Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: This is a Phillies celebratory column probably written before the game was played. Whatever, that’s fine. Let me just quote a little bit of it.

Dingy? Crumbling? In ruin?

This, the next great city in America, glimmering with new skyscrapers?

This, the so-called 6th borough of New York because of the folks who relocate and commute there?

This, a town internationally renowned for its history, its restaurants, its hospitals and universities?

This, one of the few American cities with a thriving, growing Center City?

Ha, ha, all it took was three years for “sixth borough” to be viewed as a compliment.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Convicted felons can vote in Pennsylvania, who knew?

John Baer: Oh, yeah, Obama was on the teevee last night, too. Oh no buying up all the TV ad time for a giant infomercial is apparently Big Brother-ish!

Michael Smerconish: This is the first paragraph of Smerconish’s column:

IT TOOK me only a few seconds of my hairy-eyeball test to conclude that McCain-Palin volunteer Ashley Todd, who said she had been assaulted and branded with a politically tinged scarlet letter, was full of it. It was the same internal alarm that sounded when I first heard of the alleged Duke-lacrosse rape. No way, I thought.

Man, why do we even have courts when we can just get Michael Smerconish to use his “hairy-eyeball test” to decide everything! Also, um, it’s Christine Flowers who needlessly mentions the Duke rape case, Michael, don’t steal her shtick.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: I just woke up. (Whoops!) I read this column three times and my eyes glazed over. You’re going to have to do this one yourself if you’re interested, especially since I still have Jill Porter and Christine Flowers to get to.

Jill Porter: Jill Porter’s doggy is sick. Sad! One can only hope the writing about her dog is not so popular that her columns turn into the next Marley & Me.

Christine Flowers: Oh, no, it’s a Christine Flowers column headlined, “One tiny vote for John McCain.” It’s going to be about abortion! I bet people who murder abortion doctors will even find it annoying. Hold on I gotta read it.

Eh, it was more pointless than boring, and Flowers wrote lies as usual — she might as well have just written that Obama was going to force abortions on every woman, that would have at least been entertaining — but it’s not like the Daily News cares about printing the truth or anything. Yawn.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: There’s really nothing I can do to even try to sum up this, but I will point out that it’s not “Citizen’s Bank.” Come on, people. No apostrophe, just like Veterans Stadium.

Jill Porter: We’re obsessed with race. How does Porter prove it? Not one, but two interracial weddings were among the top-viewed stories on Philly.com. “I’ve never seen a same-race wedding attract that kind of attention.” Di and Charles? Kerri-Lee and Whatshisname? Surely they got some attention, even if they didn’t make it into the coveted most-viewed list on Philly.com.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, it’s a heartwarming story about a woman who overcame an abusive husband to become a state senator.

Elmer Smith: This Elmer Smith column totally begins with four paragraphs explaining why he doesn’t know anything about any subject.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Know how I avoid stress? Not reading the Daily News columnists.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: I have no idea why the parole board is shrouded in secrecy, though I also have no idea why it matters, why Jill Porter wrote a column about it and why I’m even writing this now. Let’s just move on.

Elmer Smith: Yes, rich people still get everything they want in America.

Christine Flowers: Wow, there’s even more strawmen in this column than usual. I counted six or seven.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Last night’s debate was “mild.” I believe that means it was “more boring than toast.”

Jill Porter: Let’s just blockquote out the thesis, if you will:

Dieter blames the availability of guns for what happened to him. But he doesn’t necessarily believe that anything is going to change.

“I’m not sure there’s a solution,” he said, because people in rural areas don’t appreciate the havoc that gun violence wreaks in cities.

Enjoy simple solutions to gun violence? Congratulations, you’re now qualified for Philadelphia media and/or government.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Oh, see, Stu doesn’t want Latrice Bryant to go to jail for anything she wrote; he just wants her to get an official reprimand from the Human Rights Commission. And he’s filed a complaint to make it happen! “My case might be the first one heard under the new ethnic-intimidation law.” It’s nice to see our friends at the Daily News are such staunch defenders of free speech.

Jill Porter: Oh, it’s a humor column about Sarah Palin’s moose-dressing skills.

Michael Smerconish: Recidivist thugs!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Oh, man, today is going to be a good day, too, I can just feel it. I know it won’t reach yesterday’s level, but if it’s half that I’ll be okay.

Elmer Smith: Ever hear of that dude George Bush? Apparently, he hasn’t done too well as president.

Jill Porter: Jill Porter wants you to tie a blue ribbon around your tree so you, too, can show how much you love the police. But it’s ok if you don’t have a tree! “Not to worry if you don’t have a tree,” she writes. I see.

Christine Flowers: Meh. It’s pretty boring, even for Christine Flowers. She’s written this column — liberals are bad, cops are saints, there are no “root causes” for anything anyone ever does ever — 15 times already. Eh, what a disappointing day altogether.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, being poor sucks! (Also: 50 grand a year is working poor now?) This is my favorite sentence: “One night, he came home in tears after peer pressure got him into a situation he couldn’t handle.” Clearly, his peers were pressuring him to perform heart surgery or something.