FILL IN HEADLINE

The opening sentence of Frank Diamond’s column in today’s Bulletin:

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes FILL IN EIGHT NAMES in baby carriages.”

This is why you never put placeholder words when laying out a page. Sometimes, it will make its way into the paper.

Update, 3:30 p.m.: Frank Diamond himself (!) emails in and says the opening was an intentional joke. I’ll take him at his word. Apologies if anyone shorted their Bulletin stock after reading this post.

Dr. Love Delivers Octuplets Advice [The Bulletin]

There Is Only One Hillary

Whoops! Looks like the Tribune Chronicle of Ohio — “The Mahoning Valley’s first online newspaper,” the website says — made a little mistake.

It was incorrectly reported in Tuesday’s Tribune Chronicle that Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton answered questions from voters in a local congressman’s office.

Reporter John Goodall, who was assigned to the story, spoke by telephone with Hillary Wicai Viers, who is a communications director in U.S. Rep. Charlie Wilson’s staff. According to the reporter, when Viers answered the phone with ‘‘This is Hillary,’’ he believed he was speaking with the Democratic presidential candidate, who had made several previous visits to the Mahoning Valley.

The quotes from Viers were incorrectly attributed to Clinton.

The Tribune Chronicle has yet to correct its recent movie review, which claimed Senator Clinton did a bang-up job in The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

Information attributed to Clinton was incorrect [Tribune Chronicle]

He Is Back! (Look Busy!)

Wait, if the death toll is being lowered, then that means… it’s the Second Coming! But, ah, Minnesota? I know I can’t bicker with the Lord and Savior, but… Minnesota? Nothing against it, but, I mean, come on.

Editor’s Note: And things like this are why you should take breaking news alerts with a giant, humongous grain of salt. You know, one of those ones deer get.

Death Toll Dips to 4 in Bridge Collapse [AP/Philly.com

To Be Fair, July Isn’t Really Hockey Season

No, Pat Gillick, we need pitching, not an undersized forward!

Briere signs 8-year $52 million deal with Phillies [SI.com]

Throwing A Slowdown On This ‘Speed’ Reference

Yesterday, a man was running for a the 33 bus in North Philadelphia. When the bus driver noticed him, the bus slowed down and the man was able to make it on the bus.

Unfortunately for him, a man was on the bus waiting for him. Immediately after the 45-year-old man got on the bus, a 50- to 60-year-old-man leaped at him, asked him where his money was, then shot him twice in the head.

Now, check out the Daily News story by David Gambacorta and Wendy Ruderman about the incident:

As in the movie “Speed,” no one was killed in this real-life violent-action scene, although a man was shot in the head, and a 12-year-old girl was trampled in the ensuing panic.

Uhh, what? Clearly, this lead was written by somebody who has never seen the movie Speed. (Which is a shame, because it’s Dennis Hopper’s best performance besides his role as King Koopa in Super Mario Bros.) Even if you only count the bus part of the movie, it’s still incorrect. Plot summary from Wikipedia:

The police commandeer a large flatbed truck to try to unload the passengers. Jack warns his superior that the attempt would be seen by the bomber (since television news helicopters are filming overhead) and the passengers killed. However, the young cop convinces Payne to allow the bus driver off the bus. Seeing the injured man taken off safely, a woman named Helen attempts to get off too. Payne, who is indeed watching, detonates a small charge below the floor of the bus near the door; Helen falls through the floor, and is run over and killed.

Geeze. You try to write a story that finally doesn’t contain the words thug or punk and you end up messing up a really stretched movie reference. Either that, or maybe this was a nice, comforting way of telling us that the 12-year-old girl trampled in the aftermath died.

Man scrambles to catch bus, only to catch bullets to the head [Daily News via 14th Windiest State]
Speed (film) [Wikipedia]

Weekly Press: Powerhouse University Of Pennsylvania Takes On Galloping Ghost Red Grange

Only one day ’til the big game! (The Puppy Bowl, that is.) Well, okay, there’s also the Super Bowl tomorrow, and the Center City Weekly Press syndicates a preview from the Christian Science Monitor in this week’s edition.

Here’s a scan (click to enlarge):

Just in case you can’t see or click for the bigger version, here’s two paragraphs from the story:

They are a bunch of relatively anonymous guys who might look just as natural playing on the local playground as they will in Houston two weeks from now, under a spotlight staged as much for the glamorous as the gritty.

The Super Bowl meeting between the New England Patriots and Carolina Panthers summons no memories of historic individual matchups. No two players will fill the roles of Achilles and Hector, carrying the fate of the conflict on their own shoulders.

