Mark B. Cohen Saves Philadelphia!

Everyone’s favorite state rep:

Just as the battle lines are hardening, newly compiled figures on wage tax revenue growth threaten to end the battle over the mayor’s proposed cuts by giving the mayor a good reason to delay them. [...]

That is not the most optimistic way to make the projections. The city is collecting wage taxes at the rate of $125,141,400 a month. Assuming that monthly pace continues, the the city will wind up $342,978,000 AHEAD of its total revenue projection of $1,158,586.

We’re totally set with the extra $300 mil in revenue or so.

(Sorry, been busy with story reporting and research! I know, I’m surprised, too. Hopefully I’ll be back to a regular schedule later this week.)

Rep. Cohen Really Wants $2600

That Phillyblog thread about Mark B. Cohen petered out at 4 pages, but that doesn’t mean netizens elsewhere haven’t picked up the slack. Hell, even reporters just reporting facts (gasp!) have sort of gotten in on the game.

Check out this Philly.com post from Mario Cattabiani:

Don’t bother asking State Rep. Mark Cohen whether he, like each and every one of the other House Democratic leaders, is giving back his cost-of-living-adjustment that kicked in Monday.

He’s not saying. In fact, the Philadelphia Democrat might just walk away if you pursue it.

That’s what I found out yesterday.

After top Democratic leaders in the House announced late Tuesday that they were foregoing the 2.8 percent COLA, I stopped by Cohen’s Capitol office. He’s been in leadership since 1990, and currently served as Caucus Chairman.

He wasn’t there, so I left a message. No response.

I tried calling. Still no response.

Nothing too wild so far. Just a typical story about a typical hard-to-find Congressman, who doesn’t answer your question unless you go to a messageboard and ask him.

Yesterday, in the basement of the Capitol, I ran into Cohen and told him I had reached out twice, unsuccessfully.

“I respect your right to make phone calls,” he told me. I then asked if he was going to give back the COLA. He turned from me, without answering, and walked away.

This is great. Just walked away! Clearly, he’s taking the cost-of-living increase, unlike each and every one of his colleagues. Perhaps he needs the money, you say. Yes, let’s continue on:

He is now making $94,949 — $2,600 of which comes courtesy of the annual COLA.

A source told me that when House Democratic leaders were deciding early this week whether to give the money back, Cohen argued against the move.

Yes, that’s right, all this for a measly $2,600, which to be honest doesn’t even look all that attractive to myself, a professional blogger. Then again, we bloggers do light our nightly soothing aromatherapy candles with $100 bills.

Update: There’s a Phillyblog thread about this.

State Rep. Cohen mum on whether he will return his raise [Commonwealth Confidential]

Phillyblog Continues Great Internet Tradition Of Harassing Mark Cohen

How will politicians interact with the public in the future? If Mark B. Cohen’s recent post on Phillyblog (at 5:56 a.m.!) about library closings is any indication, it will not be cordial:

Today, the City Council of Philadelphia will consider a resolution pushed by Friends of the Free Library to keep the libraries threatened with closure open for six months to give the city time to fully review their value and other options.

In today’s Inquirer, columnist Daniel Rubin, in an article entitled, “Operator, Where’s the Nearest Library?” agrees with me that the cost of library shutdowns is about the same as the cost of 311 services–even assuming that the city does not get the $4 million to $8 customized software package that I believe is necessary over time to adequately run this system.

Actually, I fixed and put the link in the text, he left it out. Please, people, while you’re here, heed this writing suggestion: entitled isn’t horribly wrong, but just use titled; it sounds so much better. On a side note, the book Common Errors in English Usage calls its usage “pretentious.” Fitting?

Anyway, here is the first reply:

Does your house count as a library, with all the taxpayer funds you spent on mountains of books? How much of the public money you’ve squandered on personal expenses could have been used to improve public libraries and other services?

Don’t start pontificating that we should cut much needed projects like 311 when YOU are like a pig at the public trough, inappropriately spending OUR money on YOUR personal expenses.

And the second!

Good lord. We get it. You love libraries and children. Give it a rest.

And it even gets kinda funny!

“Operator, where’s the nearest library?” is a phrase you should start using to find out where you can borrow books and not buy them with the public’s money. You are shameless.

And it goes on and on about the book thing until Cohen himself replies in a post titled “And The Angels Sing”

Thanks to the above posters for so concisely documenting the kind of abuse that keeps almost all elected officials and the vast majority of civic leaders from posting on Phillyblog.

I hope your ugly cyberbullying gives you the satisfaction that you are looking for and adds meaning to your life.

