Jon Runyan Cardboard Cutout Theft!

From a recent crime report in the Chestnut Hill Local. Emphasis mine:

Feb. 7. 7800 block of Germantown Ave. An unknown person took a 6′5″ cutout of football player Jon Runyan from the vestibule at McDonald’s at approximately 7:45 a.m. The suspect was described as a black male, 6′2″, between the ages of 26-30, wearing a maroon jacket. He fled in a white ambulance with blue writing northbound on Germantown Ave.

Hmm… if you see someone carrying a cardboard cutout of Jon Runyan, I think you have your man. Especially if it’s an ambulance driver!

[via The Dalembert Report]

Brave Penn Kids Get McDonald’s Workers Fired

A group of Penn kids had a bad experience at the McDonald’s at 40th and Walnut the other night. This happens nearly every night, because when drunk kids from North Jersey and Long Island meet night shift workers making somewhere around minimum wage, no good things can happen.

Thanks to this being our modern era of technology, the Penn kids then made a group on Facebook imploring students to boycott McDonald’s. (It’s a well-known fact that nearly any event can lead Penn kids to boycott something, no matter how slight the offense.)

And, thanks to that, several workers at McDonald’s have been fired.

Wharton sophomore Keith Williams, who witnessed the incident, explained that he and a group of friends entered the McDonald’s that morning so his friend, a College junior who did not wish to be included in the article, could use the restroom.

The security guard told them that the friend was not allowed to use the restroom until he ordered food. The student proceeded to order a meal, Williams said, but the cashier made a mistake and needed an override from the shift manager.

Because the friend had already complained about the service, the manager on duty “deliberately told [the cashier] to take her time,” explained Williams. When he complained again, the security guard jumped in and began threatening the students.

The guard said things like “don’t make me take you out of here,” and referred to the rest of the customers as “stupid school kids,” Williams said. The cashier also screamed at the students for standing too close while trying to read the menu, Williams added.

Ha ha, I know what you’re thinking: This is the greatest McDonald’s of all time and it is totally worth eating their disgusting food to support it. Apparently, though, the McDonald’s caved to the record 17 (!!) complaints about its service and fired some people. For shame, McDonald’s.

And shame on the Daily Pennsylvanian, too, for using the phrases “a College junior who did not wish to be included in the article” and “a College sophomore who witnessed the incident but wished to remain anonymous for fear of repercussions.” Look, the least you can do is write these peoples’ names, so we can more easily mock them online.

McDonald’s boycott [sic] leads to firings [DP]

Exciting Center City Activity!

Yes, Center City is abuzz today with tons of activity. At Broad and Walnut, you have Marley & Me filming at one corner and, uh, a McDonald’s-sponsored “Chicken Dance Down South” at the other corner. Apparently, McDonald’s thinks you’re going to stop what you’re doing and dance with corporate tools and, uhm, some Mummers, of course. Or maybe this is the part of Marley & Me where the dog mauls Ronald McDonald to death.

McDonald’s Touches Black People

Like the unique African Boabab tree, which nourishes its community with leaves and fruit, McDonald’s has branched out to the African-American community nourishing it with valuable programs and opportunity.

I saw an ad on the subway today for 365black.com which also encouraged people to “register and vote.” (Note: It should be register to vote.) The website also features this sentence: “It’s a place where you can learn more about education, employment, career advancement and entrepreneurship opportunities, and meet real people whose lives have been touched by McDonald’s.”

Bristol Residents To Remain Full, Fat

A McDonald’s is opening in Bristol. This isn’t just any McDonald’s, though, it’s the first “Starbucks-like” “upscale” McDonald’s in the Philadelphia area.

(Please note, if you were asked, “Where will the first upscale McDonald’s open in the Philadelphia area?” and you answered “Bristol,” I’m impressed.)

The store will replace an existing McDonald’s, and will have more space and be more like Starbucks. I’m not quite sure how this works, but apparently Americans have tired of eating fatty foods in disgusting restaurants and want to do it in a little nicer place.

Although the new McDonald’s will be larger, the burgers will remain the same size — and remain fatty:

Councilman Joe Szafran took issue with the location of a Dumpster on the property, which the restaurant agreed to shroud in shrubbery. Szafran also wondered aloud about the nutritional content.

“You going to get rid of the trans fats?” he asked.

McDonald’s officials laughed at the question but did not respond.

Ha ha, you puny humans and your desire to not die of heart disease.

