Levittown Priest Sends Awesome Letter

The annual St. Mike’s Fair in Levittown — which has been running since my dad was a student at the school, I think — wanted to have fireworks this year, but Tullytown¹ police say no go.

Why? Well, the Tullytown police chief was inconvenienced the last time they had fireworks, in 1995. “I was stuck with my patrol car on Levittown Parkway for three hours,” Police Chief Pat Priore actually told the newspaper.

St. Mike’s pastor Michael DiIorio isn’t happy with the decision. And he sent Tullytown an awesome/hilarious letter!

DiIorio said he didn’t believe the fireworks would draw 30,000 people. He called the number “arbitrary and grossly exaggerated.”

“Presently there are approximately 32,000 people in Levittown. I firmly doubt that every man, woman and child will attend the St. Michael’s Fair on one evening,” he wrote.

Tullytown has its own fireworks display every September. “If our fireworks are “unsafe’ then so are those of the borough,” DiIorio wrote. “Therefore, September fireworks for the borough should be cancelled at once.”

Ha ha, because he can’t have his fireworks he doesn’t want anyone to have them. Also, the annual Tullytown fireworks show is invitation only. Jerks!

¹ Levittown is only a post office and a census-designated place; the area that is Levittown actually spreads over five different townships/boroughs/whatever in Bucks County. When I was an intern at the Bucks County Courier Times, my bosses were very insistent that we never refer to anyone as “from Levittown,” as they were actually from Bristol Borough or whatever.

St. Mike’s Fair fireworks deemed ‘too dangerous’ [Bucks County Courier Times]

Satanic Cult On Rampage North Of Philly

There have now been three churches in Bucks County vandalized over the past couple days, and we’ve found a culprit: A Satanic cult! Two people went up to Rev. Michael C. DiIorio of St. Michael the Archangel in Levittown after a mass a few weeks back, said they were new to the area and told the pastor they wouldn’t be joining the parish because they were “demons.” And here I thought the people who wrote “God is dead” on the walls were part of a pack of angry Nietzsche followers.

“The boldness of it,” DiIorio said. “To come up and introduce themselves to you in that way.”

After the cops can’t find any demons, the following groups will be blamed: Witches, atheists, unicorns, robots, UFOs, agnostics. I eagerly await Panic Watch’s next update.