my town Scumbag.’”

Yeah! Not in my town scumbag! What a great slogan for the only war rivaling Iraq in pointlessness. And coming soon: bumper stickers! Man, I think the whole drug problem just ended. Thanks, Upper Darby!

Upper Darby tells ’scumbags’ to get lost [Delco Times]
Aug. 21: T-Shirt Turned 21 In Prison Doing Life Without Parole

Like Mother, Like Son

In Upper Darby, home of the Tower Theater and the ubiquitious police chief Michael Chitwood (the father), there seems to be a lot of crime. Either that, or Michael Chitwood is good at sending out press releases and holding press conferences. Maybe a little of both.

Either way, things turned bad for a mother-and-son robbery team (but of course!) after a tipster identified the son from a video surveillance photo:

Police put Anthony Derubeis’ picture from the surveillance tape in the Delaware County Daily Times.

Police got a call from someone who identified the suspect by name. Anthony Derubeis and his mother were arrested and then surprised officers.

“He implicates his mother. He ratted out his own mother. You talk about no honor among thieves, that truly is,” Chitwood said.

Chitwood said that after Derubeis turned on his mother, Patricia Derubeis turned on her son.

Here’s when you know it’s bad: When the police chief is like, “Ehh… that was a little weird to turn over your mother.”

Caught On Tape: Mother, Son Mugging Suspects [NBC 10]