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Jul
11
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Ronnie Polaneczky: Do we know if seat belts would save lives in school bus accidents? Well, let’s do a study! Instead of just thinking, “Gee, that makes sense,” and installing them!
Elmer Smith: What do you have to do to get a street named for somebody around here?
Mark Alan Hughes: “We need a mayor who can manage the tensions between old and new Philadelphians.” Yes, this seems very likely.
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dmac | 12:22 PM | 0 Comments
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Jun
23
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Mark Alan Hughes: Someone has to be the adult here, and other annoying statements, in today’s column! By the way, the Olympics are an awful idea.
Jill Porter: I was going to ask John Street to jump into a pool, but then I remembered that the city’s too good for that now!
Elmer Smith: Welcome, Crips and Bloods! Don’t stay too long, ya hear?
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dmac | 10:03 AM | 0 Comments
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Jun
13
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Ronnie Polaneczky: Building trades partnered with Philadelphia schools, it seems. Hallelujah! No, really. Hallelujah!
Mark Alan Hughes: “For seven years, the ability to count to five has qualified as’budget genius.’ We get the mayor we deserve.” Ha ha! Get it! Because John Street’s stupid!
Elmer Smith: The United States government likes it when prisoners commit suicide. Or something equally horrible.
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dmac | 10:36 AM | 0 Comments
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Jun
6
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Elmer Smith: Bill Cosby quote of the year: “Malcolm X talked about some of the same things I’m saying and they made a movie about him.” Indeed!
Ronnie Polaneczky: “Now, see, that surprises me, ’cause I know y’all think the gangsta life is cool. But when 50 Cent raps about bein’ a gangsta, this is what he’s talking about. I guess he’s not givin’ you the whole picture, right?” Oh, I get it. The murders in Philadelphia are due to 50 Cent.
Mark Alan Hughes: Z-Z-Z-Zoning code….
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dmac | 10:45 AM | 0 Comments
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May
23
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Elmer Smith: Bill Cosby brings his “Speak correctly!” tour all across America! Mushmouth not included!
Mark Alan Hughes: Six months ago, I sucker punched John Street with a witty bon mot. I’m sure you all remember it, right?
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dmac | 10:29 AM | 0 Comments
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May
16
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Elmer Smith: Old people couldn’t understand the new Medicare plan, so most of ‘em didn’t sign up. Hey, that’s the spirit!
Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, 73-year-old Judge Becker rides the EL to work every day from the Northeast. I don’t know how many years he’s done it, but I’m certain he should get some kind of award for that. Riding SEPTA all those times…
Mark Alan Hughes: Something about oil.
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dmac | 10:34 AM | 0 Comments
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Apr
25
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Ronnie Polaneczky: “On Feb. 1, 2005, Patti was killed on Roosevelt Boulevard in a hit-and-run accident so violent, it splattered her brains across the road.” Wellll, I’m having breakfast, so I’m done reading this column, thank you very much.
Elmer Smith: Gas is expensive!
Mark Alan Hughes: When I write things, the Inquirer columnists copy it a few weeks later. Bold throwaway line in a column about going back to school, eh?
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dmac | 9:51 AM | 0 Comments
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Mar
27
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Stu Bykofsky: Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, John Wilkes Booth, that evil pope, Nero and King Herod all want Philadelphia to pass a smoking ban! If Philly bans smoking, the terrorists, communists and the 18th century British Empire all win, bitches!
Urban Warrior Chris Brennan: Somehow, the city still continues to screw owners of The Sinking Homes of Logan™. And they’re blaming President Bush. Sigh.
John Baer: The Pennsylvania legislator is corrupt! In other news, Terrell Owens isn’t likely to receive a good welcome next year when he returns to Philadelphia.
Mark Alan Hughes: The city’s zoning code is outdated and needs to be fixed. In the meantime, fortunately we have politicians who think they’re entitled to whatever they want. Best description of Vince Fumo, like, ever: “He’s like the man who has more money than he ever expected but still finds himself a couple of inches and several IQ points short of what he wants.”
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dmac | 9:41 AM | 1 Comment
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Mar
7
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John Baer: Things aren’t so good for Joe Hoffel, as the 75-year-old who has called Fast Eddie “Edward G. Robinson” is viewed as a better candidate for Lt. Gov. than him. Of course, he’ll still run, and hurt the party in the process — but, then again, he is a Democrat.
Elmer Smith: Despite what the song says, it is hard to feel sympathy for a pimp’s plight. Also, the Daily News makes a push for young readers today by saying Dolly Parton should have won the Oscar for Best Original Song instead.
Ronnie Polaneczky: A family where the mom shot and killed the dad is pulling together and helping out the kids. “We like to say, ‘If we spit on you, you’re family,’” said the dad’s oldest brother, so I guess they spit on the kids a lot.
Mark Alan Hughes: Zzzzzzz… sorry, this column about the reorganization of housing agencies put me to sleep. Argh.
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dmac | 10:09 AM | 0 Comments
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