Depressing News

Looks like we should have known the Eagles were going to lose yesterday. It had been predicted by science! According to a British psychologist, today is the most depressing day in history.

Some of you may be skeptical. Why today? Wasn’t in January 24 the other year? Yes, it was, but I only remember that because it’s also my father’s birthday. The Jan. 24 date came from the same person, who releases the same study every year, knowing the press will print it. Anyway: The most depressing day of the year is more like Easter than Christmas, as it moves around from day to day. It, I guess, always falls on a Monday.

But you might still be skeptical, knowing that American science reporting is often no more than crazy charts and graphs about “hacking your brain” and British science stories are even worse, including the recent panic of coffee-induced hallucinations in nearly every major paper. Psshaw. Not only do we have the Eagles’ loss — including the heartbreaking comeback and ensuing failure — as evidence, we also have this:

Millions will feel so glum they will decide to stay in bed and up to a quarter of workers are expected to call in sick, research suggests. Psychologist Dr Cliff Arnall has devised a mathematical formula that pinpoints today as Blue Monday.

You get that! It’s a mathematical formula! That proves millions will just not get out of bed today — in England? or in the world? — and almost a quarter of workers called in sick. This has some merit: I mean, geeze, look at all the people off today! I passed by a government building and it was closed! Guess all the workers called in sick. Even the colleges are closed!

As to why this isn’t just the depressing day of the year, and is instead the saddest, bluest day in all of history, one needs to only ask Dr. Arnall again for his input: “The credit crunch means today is potentially the most depressing Blue Monday we have had.” Duh, people. Duh. I can’t believe I even have to explain this to you.

I know, you’re still wondering: But I’m pretty happy right now! Looks like I got off easy on the worst day in history. Please.

Meanwhile, William Hartson, a psychologist at Cambridge University, has devised a mathematical formula which marks today as the most likely for accidents.

Anyway, as I (and Dr. Arnall, and Dr. Hartson) have now conclusively proved, today is the most depressing day of all time. Either that, or we’ve proved that you can say whatever you want about anything, and someone will take you seriously. And if you’re doctor and have research that can suggest something, newspapers will treat your word as gospel.

Feeling blue? Today - January 19, 2009 - is the most depressing day in HISTORY, say experts [Daily Mail]
Image (of a record!) by Kevin Doley used under a Creative Commons license

Neighbors Shocked, Shockingly

What I love about stories like this one today about the Pottstown teenager accused of plotting a school attack are not just the awesome graphics they inspire from TV news stations. (An example, not from this story, is at right. It’s from ABC on a story I am far too lazy to go back and check.) And it’s not really that I’m happy a school shooting was thwarted, though that’s all well and good.

And it’s not even that these stories are sometimes on Philly.com, which sometimes has awesome side headlines like, “http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/greenliving/Sustainable_seafood_Grocery_chains_still_falling_short.html”>Sustainable seafood: Grocery chains still falling short.”

No, what I really like are the quotes from shocked neighbors, friends, etc., about how they could never imagine said suspect (in this case, 15-year-old Pottstown High School freshman Richard Yanis) doing such a thing:

Neighbors of the Yanises said the young man was a familiar presence who seemed outgoing and friendly with other children.

One young man with whom Yanis sometimes played football, tag and video games said he was shocked by the accusations.

“I really don’t think he is the person who was going to do that,” Nat Creasy, 11, said. “He was always a nice kid.”

Brian J. Steer said that he had known Yanis since the family moved in across the street about seven years ago and that “the idea he would do anything along these lines, to me, is hard to believe.”

These are in every story like this, and in many stories about murders, and yet the quotes could have been pulled from the Random Shocked Quote Generator 10000, available from me for only four easy payments of $45.45. Does someone have to wear a black trenchcoat in order to commit a school shooting, like in that famous one 10 years ago?