First off: Gah, what torturous sportswriting. Second off: The preview is from 2004. It’s a preview of Super Bowl XXXVIII, which was played Feb. 1, 2004 and featured not only a 32-29 Patriots win but also a wardrobe malfunction.

Yes, the Weekly Press managed to run a preview from a Super Bowl played over three years ago. (And not even fix the sentences so it didn’t say “two weeks from now.” Also, there’s at last one instance of “Panther’s.” Sigh.) How would anyone even still have access to this preview? How did no one notice the story mentioned Ricky Manning intercepting three Donovan McNabb passes the week before?

And, most importantly, does this make the Weekly Press the funniest newspaper in Philadelphia? Why, yes. Yes, I think it does. Just wait until next week, when the Press reveals that Notre Dame won one for the Gipper and the Philadelphia National League Base Ball Club has been founded.

Editor’s Note: See, you aren’t just entertained on this website; you learn obscure sports history, too! The game referenced in the headline is real; Grange accounted for 363 yards in a 24-2 upset of Penn.

Norristown Paper Kills Man For Looking At It Wrong Way

A Conshohocken man, Rick Smith, was killed in a hit-and-run accident in State College. But the Norristown Times-Herald named Rick Smith of Norristown as the dead man. The paper even ran his ninth grade photo, which seems odd for a 21-year-old. (And odd that the paper found his ninth-grade photo but didn’t talk to any family members.)

NBC 10, as usual, plays it nice and straight:

A West Chester student finds out from frantic friends that a local newspaper declared him dead in a traffic accident. ¶ Rick Smith, 21, is from Norristown and is very much alive.

“I was shaking a little bit. Who wants to see that, your own obituary?” Smith said.

Uhh, hello? You could totally walk around with you obit and get people to do things for you. Or give you presents — “Happy rising from the dead!” — at least.

Student Discovers Local Paper Says He’s Dead [NBC 10]

Leftovers: 14-To-21 Year Olds, Dude

• Daily News senior writer Sandra Shea — who “makes sense of the big issues facing the city - and its taxpayers,” according to her tagline — says that not enough area companies have signed up with a program she wrote about that gives internships for 14-to-21 year old kids. Sound like a good program, but here’s the caveats. First, that’s a very odd age group for an internship program. 21-year-olds are ready to enter the workplace (or already in it) and 14-year-olds are still in high school. Second, how many has the Daily News hired? She doesn’t say, and — whoop whoop whoop, actual reporting alert — DN editor Michael Days couldn’t be reached at press time. [DN]

• Daily News again: The paper did a poll of boxing experts and asked them for their top 10 Middleweight fighters ever. Bernard Hopkins, who’s fighting his last fight today, made only a few lists, and the #1 ranked boxer on 4 out of 6 lists was Harry Greb. Helpfully, the paper provides a good guide to Harry Greb, saying the fighter had a record of 260-120-19. Well, that’s not a very good record. [Daily News]

• Legal MJ! Well, kinda. New Jersey is debating a law to legalize medicinal marijuana. Montel Williams is even for it. Gov. Corzine is for it. Hopefully, it’ll pass and some people with cancer/MS/etc. will be able to feel a little better. [Inquirer]

• Rick Santorum is changing around the words in the audio version of his book. Ha. [Attytood]

• An analyst has declared a “somber” season in the second half of this year, chiefly due to the company that owns Macy’s. Yes. [Reuters/Yahoo!]

• And, finally: Puppy! Aww, yay and whatnot. (It’s a Cavalier King Charles spaniel.) [Flickr]

Let Them Eat Steak

Hmm, what’s in the news today… let’s check out the trusty Wall Street Journal, known to some as the greatest newspaper on the planet:

Ahh, yes, Philadelphia. Home of the Liberty Bell, a pathetic baseball nine and our famous cheesecakes.

May 30: Press 1 For Asshole

‘Weekly Press’ Gets Punk’d

Have you gotten the Ashley Flores email yet? Oh, come on. Really? Okay, here’s the deal: Since sometime early last month, an email was circulated that said 13-year-old Ashley Flores was missing. It included a heartwrenching quote from her mother, a description of her father’s job (an Acme deli manager) and a photo of the girl.

Only problem, of course, is that it’s a hoax. No such girl has been reported missing in Philadelphia. Why someone starts such a lame chain letter — it doesn’t even include a “if you don’t forward this to 15 people in the next two days you will die!” — we can only speculate. But, we can hope that people check things out, don’t forward along emails and certainly don’t send them to newspapers. But, of course, we can also hope that the newspapers would check the story first, with at least a quick Google search or hopefully a call to the police, or…. oh.

Well, at least the paper can’t be accused of trying to hide the error. You can get a larger scan, plus another letter the Press ran, by clicking here.

Front Page [Weekly Press]
Ashley Flores [Snopes]