Cops Now Have World’s Greatest Coke

Hey, the Philadelphia police made a big cocaine bust on April Fool’s Day! The narcs got 300 kilos of cocaine and have claimed it’s worth $22 million.

The average coke price in a metro area like Philadelphia is $25-30 grand per kilo of coke. (Cocaine, like soda, is measured in metric.)

The cops are therefore claiming an incredible $73 grand per kilo, which means they totally have the purest cocaine ever. Or the $22 million the cops are claiming is just moon money, and, really, who cares? But why not go higher. “The cops seized a kilo of cocaine today worth a hillion jillion dollars. Now none of you kids go into selling drugs to make all this money!”

Update: The teevee says it’s actually $28 million worth of coke! No word if this is correct, but it’s just as correct as the original number, so who cares.

No fooling. Cops seize $22 million of cocaine [Inquirer]

Hey, Bonnie’s Back!

Okay, so I should probably write about this. So remember Bonnie & Clyde? No, not the real Bonnie & Clyde, the “Bonnie and Clyde of Identity Fraud,” the duo that captivated the Philadelphia area during the end of last year?

By duo, of course, I mean Jocelyn Kirsch’s breasts, since she was really the only one anybody cared to read about. (The dude’s name was Eddie or something.) Anyway, Jocelyn Kirsch is back in a new Daily News article by apparent Jocelyn Kirsch beat reporter Regina Medina; turns out she had a former boyfriend who thought he loved her, but it turns out she lied to him and treated him poorly. And she cheated on him! Jocelyn Kirsch is now every girl in America. (No offense, fairer sex.) Did she break up with him via email, too?

The ex-boyfriend, Jayson Verdibello, also wrote a pair of songs for her; I was kind of hoping we’d get MP3 files, but instead all we get are lyrics like “I can’t deny the curves of your body/ Or all the words you leave inside my lips/ How can I say all the words I want to/ When you paint the world in different hues of you?”

But back to the story, where hilarity abounds.

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Marijuana Eradicated From Philadelphia Streets

Sorry, pot smokers! A City Line bust of particularly potent marijuana has completely shut down the supply of marijuana in Philadelphia, and it simply won’t be available anymore. Score one for the War on Drugs!

Philadelphia police arrested 24-year-old Michael Cascioli and say they seized $1.4 million worth of marijuana and ’shrooms from his City Ave. apartment. The cops also say the seized marijuana was of the AK-47 variety, which is, like, almost as good as Purple Haze. (Or maybe it’s better? We got a copy of The Big Book of Buds: Volume 3 (really) in the office recently, so perhaps I will scan though and take a look.)

The MJ was destined for rich Main Line pot smokers, so between this and the Reid kids, white drug users are under attack from the government.

Anyway, the cops wasted six weeks on this investigation because it’s for the children, according to this hilarious lie in the CBS 3 report:

Police said the drugs would typically end up in the hands of wealthy teens who would often end up in the hospital due to the potency of the pot.

Anyway, with this bust, the War on Marijuana is finally over. Marijuana no longer exists, at least in Philadelphia; we’ve finally won the war. Sales of Teddy Grahams are expected to plummet.

Police Seize Million-Dollar Drug Cache in City Ave. Apartment [KYW 1060]
Potent Pot Seized In Million Dollar Drug Bust [CBS 3]

Curt Weldon Now Confirmed Liar, Too

One of the 2006 Philadelphia Will Do People of the Year, ex-U.S. Rep. Curt Weldon, is already making news in 2007. Yesterday, the House Ethics committee released a statement saying Weldon agreed to repay $23K from a lobbying trip, the Daily News‘ Bob Warner writes.

The repayment, no doubt part of a scheme by Nancy Pelosi, Jane Fonda and FDR, didn’t say where Weldon went, who paid for it or really any details that might prove of interest to anyone. But it does clear up that Curt Weldon was lying — the Daily News says “misleading” — when he said he had been investigated and cleared by the House ethics committee before the election.

It probably, though, has something to do with his daughter, as the trip took place in Jan. 2003 and — surprise! — two of his three trips that month were to firms that later became clients of her and Weldon buddy Charlie Sexton’s consulting firm.

Surely this is all a conspiracy, though.

Weldon, in reversal, to repay $23G [Daily News]
Archives: Curt Weldon

It’s Okay — It’s Only NBC 10

If you watched the earlier video on helicopter parents, you learned the sad tales of Marcie Rogo, whose parents control her finances, and Serene, whose roommate’s mother calls the landlord every day.

