Yankee Doodle Dandy

Yesterday, the author of The Boy of Steel spoke at several elementary schools in Bucks County, talking about his best-selling kids book where a cancer-striken boy goes to Yankee Stadium to be Robinson Cano’s bat boy for the day. (No, really.)

Author Ray Negron’s book clearly taught the kids everything they needed to know — you “shouldn’t give up if you are sick, if you are bald, or if you have special needs,” said one. In addition to writing Yankee-themed children’s books, Negron also works for the Yanks as a personal assistant to owner George Steinbrenner, who hired him originally after he caught him spraying graffiti on the wall of Yankee Stadium.

Allow me to compare the Yankees and the Phillies for a moment. Negron was somehow caught by the team owner defacing the team’s stadium. The owner then said he’d give him a chance and somehow he’s now The Boss’ assistant.

What do you think would happen if the Phillies caught someone spraypainting Citizens Bank Park? A quick arrest, a press release vowing prosecution to the full extent of the law, maybe even a segment on the local news. “Not even… two… year old… Citizens Bank Park… covered with graffiti!”

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Author tells kids to never give up [Bucks County Courier Times]
Photo by wallyg, licensed via Creative Commons

Pa. Mom Finds Way To Get Son To Do Long Division

Philadelphia Will Do is always committed to looking out for chances when the rest of the state looks as pathetic as we do, and so we bring you this story: A 30-year-old mom from Conewago Township, Adams County, admitted in court Monday that she routinely smokes pot with her 13-year-old son.

She did it, of course, to reward the boy for doing homework. (She also warned him to stay off cigarettes, so she’s not that irresponsible.) Amanda Lynn Livelsberger pled guilty to a laundry list of drug charges and corruption of minors. She said she’s been smoking up with her boy since he was 11.

In addition to the reward for finishing homework — who wants to bet her son gets straight As! — she also smoked with her son for another major reason:

Police said the boy indicated his mother told him if he smoked marijuana he would forget about his father, who is in prison for selling and smoking crack.

Shit. Break out the blow and everyone’ll be happier.

Mom admits giving son pot [The Evening Sun]

If Kids Read The ‘Inquirer’, It Wouldn’t Harm Them

Yesterday’s Faye Flam column was one of the more popular items for columnists: Answering hate mail.

Specifically, Flam’s 1700-word opus asked a rather simple question. She wondered, “Is my column hazardous for kids?” Apparently, since Flam began writing her “Carnal Knowledge” pop science/sex column, she and her editors have gotten hate mail, have cancelled their subscriptions and have told her that her sex column is going to ruin their kids lives.

Flam’s column comes to the conclusion that, no, her column does not ruin kids’ lives. (Phew!) And reading about a nude beach is not going to make kids have sex earlier.

And although it does touch on the idea that kids probably aren’t that interested in sex columns, more specifically Inquirer sex columns.

But it doesn’t ask the question that you’re having right now: Wait a minute, kids read newspapers? And, more specifically, kids read the Inquirer?

Hazardous for kids? [Inquirer]
Archives: Faye Flam

Councilwoman Cripples Late-Night Ice Cream Truck Business

Last week, Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown (that’s her, at right, in one of those annoying Phila.gov City Council headshots) introduced a bill in council that would institute a curfew of 9 p.m. for everyone under 13 in the City of Philadelphia. (It expands to a 9:30 p.m. in the summer and 10 p.m. on weekends.)

As usual, since kids can’t vote, politicians feel free to pass laws without worrying how anyone will feel about it. This leads to both good and bad laws, and I’m not quite sure how to look at this curfew bill. It’s supposed to stop the violence both by and done to kids, it seems, but if course since kids are shot while walking into school nowadays, I don’t know much it’ll work.

It’s not much different than the current curfew bill, except police will pick up kids, take them to the police station and call parents in to pick them up. But what if the parents never arrive? Well, then the city will have an army of sleep-deprived superkids, ready to take on the ills of our little 135-mile burg

Let’s let Councilwoman Brown describe her bill, though:

“We need our youth to hang in there,” the councilwoman said. “As we find ways to overcome violent behavior in our city. Our children need to develop character versus acting like the characters they see on television, in the movies, or culture often glorified in this day and age. Being in the house around a supportive system will help transition the focus from hanging out to hanging in.”

Indeed! And what better way to develop character by watching characters on television while at home due to the 9 p.m. curfew.

Councilwoman Wants Curfew For Children [The Evening Bulletin]
May 15: U.S. Rep Has No Friends On Myspace
Related: An ice cream truck in Philly might be selling drugs, but I couldn’t catch up to it in order to find out

Where The Wild (Liberal) Things Are

There’s a story in the Evening Bulletin today about Hillary Clunkton, a fictional cartoon character who is the villain of a series of conservative children’s books. (Don’t worry, it gets better.)

The third book in the Help! Mom! series — which had previous titles of Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed! and Help! Mom! Hollywood’s in My Hamper! — will feature Hillary being arrested, and you can even bid on an eBay auction to get to be the one who apprehends her.

I don’t really know why childrens’ books are the appropriate audience to bash Hillary Clinton, since kids (1) don’t vote and (2) don’t care. But, apparently, liberals have been polluting our kids’ minds for ages:

“Liberals have been targeting children in their war on traditional values for years,” says DeBrecht, a mother of three. “Since they can’t persuade adult voters to abandon personal responsibility and embrace the welfare state, they have instead chosen to flood our classrooms and libraries with books about gay kings, socialist fish, and even marijuana use. It’s time to put a stop to it - and ironically Hillary is going to help us do just that!”

Holy shit. There are kids books about that? Where’s my Choose Your Own Adventure where if I go to page 46, I get to smoke a bowl, and if I go to page 72, I get to chill with a sweet socialist fish? And don’t you think a gay king would be a blast to read about? Just think how nice his castle would be!

I feel so cheated.

Hillary’s Going To Jail; Charity To Benefit [The Evening Bulletin]