Jason-Like, Bonnie & Clyde Are Back

Hey, remember Jocelyn Kirsch? Yes, of course you do. You probably don’t remember Edward Anderton, the other dude in the Bonnie and Clyde of Identity Fraud case from last year.

One might think things are a little quiet on the Kirsch and Anderton front nowadays, but that didn’t stop British paper The Observer from doing a giant piece on ol’ B&C. By giant, I mean 4100 words! On Bonnie & Clyde!

Steeped in narcissism and privilege, fuelled by entitlement, theirs is truly an outlaw romance for the 21st century. The Philadelphia Daily News immediately dubbed the photogenic couple ‘Bonnie and Clyde’. It’s a name some people take exception to. ‘Bonnie and Clyde, that’s only because they’re young and good-looking,’ scoffs Detective Terry Sweeney of the Philadelphia police. ‘These two were complete idiots. If this was two fat fucks from South Philly, it would have been Turner and Hooch.’

Yeah, too bad the phrase was originally coined by a police source. Wah-wah!

The article is full of unintentionally hilarious sentences. The first one here is the best:

• 22-year-old Jocelyn was a final-year student at nearby Drexel University, a big step down from Penn.
• Each year, Jocelyn also reinvented herself, swapping old friends for new ones, transforming from goth girl to Abercrombie prep to frisky cheerleader wannabe.
• While Jocelyn was fast becoming Drexel’s answer to Paris Hilton, a few blocks away at the University of Pennsylvania, Edward Kyle Anderton was winding down his college career in obscurity.

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Pre-Bonnie Bonnie Still Pretty Hilarious

It was everything I hoped for and more. You couldn’t come up with a better stereotype for a “high school friend.” And, oh my God, the flying money. I feel like the voice-over should be saying, “Sell or rent your timeshare for cash!”

Here’s CBS 3’s full report; I’d recommend watching the video, as it is fantastic.

CBS 3 Making Bonnie Promo More Dramatic

I didn’t know if this afternoon’s promo for CBS 3’s exclusive report on Jocelyn Kirsch could get any better, but later today the station released a longer, more dramatic one. OMG I can’t wait!

CBS 3 Goes To Jocelyn Kirsch’s Hometown!

Just when you thought the coverage of Jocelyn Kirsch couldn’t get any better, CBS 3 sends a reporter to the hometown of one half of Philadelphia’s Bonnie & Clyde. (She’s also the only half anyone cares about.)

Hey, Bonnie’s Back!

Okay, so I should probably write about this. So remember Bonnie & Clyde? No, not the real Bonnie & Clyde, the “Bonnie and Clyde of Identity Fraud,” the duo that captivated the Philadelphia area during the end of last year?

By duo, of course, I mean Jocelyn Kirsch’s breasts, since she was really the only one anybody cared to read about. (The dude’s name was Eddie or something.) Anyway, Jocelyn Kirsch is back in a new Daily News article by apparent Jocelyn Kirsch beat reporter Regina Medina; turns out she had a former boyfriend who thought he loved her, but it turns out she lied to him and treated him poorly. And she cheated on him! Jocelyn Kirsch is now every girl in America. (No offense, fairer sex.) Did she break up with him via email, too?

The ex-boyfriend, Jayson Verdibello, also wrote a pair of songs for her; I was kind of hoping we’d get MP3 files, but instead all we get are lyrics like “I can’t deny the curves of your body/ Or all the words you leave inside my lips/ How can I say all the words I want to/ When you paint the world in different hues of you?”

But back to the story, where hilarity abounds.

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Ohio’s Bonnie & Clyde: Bank Robbers, Witches

In the great time B.A.C.A.C.A.F.D. (Before Alycia Called A Cop A ‘Fucking Dyke’), this is what I was going to post first thing Monday morning. Over the weekend, CNN’s front page included this write-up of a real ‘07 Bonnie and Clyde, a trio (Nicole Boyd, Roger Lee Dillon and his mom, Sharon Lee Gregory) alleged to have stolen $7.4 million from an armored car company Roger Lee worked for.

Only, this Bonnie & Clyde are, literally, the hillbilly version of Jocelyn Kirsch and Edward Anderton. The three were picked up after allegedly taking the millions after Black Friday. They’re the talk of Hickville (see), everyone’s making fun of them for leaving behind hilarious clues (see) and a hot girl who could have been a model (see).

Only, since it’s not Philadelphia and is instead Youngstown, Ohio — two hours away from Oberlin! — she was actually $290 in debt to one of those mall modeling companies — the $290 was for the first year of a three year modeling contract — that makes you pay money first. Oh, but she wasn’t charged! “She was like an All-American girl. She was beautiful,” the president tells the AP.