I’m not quite sure what reporters should do; interviewing neighbors is part of the game, and I’m sure every once in a while somebody says, “Oh, yeah, that guy just arrested for ax murder was a real asshole.” And so that probably makes it worth it, even though the newspaper will change the quote to “real [bleep].”

In the meantime, act now: The RSQG 10000 has just been slashed to three easy payments of $45.45!

Pottstown teen accused of plotting school attack [Inquirer]

Here’s Some Change I Can Get Behind

The Associated Press is adopting a universal style for referring to all heads of state, including the United States. Effective Thursday at 3 a.m. EST, the AP will use the title and first and family names on first reference: President George W. Bush, not just President Bush; President-elect Barack Obama, not just President-elect Obama; President Nicolas Sarkozy, not just President Sarkozy.

There’s several awesome things about this note from the AP, but my favorite one is that this changeover has a middle-of-the-night start time. Oh, how will President Barack Obama deal with this 3 a.m. crisis?!

But, really, who can get excited about changes like this when papers still use “Web site” as their style? There are still major changes to fight for, people. [via Romenesko]

Angry Ex-Journalist

By now you may have seen the site Angry Journalist — Is that a hacked Wordpress install? Pretty clever if so! — where anonymous journalists rant about why they hate journalism.

While things aren’t exactly going all that smoothly in the industry right now, journalists have been complaining since Johan Gutenberg said, “Fluch! Bewegliche gedruckte Art ist ein Ausfall.” (According to Babelfish, “Damn! Movable printed type is a failure.” I translated that from English, so the German translation is no doubt wrong.)

Anyway, a co-worker of mine (thanks, Alli!) came across a possible recent anonymous post that really fits well with a certain former editor of a local alternative weekly.

Oh, now, come on, Hickey! I can’t speak for everybody, but I never trusted you — to soil our youth by mocking a man trying to show them the evils of 4:20… becoming Johnny Doc’s campaign manager was really your only option.

Update, 2/29: Aw, Hickey says it wasn’t him. Which is what I knew, which is why I didn’t ask, because then I’d have to make a new joke. If you need me, I’ll be circling around a dying man somewhere in Arizona.

Alycia Lane: Just Friends With Rich Eisen

It turns out Alycia Lane isn’t nearly as cool as we all thought.

Today, she talks with the Inquirer’s Michael Klein and insisted she was not a home-wrecker. (The Inquirer’s interview is “exclusive,” since last time Lane talked with Dan Gross she screamed at him or something. Gross still has a cover story, though.)

Lane tells Klein the emails were part of friendly banter between friends, and the photos contained photos of her and several friends on the beach.

Holy shit. The photos are even better than anyone thought.

“I don’t want to hurt his marriage,” said Lane, 34, whose second divorce was recently final. “I hope love comes to me. I’m not looking for it with a married man. I have been the married girl who was cheated on.”

Considering the emails I got yesterday essentially proposing to Lane (more on this later), I can only assume Lane’s CBS3 inbox — ha ha, in box!… sorry, I’m apparently 15 years old — will be filled with the ramblings of stupid twentysomethings later today, especially since she said “I hope love comes to me.”

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A Freelancer’s Taste Of Anger

You may have read ex-WHYY staffer Rachel Buchman’s pieceabout being a freelance writer in Sunday’s Inquirer. I didn’t, because I have a rule that if the third paragraph of a newspaper article is something like this –

As I thumb through the dog-eared and underlined pages, I think of a Lawrence Ferlinghetti poem

– I don’t read it. (Sorry, Rachel! Sorry, Lawrence!) I’ve heard the piece painted life as a freelancer as all pajamas and money and high-speed car chases and excitement. Which is silly. That’s the life of a professional blogger. Well, that and crying yourself to sleep.

I learned this from Philadelphia Will Do Freelance Correspondent Mike Benner’s retelling of the essay to me. And then he offered to write something for me. You can tell he’s a good freelancer because he knew how to get me to publish — “publish” — something.

