Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: I went through and counted the one-sentence paragraphs in this column. Well, no, I didn’t, but there are a lot.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Hey, a Rick Santorum sighting! Remember him? No, me neither.

Jill Porter: Hey, this is kind of the same thing Ronnie Polaneczky wrote yesterday, although this one is like five times funnier because it says Sarah Palin is “pro-slavery.”

Michael Smerconish: I really don’t get what the point of Smerconish’s column is sometimes; every once in a while he has a piece like today that’s just basically, “How will the Republicans get what I want?” Then he cheers ‘em on. Who really wants to read that?

Still, it kind of makes it all worth it when it leads to columns that contain things like this:

Is she more knowledgeable than Mitt Romney on the economy? No way.

Stronger on terror than Tom Ridge? Impossible.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Christine Flowers’ abortion columns are just as annoying as her other ones. Shocking, I know.

Elmer Smith: Boy, reforming DHS would be a good idea.

Jill Porter: Yes, Jill Porter is very angry Larry Mendte won’t be going to jail. Hence the problem with any sort of prison reform in this country, since we just love locking up people.

This column also includes seven rhetorical questions in eight sentences at one point. This is kind of a feel-good column, though, because it reminds me I’m not the kind of person who would feel better if a TV anchor who spied on his coworker’s email went to prison for several months.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Jill Porter’s mom moved into a retirement home and now she plays Sudoku with Will Shortz.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Get this: Some outrages in other countries receive more attention than others! Also, apparently wanting to end the Cuban embargo is the equivalent of burning down the White House.

Jill Porter: Porter found something hilarious on the city’s website! Apparently, when deputy L&I commissioner Eileen Evans isn’t sending L&I officials to bust hippies, “She is a firmly committed Christian and seeks to have biblical principles govern her life-style and her decisions.” At least that’s what it said on phila.gov.

Porter was offended, naturally, and took it to the ACLU to have them get offended, too. But, whoops! The ACLU didn’t care. Fortunately, the Anti-Defemation League was there to pick up the ball and run with it.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, this column begins wondering if Larry Mendte is “just plain evil.” (I love the moral calculus of the Daily News.)

The U.S. attorney charged him Monday with secretly accessing Lane’s e-mails 537 times over five months, logging in again and again, hour after hour, morning and night, over a five-month period.

It’s absolutely chilling.

Uhm, yes, “absolutely chilling.” He was reading her Yahoo! Mail account. It’s not the end of civilization. Then there are seven rhetorical questions in a row, each in its own paragraph!!!

!!!!

Am I missing anything from the inventory of a perfect life?

Is there anyone who wouldn’t settle for what Mendte had? Even a portion of it?

How and why would he jeopardize everything to destroy Lane?

How and why would he humiliate his wife, hurt his family?

What more, as my reader asked, could he want?

To be sole anchor on the news?

For that he sold his soul, committed a crime, lost everything?

Yes, and Jill Porter spent time writing this column while people are starving and the U.S. government tortures people in the name of any one of several wars we’re currently fighting.

John Baer: The Brookings Institute brought a bunch of people with degrees to Washington in order to come up with ideas to fix the Pennsylvania legislature. Two of the ideas are a best legislator award, a big contest to get people interested in politics and a giant robot duck that will destroy the state capital and the entire legislature. Amazingly, only one of those is fake.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Cops chased a puppy for an hour and caught him.

Christine Flowers: I love when Christine Flowers writes about Obama being snobby. (Or, rather, his supporters, but that’s also his fault.) I have to assume it’s some sort of super-meta-ironic irony. Right? Right???

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Damn, if only Milton Street was involved in building that planned skyscraper!

John Baer: Hmm, now that they could get arrested, state legislators want some ethics reform!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Okay, she did a column on diversity that, while simply pointing out the obvious, didn’t include any lies (as far as I can tell) and wasn’t completely bonkers! I think she has, like, two of these in the past few weeks. Baby steps, baby steps.

Jill Porter: Bedbugs! On the parkway! Looks like getting rid of DDT wasn’t the best idea after all. Stupid Jake Roberts.

Elmer Smith: Hey, it’s about Jesse Jackson’s “gaffe” about Barack Obama. If you want me to read this column and summarize it, press 1. If not, press 2. Okay, moving on.

John Baer: Ha ha, the state legislature is corrupt. (NB to Baer: You should just write about how corrupt the legislature is all the time. I feel like those columns are always awesome.)

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Oh, I just saw this at Starbucks: People are running a marathon in memory of Beau, the Starbucks employee killed last month.

John Baer: A column about funny stuff in the state budget. Love it. The best part is how the state legislature still spends $48,000 a year on American flags for constituents. Oh, God help you if you cut the flag-maker earmarks. (They have bumper stickers that say, “I’m a union flag-maker — and I vote!”)