Historic Times For America, Easton Jewelers

I was watching an episode of Family Feud on Channel 69 (the Lehigh Valley station) because it had two teams of celebrity impersonators facing each other. This sort of makes the “Family” part of the show’s name kind of moot; but the Bono impersonator was really good. Wow, who knew there were Bono impersonators?

Anyway, I kept Channel 69 on to watch their 10 o’clock news program, and it opened with Obama’s historic speech at his historic enormous podium, the largest ever for a candidate’s election-night victory speech. The anchor talked about how the election was historic for America… and then explained that another historic event was taking place in Easton, where a jewelry store was closing.

To be fair, the store is the oldest in America.

I also learned that Red Bull has a helicopter that can do loops and other tricks, and that if you tried to do those in a regular helicopter, you would die. Good to know.

Helpful Thief Saves Children

Hey, did you see the Simpsons movie? I thought it was pretty good; it was, essentially, a long decent Simpsons episode. It wasn’t the Monorail episode, but what is? It was funnier than I expected and I really enjoyed it. PW’s Matt Prigge wrote the movie separated the Simpsons family from the great other characters, which I’d agree with. (Line of the article: “What, no lines for Duffman?”)

But, yeah, I enjoyed it, I laughed a lot, etc. In other Simpsons movie news — Oh, the head? Yeah, I figured I didn’t need to write about it, since you’d have the same reaction everyone does when they see it for the first time: “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!” That Bart costume should replace Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens as the defenders of atheism. Somebody just needs to wear that Bart head and say: “What God would allow this to exist?” Thought I guess God does have a sick sense of humor. (”Yeah, that awesome sex thing that makes you feel great? Well, you won’t be having any of it.”)

The abomination at right was being used by Becky’s Drive-In in Lehigh Township as a promotion for the Simpsons movie. (Apparently, they wanted to scare away customers.) Also, a drive-in movie theater? Is Lehigh Township in 1961? (Quick Googling reveals lots and lots of information on Becky’s Drive-In, including the location of the theater, “on Route 248 in Berlinsville, which is neglected on most roadmaps.”)

The newspaper that reported the story, The Morning Call in Allentown, is too classy to use a “D’oh!” while reporting the story, but does get a nice “Yoink!” in and the obligatory Nelson Muntz “Ha-ha!” and The Telltale Head references. But it doesn’t give the most likely explanation for the thievery: The “thief” was a modern day Robin Hood, only instead of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor he stole a giant freaky Bart head so children wouldn’t shit their pants in terror.

Losing the costume head will cost the Drive-In (or, their insurance company) $1,000. The article notes, though, that Lehigh Township is not a crime-ridden city: “It was the first time a costume — or anything of major value — had been stolen from the 61-year-old drive-in on Route 248.”

Ay, caramba! Thief makes off with Bart’s head [The Morning Call]

Today In Pointless Blogfeuds

Oh, man. Have we got an old-fashioned, knock-down-drag-out battle for you today. In one corner (on the left), Bernie O’Hare, Lehigh Valley blogger who lists Napoleon Dynamite as one of his favorite movies. And in the other corner, we have Tony Phyrillas, shameless self-promoter who doesn’t take anything from the government when he drives, which means he lays his own roads.

(Aside: In addition to being ranked as one of the top Greek-American bloggers, Phyrillas is a columnist for the Pottstown Mercury. While perusing Phyrillas’ blog, I came across this post about a guy who made an two-story outhouse with “politicians” up top and “taxpayers” at the bottom. Ho, ho! What an indictment of their policies! Anyway, Phyrillas says this outhouse “was the talk of the newsroom for days.” Now that sounds more fun than recounting to my coworkers my latest failed blind date.)

After the jump, the lowdown on the most pointless blog feud since… well, they’re all pointless, aren’t they?

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Swingers ‘Invade’ Lehigh Valley

Not content to let Christine Flowers be the only one moralizing about Club Kama Sutra, NBC 10 recently reported on the swingers’ club’s new location in the Lehigh Valley.

