Phillies Banned From Baseball For Winning World Series

p Ohh, it’s time! The Philadelphia Phillies — your most recent World Champions (!) — have opened spring training. Turns out the baseball offseason goes pretty quickly when you play ’til the end of October. Who knew?

But as excited as we all are for the start of baseball season, there’s another reason to get pumped, too: The return of baseball writing. Whether it’s whining about the integrity of the game that actually celebrates cheating (as long as it doesn’t involve a needle) or complaining that newfangled stats aren’t as good as old worthless ones (like pitchers’ wins), no sport brings out the best (worst) in a sportswriter like baseball.

Take this opening from yesterday’s Inquirer:

CLEARWATER, Fla. - If the 2009 Phillies exhibit an increased swagger when they arrive at training camp, it’s understandable. Figuratively at least, winning a World Series can have the same impact on ballplayers as steroids.

The key phrase in this lead is, of course, “at least.” Is Frank Fitzpatrick suggesting that winning a championship might work as well as steroids do?

If so, shouldn’t the Phillies have gained weight over the offseason? Instead, Ryan Howard and Brett Myers are a combined 50 pounds lighter.

But let’s not forget that baseball is also the top sport for nonsensical player quotes. Or, in this case, ex-players:

“There’s nothing that builds your confidence like winning [a championship],” said Del Unser, who did that with the 1980 Phillies. “It can take career monkeys off people’s backs.”

He’s actually not correct. While winning a title is good for confidence, it really can’t match an injection of Confidripine. I believe that’s been banned since the 1980s, though.

Photo by permanently scatterbrained used under a Creative Commons license

Fun With Newspaper Leads

“Have a nice day” was not exactly what Jon Bon Jovi said to the former sales manager of the Philadelphia Soul, who alleges that the rock icon and his partners in the Arena Football League team have not paid him nearly $125,000 in wages and commissions

“It’s my life,” said Bon Jovi, claiming that he did not owe the sales manager any extra money. He added the manager did not do a good job and was “a little runaway,” frequently missing meetings, and would “never say goodbye” beforehand. He said they had a little saying at the office about this guy: “Wanted: Dead or Alive.”

Jovi added several other statements about his time with the Soul. “Everyday” and “Always,” he said, was this guy paid his money, adding the team even bought his wife a “Bed of Roses.”

Later, Jovi seemed distraught. “Say It Isn’t So,” he said, adding that he needed “Something for the Pain.” He did add, though, that he was going to “Keep the Faith.”

Suit: Phila. Soul partners owe nearly $125,000 [Inquirer]
Image by Anirudh Koul used under a Creative Commons license

A Perspective-Changing Event

Your lead of the day, courtesy of the Daily Pennsylvanian:

Meg Ryan closed her eyes, tilted her head back and moaned, “Oh god, oh god.” She appeared to be experiencing an orgasm - but unknown to most men, she was faking it.

Just think, men, how far we’ve come since 1989.

This article also contains the following sentence: “For example, masturbation does not cause deformities.” I kind of miss covering events that would allow me to write awesome leads and sentences like these.

Also: “‘It totally changed my perspective on the vagina,’ College freshman Mathew Lazarus said.”

Sex Educators Demystify Orgasms [DP]

Your Lead Of The Year

In other news, we just lost power here at PW, and so my laptop is going to run out of power eventually. (Internet still works.) I’ll be moving locations and shall be back soon.

Update: OMG I just remembered the Obama office is above us. TERRORIST ATTACK BY JOHN MCCAIN!!!

Group To Announce Discovery Of Bigfoot [CBS 3]

A Dept. Store Return To Normalcy

Also, the story that goes along with this all-important poll has a super-awesome serious lead:

Most shelves were full yesterday at Boscov’s in Plymouth Meeting Mall, but the scene of normalcy concealed the turbulence rattling the region’s only surviving family-owned department store chain.

The Inquirer asks, “Will Boscov’s survive?” But the real question is: Boscov’s is still around? Heh. I had no idea.

Boscov’s sails into retail turbulence [Inquirer]

Lead Of The Day

The next time you lament “What’s the matter with kids today?,” consider these three teens from the historically black Boy Scout Troop 133 in West Philadelphia.

I’ll do that, Inquirer. Thanks for the advice.

Three in Philadelphia troop become Eagle Scouts [Inquirer]

Leads Of The Day

Let’s all congratulate Damon C. Williams, for the two best leads of the day anywhere.

First, Mural to bring cops, kids together today in N. Philly:

If art imitates life, then Philadelphia will become a beacon of peace and synergy if the Philadelphia Mural Arts Program has its way.

And, second, Are you a kid with nothing to do?

Attending summer camp can be an annual rite of passage for city youths - even those with mental or behavioral health issues.

The second story’s pretty interesting, actually, and it also contains the best-named school in the district: Gompers Middle School.

Hooray: You Might Not Die Soon

This is the most uplifting sentence you’ll read all day:

If you dial “911″ in Philadelphia for a medical emergency, you may soon have a better chance of surviving.

Well, okay, it’s still a maybe. Hopefully City Council will get on that after they get finished figuring out what to do with the city’s golf courses.

Philadelphia To Add Additional Medical Unites [CBS 3]
Phila. Council takes up city-owned golf courses [Inquirer]

Tons Of Butter Spill Onto Turnpike

Not only did a truck carrying 43 thousand pounds (21.5 tons) of butter nearly close the Northeast Extension when it crashed this morning, but then Action News did this intro to the story:

PLYMOUTH TWP., Pa. - February 5, 2008 — Butter is not jam… but it is jamming the Northeast Extension. A tractor trailer carrying butter overturned on the Northeast Extension southbound ramp to the eastbound Turnpike in Plymouth Township.

Investigators tell Action News that traffic is getting by on the shoulder, but further delays are expected when the cleanup begins.

What? It’s just butter. Just hire a diner to clean it up; they’ll never have to buy butter again.

Butter truck crash jams Northeast Extension [6 ABC]

Awesomest Lead Ever

God might be ever-present but representatives from the Roman Catholic Church were auspiciously absent from Monday night’s Bensalem Council meeting.

Church absent from cemetery hearing [Bucks Co. Courier Times]