Badgers Set Up Provisional Iraqi Government

The competition is over.

British forces have denied rumours that they released a plague of ferocious badgers into the Iraqi city of Basra.

Update: Somebody smacked some sense into me and told me I should add some of the quotes. It must be a great job when you get to say this sentence seriously.

UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: “We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area.”

And I enjoy the description of the badgers as well.

“My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer,” she said. “It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey,” she told AFP.

British blamed for Basra badgers [BBC]

I’ll Answer Your Question, In My Next Sentence

In a shocking development, an online Christian dating site is popular, among Christians.

Is there a place single Christians can go to find a person who shares their likes, dislikes and, most importantly, their faith? According to Sean Barbera, spokesman for Christianmingle.com, the answer is yes.

Is there a place that does [x]? Why, yes, says a spokesperson for a company that does [x]?

Online Dating Site Popular Among Christians [The Bulletin]

‘Daily News’ Has Some Choice Leads Today, Too

It wasn’t just the Inquirer who had excellent, well-written leads today. No, the Daily News did its part as well to make sure the stories of the day were introduced in the most ridiculous way.

For example, longtime high school sports writer Ted Silary does a nice job introducing this story about some high school shot putters who rescued a woman from a burning house.

This was a track meet with no ordinary highlight. The best performance, by far, did involve running and jumping and teamwork, though. Along with wonderful bravery.

Hey! That’s unfair to shot put competitors. When’s the last time a shot put highlight included running and jumping and teamwork?

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‘Inky’ Destroys Field In Inappropriate Lead Competition

Today is the last day of classes at Penn — which means it’s almost my ex-girlfriend’s birthday, so I should remember when to call and say hi. But it’s also the tradition known as Hey Day, allegedly started by some student who said “If I make it to senior year, I’ll eat my hat!”

I’m sure this story, much like the “Penn kids stopped drinking at football games after Prohibition” one, is false. But no matter: Penn juniors will officially become seniors today after they put on red shirts, eat pieces off each other’s Styrofoam hats and dance around with old-timey canes.

In recent years, those oh-so-clever Penn kids have added two more traditions: (1) Chanting “show your tits” at the University President and (2) Members of the current senior class pelting juniors with mustard, shaving cream, ketchup, etc.

New tradition one was, apparently, sexist or something, and not just a way to tell ex-Penn president Judith Rodin she had a nice rack. And so people wrote letters to the editor and guest columns in the school paper and the Inquirer put it on the front page or something and eventually it stopped.

New tradition two, however, continued until last year, when apparently some whiny juniors couldn’t take getting hit with a couple condiments and the University threatened to cancel Hey Day. Eventually, this year’s Hey Day eliminated this tradition by making students sign responsibility pledges, always the cornerstone of any fun activity.

Anyway, Hey Day. Today. And here’s the Inquirer’s lead to today’s story, written by one Julie Stoiber:

Even before the horror at Virginia Tech this week put campus safety in the spotlight, administrators at the University of Pennsylvania had taken steps to quell what they say was a menacing turn in the school’s “Hey Day” ritual, scheduled for this afternoon, in which juniors are pelted with ketchup, fish, and other gross and potentially hazardous foodstuffs by graduating seniors.

After the jump, a few similar leads throughout the ages.

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One Way To Make People Not Read Past First Graf

CAPE MAY COURT HOUSE, N.J. - It may be the most compelling question since people started wondering who fathered Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

N.J.’s Mega Millions mystery prompts a wealth of questions [Inquirer]

Lead Of The Day, Chosen People Edition

In Hebrew, rabbi means “teacher.”

Rabbi adapts to new kidney [Camden Courier-Post]

Keystone Cops: Wait, ‘America’s Most Wanted’ Is Still On?

Keystone Cops is a look at police, crime and public safety news.

• New Jersey authorities began receiving tips about the Atlantic City serial killer after the killings were featured on America’s Most Wanted. Authorities responded by saying it’s not a serial killer. [Inquirer]

• After Felicia Johnson was convicted for first degree murder, she tried to throw a water pitcher and a microphone at the judge. She was found guilty of murdering a 15-year-old and making the janitor work overtime. [NBC 10]

• The (Pointless) War on Drugs did at least lead to this lead today: “More than a dozen local crack suppliers will be having a blue, blue Christmas - without their cherished drug stashes - because of two well-timed weekend raids.” The second “blue” is what sells it, I think. [Daily News]

• And a standoff with police also led to another good journalism moment, this headline on the West Chester Daily Local’s website: “BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! Standoff ends in Uwchlan.” [Daily Local]

Leftovers: McNabb To Return In Next [x] Months

• Donovan McNabb underwent surgery for his torn ACL yesterday, and here’s the Associated Press’ lead: “Donovan McNabb could miss as much as a year or could be ready for the 2007 season opener after having surgery yesterday to repair a torn knee ligament.” Or, perhaps, he could die from complications, or return tomorrow and lead the Eagles to the Super Bowl. [AP/Toronto Star]

• And another awesome AP lead, from Bethlehem, Pa.: “A man serving life without parole for stabbing his neighbor more than 80 times with a samurai sword and setting the victim’s clothes on fire was awarded $1 by a federal jury that ruled five of the officers arresting him used excessive force.” [AP/Philly.com]

• Good news: There are lots of flu vaccines this year. Bad news: There are so many, there will probably be a shortage next year. Aye. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• And the Philly Future comment of the century: “Oh… the ‘papers’ are going on strike? Thank God for the Evening Bulletin!” [Philly Future]

‘Bulletin’ Runs Best Lead Ever

In a column by Judie Brown, president of the American Life League:

When I first heard about the recently produced documentary, This Film Is Not Yet Rated, there was no real desire on my part to dig into the subject. After all, I thought, what has this got to do with ending abortion and stopping the spread of promiscuity that accompanies the entire panoply of birth control products?

Geeze, a little obsessed with your job, eh, Judie? After the jump, a bunch more excerpts to ease the pain of a Monday.

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Second Totally Awesome Lead Of The Day

The Daily News‘ pregnant woman lead was pretty good. But the Inquirer might have one-upped the DN with this gem:

The two skydivers - a veteran instructor and a novice jumper who were tethered - lay dead, their bones in jumbles, on a Gloucester County lawn across from a Home Depot.

Okay, so this lead is like The Godfather.

Skydiving went on after deaths [Inquirer]