I hope you will feel great joy every time someone who needs it cannot get library services.

Perhaps some day you will come to recognize that we are all living in this city together with people of different generations, races, and social classes, and denying people who need it library services hardly makes this a better place to live for any one at all.

I don’t need to tell you this is an incredible reply. But I would like to point out: Phillyblog posters, this is your finest hour. For example, the next post was a fucking image macro!!

Clearly outgunned here, Cohen does not retreat, God bless him. After someone says the posters on Phillyblog are Cohen’s “bosses,” he absolutely loses it:

You are not my bosses. And all my legislative actions have been fully in accordance with the law and all applicable ethical standards. I represent my constituency, which none of you live in, and most of you have never lived in. None of you have views that are at all representative of the people of my district, for whom you seem to have the greatest contempt, perhaps because they do meet your standards of financial success, perhaps because all of them do not have the same skin color that I do.

Anyone who tries to run a business, or a non-profit organization, or a governmental agency, and treats his or her employees with the kind of consistent calumny that you insist on demonstrating year after year is hardly likely to be successful by any measurement. A “boss” who hates his or her employees, who vilifies them publicly at every opportunity, is hardly likely to get worthwhile results or to get very far professionally.

But an employee who whines on messageboards about his boss is likely to get fired. (Zing!) Then comes the third paragraph of his post, which might top the brilliance of his previous best quote (”All over the country, people live longer lives because of me.”):

One of the great glories of this country is that each American, regardless of wealth, regardless of social class, regardless of race, has equal rights. I am one of those working on a daily basis to make those rights meaningful, and perhaps some day some of this totally excessive and counterproductive anger will dissipate enough to allow one or more of you to join me in these efforts.

You hear that? Mark B. Cohen is being harassed on Phillyblog because people are racist and classist! At the risk of inspiring another rogue commenter: And here I thought they were just scared of his penis.

The thread goes on for two more pages (for now) and discusses the City Institute library on Rittenhouse and Cohen calls the library closings “class warfare against people of moderate means.” No, dummy, that’s the drug war.

All in all, the whole blog post is really a brilliant piece of literature. In future years, I expect this thread to be compulsory reading in freshman English classes. It’s at that level.

Operator, Where’s The Nearest Library? [Phillyblog]

Whatever I Can Get

Someone — sorry, I can’t find who — sent this to me a while back and I rediscovered it now. I mean, obviously, why else would Mark B. Cohen be on Facebook besides friendship and networking?

B Is For Book Reports

Some of you may have been wondering just what State Rep. Mark B. Cohen does with all those books he has the state buy for him. Well, now we know: He reviews them on Amazon!

Cohen also only apparently reviews books he likes, since a quick scan revealed only two books that didn’t get five-star reviews. Every review is like a 500-word book report, even the entry for P is for Philadelphia.

Unfortunately, most of the reviews are of things that might actually be useful for Cohen’s job, with political memoirs and “leadership” books. Leadership books are pick-up artist manuals for people who like money more than they like vagina.

And, yes, if you’re wondering, Amazon review pages contain an RSS feed, so you can keep up with Mark B. the instant he posts a new review.

Reviews Written by Mark B. Cohen [Amazon]

Mark Cohen Would Like You To Know His Penis Is Not Afraid Of Itself

Here is what’s funny: When state lawmakers say things like, “All over the country, people live longer lives because of me.” Here is what’s funnier: When state lawmakers propose a Phillyblog Day. Here’s what’s even funnier: When state lawmakers make a post about reaching a certain number of posts on Phillyblog.

Even funnier than that is when state lawmakers go through and make a list of the posters on an Internet messageboard with 1,000 posts or more. And even funnier than that is when there’s a sort by posts, descending order feature on said messageboard but the lawmaker doesn’t know about it so he goes through and calculates all the top posts by hand.

And, of course, even funnier than that is when state lawmakers tell reporters they’re being libeled because of comments on a blog that are posted by “MBC Penis” and say “I feel threatened by philly blog and Rep. Mark B. Cohen’s penis.”

More »

Mark B. Cohen’s Research Methods Leave Much To Be Desired

As you may know from reading this site, Pennsylvania State Rep. Mark B. Cohen just loves the Internet messageboard Phillyblog. He adores it. He thinks it’s the bee’s knees. He thinks it will replace the Inquirer and Daily News as the news source for all Philadelphians. If Phillyblog were a sandwich, he’d eat it. If Phillyblog were a woman, he’d have sex with her. If Phillyblog were a blog, he’d post blog entries on there, I guess.