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Drexel Staff Baffled By Obvious Jocelyn Kirsch Lie

Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about our girl Jocelyn Kirsch, the female half of the Bonnie & Clyde of Identity Fraud. Today’s Daily News points to a story from a recent Drexel Triangle article with this fun tale: Jocelyn Kirsch allegedly claimed to be an adjunct professor at Drexel.

The Drexel paper says Kirsch pretended to be an adjunct in order to get a free parking pass and use University computers at Drexel’s Language and Communication Center.

Kirsch, known around the language office for her revealing clothes and long dark hair walked to the front desk and asked for a pass last year while taking a placement test. When asked if she was a professor she claimed to be an adjunct and was granted the pass. “I was very convinced,” said one staff member who wished to remain anonymous.

Kirsch used the pass for two weeks, the paper says, but doesn’t say why she stopped. Now they apparently “grill” people asking for passes. Actually, here Kirsch just sounds kinda awesome. Compared to Alycia Lane, I think she’s Katherine Drexel.

Criminals Cheated On Test

Sorry, I’m like a day or so behind on the whole Bonnie & Clyde of Identity Fraud thing. I needed to stop writing about it to feel cleaner about myself. Also, I’ve been studying more Kirsch photos, including the Is She Still Hot? one at right.

The big story yesterday in the Daily News was that Clyde may have taken a test for Bonnie. Oh, no, the identity thieves cheated on a test together!

Before the start of every class this fall - held Tuesdays and Thursdays from 12 to 1:50 p.m. - Edward K. Anderton brought lunch to his honey, Jocelyn S. Kirsch, usually a fruit-and-cheese selection from Starbucks, one student who saw the couple told the Daily News.

The story finally fell off the front page of Philly.com today, but there’s still a link to this tale of Drexel warning students about identity theft.

This Is Only The Beginning For Bonnie & Clyde

Let us begin this week as it began, by pontificating on the fate of one Jocelyn Kirsch (and Edward Anderton). Now that the pair could face federal identity fraud charges, it’s time to look at the actual moral implications of delighting in a person’s trip to jail.

“The part of me that was friends with her knows she’s sad and that’s why she does the things that she does,” [a friend from high school] said. “The part of me that’s a little bit vindictive is not sad to see her getting hers, but hopefully some good will come of it and she’ll straighten herself out.”

Ha ha, just kidding, this is the Internet, what are morals, etc., etc. I do like that quote, though, because it totally helps prove my point that Drexel girls are just so ridiculously mean. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Anyway, that comes from today’s Daily News article, which talks about how Kirsch pretended to be an Olympic pole vaulter, which is pretty much the greatest thing ever.

Another classmate said Kirsch posted a photo of herself on her Facebook page - don’t bother looking for it, she took down the page over the weekend - pole vaulting “some ridiculous height that only an Olympian could do,” said the former bud, who spoke on condition of anonymity. The face in the photo was too dark to discern, the classmate said, adding that “it was clearly taken from another site.”

Some of Kirsch’s Drexel classmates never really bought the notion, including one Facebook user who posted a photo on one of two Facebook pages dedicated to Kirsch, titled “SHE GOIN’ TO JAAAAAAAAIL!!!! (and THAT’S hilarious).” The image features a pole vaulter with Kirsch’s police mug shot as the head and two cops behind her on Segways. The caption reads, “Can’t catch me, I’m a gold medalist!!!”

Photo after the jump

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Blue-Collar Dads In Blue-Collar Caps

Hmm, where were we? Oh, right: The Bonnie & Clyde of Identity Fraud. Anyway, yesterday the parents showed up to take Jocelyn Kirsch (22, w/ tits) and Edward Anderton (25, w/o) home to get away from Lu Ann Cahn standing out front of their condo.

Anyway, the lawyerly damage control has already begun. Anderton’s family, it turns out, can only afford baseball caps.

“To his parents, this is a lot of money,” Anderton’s attorney, Larry Krasner, told Municipal Court Judge Thomas Gehret yesterday. Krasner, who had few words for reporters, griped to Gehret that their reports had made it look like Anderton “is somehow privileged and he is wealthy.”

Facing Bail Commissioner Dwain Hill at a later hearing, Krasner said: “His father works for a newspaper, and he goes to work in a baseball cap and blue jeans.”

Meanwhile, radio DJ Kidd Chris has offered $2,000 for an interview with Kirsch. Two thousand? Please. Girl’s probably just spent that much on Chris’ credit card just this morning.