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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: This is what newspaper humor columns were like before the Internet. And Dave Barry. And the French and Indian War. Be happy those things happened, please.

Mark Alan Hughes: Here’s an argument to vote for Hillary you’ve already heard from her. Big states means big win over WALNUTS! McCain come November.

Fatimah Ali: Ahh, it’s good to see that even after the Daily News let Fatimah Ali write that Hillary was a murderer, they continue to let her write whatever the hell she wants: “One of the most effective ways to wire an election is to throw the voters off the mark by using some incendiary device like the Wright sermons to keep our focus off the remarks made over the years by the opposition. A little research will reveal some of the slurs that Clinton has hurled at Jews and East Indians.”

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Yeah, people should be allowed to eat and smoke whatever they want! Well, no, just the things that are already legal! Except foy grass!

Mark Alan Hughes: If you think the problems are unfixable, you’re looking for an excuse; but I’m allowed to say they’re unfixable.

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Mark Alan Hughes: I am so great that I am leaving my Daily News columnist job to go work for a candidate. Other people wouldn’t disclose it! How awesome am I?

Jill Porter: Duh, I like it when the word “BAR” goes spinning around.

Phil Goldsmith: Someone was honest in politics and I’m confused.

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Mayor Street is supporting his brother too much!

Mark Alan Hughes: Chaka Fattah is needed in Congress!

Michael Smerconish: Hey, let’s tell the maniacs who think they’re going to heaven for killing people that if they kill people, we’re going to destroy their holy cities. What downside could there be except the murder of million of people!

Stu Bykofsky: Could the SPCA return to animal control? Phew, this column makes some sense, at least.

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: I’M STILL OUTRAGED AT PARENTS AT SPORTING EVENTS!

Michael Smerconish: Citizen-soldier Michael Smerconish here, reporting for duty! We (America) may not be hunting for Bin Laden because, if we find him, people will want to pull out of Iraq. Hmm… yeah, Smerconish made a thoughtful point here; I’m kind of confused as to what to do next, too.

Mark Alan Hughes: That Philly-bashing op ed was wrong because of the Erie Canal!

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Jill Porter: Note: You apparently can’t write “ass” in the Daily News.

Mark Alan Hughes: Yeah, the city government should be planning the city, because they always do such a bang-up job!

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

John Baer: Lynn Swann won the debate against Ed Rendell. This should propel Swann into a crushing 15-point loss come November.

Mark Alan Hughes: Let’s write in candidates instead of voting for the people the Democrats want us to! Yeah! Let’s all do it! Everybody with me… hello… hey, where is everyone? Where are my legions of followers?

Ronnie Polaneczky: Doctors hate nurses.

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Elmer Smith: Woohoo, Pennsylvania will soon be passing “stand your ground” laws! Let’s just hope they don’t apply to t-shirts.

Mark Alan Hughes: Hey, I wrote an op-ed for the Washington Post a while ago! Aren’t I great?

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky Lots of grandparents raise kids in Philly.

Elmer Smith: Schizophrenia is funny!

Mark Alan Hughes: My distant cousin is awesome. I’m awesome. You all suck.

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: When Eagles tickets are involved, forgery is most certainly legal.

Elmer Smith: I’m competing with Will Bunch in a contest to see who hates Republicans more.

Mark Alan Hughes: If Michael Nutter wants to be mayor, he better read my column.