• Puppy reference in second sentence
• Use of the phrase “Are you fucking kidding me?”
• Mentioned “slinging crack”, a popular activity near my apartment
• One space after a period
• Made fun of a poem
• Offered to write something so I don’t have to

Okay, I’m apparently pretty easy to please.

After the jump, Mike’s essay. Any mistakes in the essay were probably put in by me.

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Reason #48 To Love Philadelphia: Our Commitment To Journalistic Standards

You may remember the uproar a few years ago over a Mitch Albom column allegedly written from the Final Four. His column described two ex-Michigan State players courtside cheering on their alma mater at the Final Four. Of course, they were never there.

Albom based the column on what they said they were going to do; he had to turn in his column for the Sunday paper before the game was played. And when they didn’t attend the game, he looked foolish, etc., etc.

One could imagine our own local scribe, Dan Gross, feeling the same temptation in this article about Wing Bowl winner Joey Chestnut in today’s paper. He most likely interviewed Chestnut after the Wing Bowl Friday morning, and got some information on what Chestnut was going to do over the weekend.

But instead of pulling an Albom, our boy Dan Gross used this instead:

While in town over the weekend, Chestnut, of San Jose, Calif., was hoping to catch the Franklin Institute’s King Tut exhibit - and to get his first glimpse of snow.

Excellent! Strong journalistic standards, especially in stories relating to something as important as chicken wings.

As to why the citizens of Philadelphia would be interested in what the Wing Bowl champion would be doing in town over the weekend, well, that’s a question to be left to the philosophers.

Dan Gross | Wing King talking trash [Daily News]
Mitch Albom - Controversy [Wikipedia]

Go Ask Suzy, Jane, Mary And Alice

The above photo is from the Binghamton University Pipe Dream — which pretty much has a giant bong as a logo — accompanying a story about “menacing” phone calls on campus.

It just goes to show that, well, when there’s not a photo opportunity for a story, you just need to use your imagination. It helps if Commissioner Gordon is on staff, too.

Students receive menacing calls [Pipe Dream]

Even Recently Freed Journalists Have Only One Thing On The Mind

Over the weekend, journalist Paul Salopek was freed from jail in Sudan — where he was arrested for writing “false news” and other offenses — and returned to the United States.

Hooray! Paul, what are you going to do next:

Salopek said that after he visits Columbus, he plans to “make rounds in Chicago and Washington to rack up an enormous beer tab.”

Is it any surprise this man’s a two-time Pulitzer winner?

Jailed reporter passed time with chess, goat porridge [AP/CNN.com]

Leftovers: Half A Billion Dollars For This Crap

• WIP reports that Comcast’s asking price for the 76ers is $500 mil, Comcast Spectacor prez says, “Uh, no.” Is Comcast lying? Or is WIP? We think that, somehow, both are. [Daily News]

• Have a dog? Well, there are some places where dogs can play! Aww. [Inquirer]

• You might think a story about where dogs can romp and play would not attract negative feedback. You might be an idiot. Comment on Philly.com: “RE: Haverford Colleges- What your article NEGLECTS to mention is that YES pets are welcome at Haverford College, BUT ONLY IF YOUR DOG IS LEASHED. Ditto for Valley Forge Park WHAT IS WITH THE POOR RESEARCH? ¶ See, that is what your article NEGLECTS to mention, and that is why even if you want to take your pooch to the park, that each place has specific RULES. Haverford College is a private instituion where access is a PRIVILEGE NOT A RIGHT.” But of course. [Philly.com Comments]

• A bus driver from Bucks County has won his fifth international bus driving title. “The pressure is on all the time. I never take it for granted, because I know that it’s just as tough next time,” said the victorious Larry Hannon, a legend in bus safety. Next, he’s going to take it one game at a time and give it 110 percent. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• Teenager steals necklace; teenager gets run over, shot and killed by senior citizen who wanted his necklace back in Khan Park. [6 ABC]

• Whoa, wait. The culture war isn’t an actual war? TMYK. [Reuters/Yahoo!]