Jim Kenney To Philly: I’m Bob Brady’s Lackey (Or: I Hate Tom Knox)

City Councilman Jim Kenney revealed yesterday that he is Bob Brady’s bestest friend in the whole wide world! He did this by proposing a bill making it more likely for his friend and ally, Bob Brady, to win the mayor’s race. Afterward, he went online to YoungPhillyPoltics and acted indignant and bashed Tom Knox in every comment.

Here are the other jokes I was thinking of using.

• Jim Kenney, buoyed by support from CBS 3, 6 ABC, NBC 10 and Fox 29, decided to propose a bill ending the campaign contribution limits so that these four television stations could get more money from local ad campaigns. The four stations got Kenney to propose the bill by offering the following items: A weekly TV show Bob Brady and Jim Kenney’s Playhouse (CBS 3); a copy of The Complete Larry Ferrari on DVD, a 16-disc set valued at $249.99 (6 ABC); a bow tie (NBC 10); a date with Kerri-Lee Halkett (Fox 29).
• Jim Kenney really, really hates Tom Knox. (This part is true.) And he really hates his campaign ads. So he decided to propose a bill ending campaign contribution limits so he could get more ads on television, thereby allowing candidates to put more ads on TV and reducing the Depressing Tom Knox ads per capita (DTKAPC).
• Jim Kenney went to the zoo and met a magic gorilla. The magic gorilla told him that if the campaign spending limits were not repealed, the city would fall into enternal darkness. He then proposed a bill ending campaign contribution limits so the city would not fall into eternal darkness.
• Jim Kenney went to the zoo and met a magic gorilla. The magic gorilla told him that if the campaign spending limits were repealed, Bob Brady would have a much better shot at winning. Then Bob Brady got out of his magic gorilla suit. Jim Kenney then proposed a bill ending campaign contribution limits so Bob Brady could have a better shot at winning.

I decided to lead with the one I did because it’s the funniest. And it’s true.

Then again, the truth is usually the best. You know you can’t get that kind of humor from the private sector. Or this kind, either:

“This is anti-democratic and it deprives the people without big pockets, the very people we all represent, from participating,” Councilwoman Carol Campbell said of the existing law. Campbell, a longtime Brady ally, took office last year after being nominated in a closed-door meeting convened by Brady, who is city Democratic chairman.

“It makes the process unleveled and undemocratic,” Councilman Daniel Savage, another cosponsor, said of the current limits. Savage’s nomination, too, had Brady’s backing.

The next few months are going to be great. Not only are these people writing new laws to make it easier for Bob Brady to win, but they’re getting angry when someone calls them on it. Whatevs, it’s politics, that’s how it works. Just don’t act all annoyed when people call you on it.

I can’t wait for the “Only People Named Bob Brady Can Run For Mayor” bill. (Or its cousin: “No One Named Tom Knox Can Run For Mayor.”)

Campaign fund caps may fall [Inquirer]
Yesterday: Democratic Machine Sees Popular Outsider, Changes Rules To Make It Harder For Outsider To Win

Democratic Machine Sees Popular Outsider, Changes Rules To Make It Harder For Outsider To Win

A poll yesterday showing Tom Knox doing well in the mayor’s race got City Council’s panties all in a bunch.

“Oh no,” they must have thought. “What do we do if this new guy wins! We might actually have to help our constituents, do actual work and not just sit around and opine about how great we are all day. Fuck! How can we fix it so Bob Brady can win and the city can keep napping toward greatness?!”

And Jim Kenney came up with a plan. He’s going to change the campaign-finance rules to make it easier for Bob Brady to win. Yes, that’s right, folks. City Council wants Brady to win, and if they want Brady to win, they’re going to get Bob Brady in office, whether you peons like it or not!

Kenney’s measure changes the campaign finance reform laws so if a candidate donates $2 million to his own campaign, all the rules are gone. City Councilwoman Carol Campbell also spoke in favor of the bill in hopes it would make the election fair. Campbell supports fair elections so much she was pretty much appointed to her City Council seat.

“The campaign finance limits have opened the door to a candidate who buys City Hall,” Kenney said. “We have unintentionally created an opportunity for an unlevel playing field.”

Yep. As opposed to, y’know, campaign contributors buying City Hall.

Raise your hand if you’re surprised. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Stunned by Knox poll, council ready to rewrite reforms [Inquirer]
Yesterday: Tom Knox To Depress His Way To Mayordom?

DiCicco, Kenney Aim For Crucial Swing Vote

Over at Amen, Wook — This is why I love blogging. “Wook” on first reference. — noticed a few campaign signs for Jim Kenney and Frank DiCicco at a formerly-empty building at 714 South Street.

Yes. 714 South Street. Former Home of Club Kama Sutra.

This city is a wonderful place sometimes.

BREAKING NEWS! SHOCKING REVELATION! WHAT GENER WAS TALKING ABOUT FINALLY REVEALED! [AMEN]
Archives: Club Kama Sutra

Leftovers: Frank Stallone To Make Appearance For Adoring Fans

• Sylvester Stallone has the power to overrule art lovers, defeat evil communists and, indeed, altering traffic patterns and PennDot work schedules for the dedication. And he was able to convince his brother Frank to put aside the other events in his busy schedule and come to the statue dedication! [Inky]

• Headline in the Courier-Post: “Racial slur reflects problem of bigotry.” Oh, really? [Courier-Post]

• Frank DiCiccio and Jim Kenney have set up a website to protest the city not being able to have any say in the zoning of slots parlors. Of course, you can’t edit the letter that they want you to send, because, you see, this is about Frank DiCiccio and Jim Kenney, not you worthless serfs. [KYW 1060]