Last week, I noted Cohen’s attempt to become the Bill James of Phillyblog when he listed the Phillyblog members who had 1,000 posts or more. As the thread progressed, a few members posted about their omission. They had 1,000 posts, too, why weren’t they on the list of the Golden Few?

Turns out, Cohen didn’t know about the feature of sorting members by posts, which would have made his quest rather simple, of course. Instead, he apparently compiled the top Phillyblog posters all by hand before being notified about the automated way to do it. Later, he promised to do more research into Phillyblog members not from Philadelphia.

It’s difficult to say how unique Phillyaggie is. Chief Salsa, banned from this board for rules violations, accumulated over 3700 postsl many or all of them (I don’t know all the facts) were done while he was in Utah. Then there are two members of this list–I forget their names–from Richmond, Viriginia; one identifies himself as an ex-Philadelphian, and the other does not. Then there is a member of this list from St. Louis.

I’ll try to do more research on this question; anyone else is welcome to answer Phillyaggie’s question as well. He certainly will be a great addition to Philadelphia when he arrives here.

It is only a matter of time before Mark B. Cohen begins the Society for American Phillyblog Research, or SAPR. One day, his revolutionary messageboard counting statistics will be used o’er the land, coining the new term “sapermetrics.” Or perhaps: Cohenomics.

ldondre Makes 20,000th Post, As About 100 Phillybloggers Hit 1,000 - Page 8 [Phillyblog]
Archives: Mark B. Cohen

Mark B. Cohen Is The Bill James Of Phillyblog

Mark B. Cohen is really interested in Phillyblog stats. Apparently Eldondre is the Babe Ruth of Phillyblog, setting a record that will not be broken for years and years.

Eldondre made his made his 20,000 post yesterday, hitting at least 20,013. He is certainly setting a pace in this area that will be very hard for anyone of the 16,062 people who have joined us so far, or anyone who joins subsequently, to ever match.

Eldondre’s achievement inspired me to look at the other top-posting phillybloggers. I found a total of 81 who had 999 or more posts, and I know I did not have enough time or enough determination to pester those with access to create a printout of the database to cover everybody. I therefore would welcome any additions there might be to this list.

More »

Okay, I Quit

Hey, what’s up on Phillyblog! Ooh, a new thread by State Rep. Mark B. Cohen! Let’s take a l–

This is apparently done in response to this thread about what three Philadelphians past or present you would invite to dinner, the difference being that, if you wanted to get dinner with Phillyblog posters, you could just ask them if they wanted to go to dinner and hope they say yes.

What Phillyblogers Would You Like To Get Together for Dinner? [Phillyblog]

Mark B. Cohen Still Reading A Lot, Comparatively

Mark B. Cohen might be billing trips to a fancy soirée in New York to the taxpayers, but he has cut back a bit on the book habit. As you may remember, back in 2006 the Inquirer reported he had spent $28,200 in books for the past two years, including AOL for Dummies and The Zen of Gambling.

Well, Cohen’s book bill was just $3,200 last year, only purchasing a mere 63 books, all of which I’m sure he’s read and used to better the legislature.

Of course, Cohen is attempting to do anything he can to stop you from finding out about it.

Cohen spent $100 in January for the latest edition of the Open Government Guide, a detailed look by the Reporters Committee for the Freedom of the Press at the nation’s varied state laws dealing with public access to records.

A month after buying the book, Cohen became the only member of the new Speaker’s Reform Commission - a panel studying how to make Harrisburg more accountable - to vote against a proposal to provide expense records electronically.

If you dare to question Mark Cohen’s free-spending ways, he’ll pretend his free trips to New York and thousands and thousands of dollars of books is somehow good for me, average taxpayer.

The Pennsylvania Society is not much of a party either. There is no dancing, no romantic music and no mood of hilarity. It is considerably more staid than many, many Christmas parties. [...] Once again, the Inquirer has documented that I engage in legislative-related activities not only five days a week, but also on weekends, not only in Philadelphia but in other places where people relevant to the legislative process gather. This is a grasping, overreaching search for scandal where there is none.

Ha ha! Get it? His free tips to New York weren’t all that much fun, so it’s okay that we paid for it. Now where’s my fucking book report on What a Party!: My Life Among Democrats: Presidents, Candidates, Donors, Activists, Alligators and Other Wild Animals by Terry McAuliffe and Steve Kettmann? It was due last week.

3 weekends in N.Y. billed to Pa. taxpayers [Inquirer]
Bookworm turns over new leaf; tab is down to $3,200 [Inquirer]
Mark Cohen…charging vacation to taxpayers [Phillyblog]