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New Reason To Hate Jimmy Fallon

In news from the The World Is One Giant Joke department, The Roots will be retiring from touring to be Jimmy Fallon’s late night talk show’s house band in March.

Seriously. Like, oh yes, of course The Roots are going to be Jimmy Fallon’s house band when he replaces Conan O’Brien in March, because that is a completely ridiculous idea and it seems like only completely ridiculous ideas happen nowadays.

Other News Concerning The Roots [Make Major Moves]

Ex-Philly Cop Somehow Manages To Disgrace The Words ‘Jimmy Fallon’ Even More

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Yesterday, the Sunday Inquirer’s cover package was about police officers on the other side of the law — specifically, police officers who get away with sexual assault.

Hot dog! Is there anything you want to read about more with your Sunday morning coffee? Specifically, is there a better Sunday morning coffee complement than James Fallon Jr. (pictured), convicted and sentenced to probation for indecent assault? Hold on, you may want to read his quotes first:

“Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t an angel,” Fallon said, adding that he is now faithful to his wife. “You’ve seen the pictures of me… . I’m built. I work out five days a week. I was a Marine. I’m the pretty boy. I have the image.”

Fallon now claims that the dancer voluntarily had sex with him and [fellow officer Timothy] Carre and that he pleaded guilty to assault only to avoid a trial.

“Why would I have to threaten anybody? I have the looks. I always did. I don’t need to force myself on anybody for anything.”

Fallon had his rape charges dropped when he pled guilty to indecent assault and got off with probation. If there truly was karma in this world, Fallon’s punishment would have been something a little more aggravating than being on probation.

Something like spending eternity watching Fever Pitch and Taxi.

Extorting sex with a badge [Inquirer]