Club Kama Sutra, of course, used to hold swingers — or, as NBC 10 reports it, “swingers” (perhaps with finger quotes!) — parties in Philadelphia until CBS 3 did a scare report acting like they were the first ones to discover the well-known sex club. While NBC 10 doesn’t pull a CBS 3 and act like the world is ending because people like to have kinky sex, they do quote all the neighbors who are upset in the sleepy town of Coopersburg.

The Silhouette Showbar, a strip club, will be holding weekly sex parties for Club Kama Sutra members on Saturday nights. And the residents are opposed to it because:

“That’s disgusting,” said one resident. “It’s wrong, it’s immoral,” said another.

“It’s just not something you want in this quaint town of Coopersburg,” said Kathy Meinhart.

“Why do they need a club, why not go to their houses,” said Glen Rowe. “We got a daycare across the street, I have a 16 year old daughter.”

“The people who frequent those places have problems so it would be harmful to the families that live around there,” said Jeanette Alosi.

“I think we ought to get our video cameras and just camp out in the parking lot,” said a resident.

Ahh, yes, because the clientele of your normal swingers club — who walk in, pair off, have sex (well, I assume) — is definitely way worse than the people normally in the strip joint.

However, the Coopersburg residents should probably take a shot at that video camera idea. Because people who swap wives and husbands will definitely be worried if the residents of Coopersburg have a videotape of them! Hell, they’d probably get off on it.

Swingers’ Club Invades Small Local Town [NBC 10]

Leftovers: Snitchin’ Ain’t Bitchin’

• Ex-Rick Mariano lawyer Nino Tinari is now a consultant with Philip Chartock’s defense team, who are now saying Mariano was simply a thief and not someone who could have been bribed. There are so many stories that you just can’t make up today. It’s been too much. [Inky]

• Despite all this, here’s the headline of the day: “NFL Great’s Relative Admits Having Sex With Student.” Yes, and it’s George Halas’ great-nephew. That’s a bit of a stretch. [NBC 10]

• How do you publicize next month’s Phillymag issue? Why, you publish the article about Donald Trump online, because what we really need is to read more about him! The kicker, though: The article’s effing detailed, well-sourced and actually just tremendously interesting. One of the better things I’ve read in a while. Yes, I know. Black is white, and down is up. I can’t figure out what the hell’s going on, either. [Phillymag]

• Ex-MTV jock Chris Booker is headed to Q102, and the straight ladies and the gay men scream. Meanwhile, everyone else is like, “Holy shit! Q102 still exists?” [Inky]

• This story has everything: A ridiculous interpretation of spelling bee rules, a lot of angry parents, a lot of angry parent backlash and a newspaper editor accusing another newspaper of doing hack jobs on the spelling bee his paper sponsored. It’s the scandal of the century in the Lehigh Valley! [A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago]

• A woman in Bucks County has topped that whole newsstand stealing thing: She stole a whole house. She didn’t get a crane to pick it up or anything, though — check fraud is not nearly as cool. [AP/Inky]

Quickies: Best and worst

• Hey, the little gay movie that could Brokeback Mountain got eight Oscar nominations. Although Crash — which was just okay — got six nominations, so who know what these things are worth nowadays. [AP via Philly.com]

• In a list of award nominations that are totally accurate, Son of the Mask got a whopping eight Razzie noms. Upper Darby’s own Jamie Kennedy cries a single tear. [AP via CNN.com]

• With Lynn Swann proving to be a tougher-than-expected challenger for Gov. Ed Rendell, the downside for Pennsylvania Republicans is a larger turnout in Southeastern Pennsylvania, which means more Democrats at the polls. And those are just the live ones! (Rimshot.) [Washington Post]

• Okay, somebody fess up: Needles in food products in a Lehigh Valley supermarket? What the hell? Who even has time to mess around with pranks like that when there’s so much to do…. in Beth..lehem… okay, maybe it makes sense. [AP via Philly.com]