A quick trip to the Penn directory reveals only one Serene at Penn. And a quick trip to Facebook reveals where Serene lives…

… in a dorm. Her roommate’s mom either calls the dean of the college house or Judith Rodin every day, then. Hmm.

Earlier Today: Float Like A Helicopter, Whine Like A Penn Kid

Street Sticking To His, Uh, Libertarianism

Way back in June, City Council finally passed a smoking ban. The bill had exemptions, of course, but the city’s anti-smoking lobby was excited, City Council was excited, even some bar owners were down with it. It wasn’t so hot for Joe Camel, but, c’mon.

Mayor Street had until early September to sign the bill, City Council went on vacation and the whole thing was promptly forgotten, except for conversations with smokers in bars. (”Oh, you know we won’t be able to do that in a few months!” “Wow.” “Hey, want to come home with me?” “No.”) Everyone figured it’d be signed in a few months, would go into effect in January and we’d all come home smelling a lot less shitty.

Except, uh, right. In a clever and oh-so-predictable display of John Streetedness, John Street is probably not going to sign the bill.

It’s fairly simple, of course: Michael Nutter spearheaded the bill, and Street doesn’t like Nutter and doesn’t want him to be the next mayor. Street could probably come up with a good fake reason to oppose the bill, but he’s come up with, by far, the stupidest reason in the history of Philadelphia politics (And, remember, this is a city that bombed a block of rowhomes and let it burn.)

Street’s reasoning is, of course, that the smoking ban is “defective” because… it allows patrons to smoke outdoors. That’s right! Ol’ Johnny boy says he’s not going to sign the bill because you can smoke at sidewalk cafes. “A smoking ban that doesn’t include sidewalk cafes isn’t much of a ban.” Now, Street coulda said something about the exemptions for taverns — especially the clash between state and local laws, which force bars to choose between going smoke-free or closing on Sundays — or private clubs. Or he could have put on a chicken suit and clucked at cars for four hours yesterday in opposition to the bill because it uses the letter “e” too much.

Either of those would have been better, more reasonable reasons to dislike the smoking ban. But instead Street goes with the most random fake reason to dislike the bill he can come up with. In the smoking bans across this great nation of ours, where is the one place where you’re usually allowed to smoke? That’s right: Sidewalk cafes.

Oh, Street has another good money quote, too: “We are all for a ban, but the way it happened isn’t a model of the legislative process.” Okay, I’ll give you a minute to stop laughing before moving on.

Done? Good. So what’s going to happen now? As usual, who knows. All we know is: Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, and even if you don’t, well, somebody next to you might.

Street balking on smoke-ban bill [Daily News]
June 16: Q&A On The Smoking Bill

Candidate For Sheriff IS A HUGE FREAKING LIAR

Last Thursday, a press release came into the inbox from Michael Untermeyer, announcing a press conference about his candidacy for sheriff and telling the public the Rocky Statue would be there.

Today, Untermeyer sent out another press release, recapping his commitment to “professionalism, accountability and integrity” and attaching a photo from the campaign announcement:

Whoa. Wait a second. That’s just a guy painted bronze. (And they forgot a part of the pants.) And it’s a guy who doesn’t look much like Rocky at all. Is he even white? And he’s wearing red boxing gloves! And… he’s not in the Rocky Statue pose! And… wait a second, this candidate for sheriff is a huge freaking liar! This guy looks more like a statue of Clarence Weatherspoon than Rocky. Hell, it looks more like Apollo Creed than Rocky.

Looking back at his original press release, it says the “Rocky Statue” will be there. Putting it in quotes probably means he was technically not lying, but for a candidate whose campaign slogan is “a pledge of professionalism, accountability and integrity” it seems pretty weird to not explain that it wasn’t going to be the real Rocky Statue at your campaign event! And if you’re going to do that, at least use a podium that’s not from Cosi, please?

There aren’t many official political opinions here at Philadelphia Will Do. But since Untermeyer has shown that he can’t even put out a simple press release without lying — and got a horrible Rocky Statue stand-in at that — it is the official opinion of this blog that no one should vote for Michael Untermeyer come 2007. This blog does not care if the only other option is John Mark Karr, the robot from Small Wonder or Terrell Owens. You don’t lie about the Rocky statue. You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder!

Full release after the jump.

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