McDonald’s to build upscale restaurant on Bristol Pike [Bucks County Courier Times]

Keystone Cops: Billions And Billions Served

Keystone Cops is a look at police, crime and public safety news. It’s rather, uh, easy to do — yesterday, I didn’t even write any jokes! — so it looks like it’s going to happen every day. Smaller logo coming soon, though I love this photo.

• Cops in Bordentown arrested a man selling crack out of the drive-thru at McDonald’s on Route 130. Customers interviewed said it was the Happiest Meal they’ve ever head. [Camden Courier-Post]

• A former school board president in Reading has been arrested for robbing a bank, apparently unaware this is not the 1890s. A current school board member: “He had a lot of good works in the city. That’s got to count for something.” [AP/NBC 10]

• To be honest, I just want to know the backstory of this incident in Richland: “Don Woodward, 68, of Kintnersville, was charged with harassing an employee at the Dollar Tree on North West End Boulevard on Monday, police said. Barbara Woodward, 63, of Kintnersville, faces disorderly conduct charges stemming from the same incident, police said.” [Doylestown Intelligencer]

• And, in Northeast Philly, a car drove into a building, proving that no place is safe from traffic accidents up there. [6 ABC]

Morgan Spurlock Apologizes To Helmet-Wearing Kids The World Over

Earlier today, I posted about Morgan Spurlock’s comments at Hatboro Horsham High School, and how they offended people. He used the word “retarded,” made a reference to kids wearing helmets, bashed McDonald’s and cursed. You guys know the drill.

Spurlock has posted on his blog and has apologized to the community, with some clarifications and etc. Whatever. If he gave that speech at my school, I probably would have loved it, although he probably should have used more tact.

Naturally, judging from the comments to his blog post, people are acting like he’s the first person to ever use the word “retarded” in a self-depricating way before. No, they’re acting like he gunned down a few mentally challenged kids. And then blew up the Liberty Bell. (My favorite is the comment that chastizes him for using pejorative language and then calls him “white trash.”)

Anyway, something in his blog post made me realize why he cursed — he said he dropped two f-bombs — during his speech. Responding to his AP quote that said the “greatest lesson those kids learned today was the importance of free speech,” Spurlock posted the following (emphasis mine):

Lastly, in the article it quoted me as saying that the greatest lesson those kids learned was the importance of freedom of speech. When saying that, I did not mean that you have the right to insult anyone at will (as many people have interpreted it.) I was referring to the fact that the group that hired me to speak asked that I not mention McDonald’s in any of my talk because one of their board members owns a franchise. That would be like asking Neil Armstrong to speak but tell him he can’t bring up walking on the moon, so needless to say, I didn’t agree to their censorship.

Someone actually hired Morgan Spurlock — who is famous for one thing, making a movie about eating McDonald’s for a month — to give a speech and asked him not to mention McDonald’s. Simply fantastic.

A Letter of Explanation [Morgan Spurlock's Blog]
Earlier today: Hatboro Horsham Not Lovin’ It

Hatboro Horsham Not Lovin’ It

Remember Morgan Spurlock? He was the guy who made Super Size Me, the funny 2004 documentary that looked at America’s obesity problem.

In the movie, he ate McDonald’s at every meal for a month and encountered serious health problems due to it. (Remember those annoying people who then did it, but ate like, small McDonald’s portions and were like “You stupid liberal!” or something. They were way more annoying than he could ever be.) Since then, he had a TV show, a book and has been going on speaking engagements.

Friday, he spoke at Hatboro Horsham High School and caused a bit of a stir. He got a standing ovation after his speech, but some school officials didn’t like it because of his profanity and his line about teachers smoking marijuana in the balcony.

Oh, yeah, and he also joked about the low IQ of McDonald’s employees and made a comment about “retarded kids in the back wearing helmets.” There were several mentally challenged — insert your own PC term if that one’s not good enough for you — kids in the back, and since they weren’t really offended according to any news reports, school officials got upset for them and cancelled a later speech Spurlock was slated to give that night.

“If you put the whole package together, the use of the F-word and poking fun at teachers and the comments about special-needs students, it just wasn’t appropriate,” Superintendent William Lessa told the Associated Press, but Spurlock retorted with “The greatest lesson those kids learned today was the importance of free speech.”

Indeed! I think that’s actually in the first amendment: “You have the right to make fun of retarded kids at a high school.”

Update: Morgan Spurlock responds to the event on — where else — his blog.

Spurlock Lecture Causes Stir at Pa. School [AP/ABCNews.com]