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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Do people think that Rod Blagojevich is all that rare of a scandal? (Other than that he was super obvious — and not even that, really, and he got caught?) Yes? Well, okay then.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: We spend nearly 100 grand a day for police overtime. What, a crackdown on crime and a stop-and-frisk policy in black neighborhoods costs money?! Who knew? But at least there’s a tremendous upside, as we do have a drug-free city.

Stu Bykofsky: In today’s third and final rah rah Israel piece, Stu predicts the forthcoming destruction of Israel. No, really.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, it’s a pro-Alycia Lane column. About time, local media! We all know Larry Mendte’s friendly, but you don’t really have to needlessly bash Alycia Lane when it’s ol’ Lar’s sentencing day.

Lots of Larry Mendte coverage this week. It’s like the media re-discovered how hilariously ridiculous this whole story is. (Myself included.) Ha ha, spying on your co-worker and then being sloppy enough to get caught!

Porter’s column is a standard over-the-top Daily News special but any column that stops commenter racism is totally worthy of praise. Even if it just turns the commenters to sexism. Hey, at least it’s different!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: “The meticulous streets were awash in yellow ribbons during Desert Storm. It’s a matter of pride.” WHOOOO EARLY 90s! Unfortunately, the column does not mention Zubaz or Starter jackets, but I can only assume they’re all part of this, too.

Dave Davies: Was the economy really going well until very recently? Was the current recession really that surprising? Rhetorical questions for another time. More importantly, here’s what people are mad at Michael Nutter about:

He doesn’t listen to people.

He tries to be everything to everybody, and hasn’t identified clear priorities.

He’s failed to make tough decisions, like taking on the unions and getting employee-benefit costs under control.

His abandonment of tax cuts is a shortsighted, job-killing strategy that encourages the middle class to abandon the city.

Number one is probably a good thing, depending on who he’s ignoring. And how the hell is he going to take on the unions in Philadelphia? Eh, whatever, the more people who hate politicians the better.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: It’s sad, enough police officers have died recently that we know exactly what the local media is going to write every single time and we don’t have to read it. So this is one of those things.

Elmer Smith: Hey, more fun time news! Carol Campbell died yesterday. Geeze, columnists, can’t you write about something that’s not a total bummer so I have something to mock here? Man, think about me sometimes.

John Baer: Oh, goodie, noted drug warrior Tom Corbett could be governor in 2010.

Michael Smerconish: And, naturally, here’s Michael Smerconish writing about the Flyers, and playing hockey growing up and hour a thousand people paid a couple bucks to see the Stanley Cup. Right.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Nobody’s attending the Vince Fumo trial, and nobody really cares. So let’s write a column!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: “LOOK! Men in high heels! I assume I’ve got your attention, because what could be more curious than guys with hairy legs and heavy socks in four-inch patent-leather pumps?” Umm, off the top of my head:

  • LOOK! Women in high heels!
  • LOOK! Women in [anything besides a burka].
  • LOOK! Free heroin!
  • LOOK! Free Hershey’s IceBreaker Pacs!
  • LOOK! Busta Rhymes!
  • LOOK!

Elmer Smith: Fourth graf: “I was colored when I left home for Fort Jackson, S.C., in 1965. I had become a black man by 1968.” Oh, that’s a great line. I’m going to stop there because I don’t think it can get better than that.

Stu Bykofsky: Barack Obama better not get too close to “far left” bloggers — whatever that means — or he’ll be recalled or impeached or something!

Christine Flowers: I actually need to email Christine Flowers to ask her a question before I recap this column. Update to come.

Update: I actually emailed her, concerning her column today. Then I realized I didn’t care so I had any reply automatically sent to the trash! (Not really, I’m far too lazy to do that.) Consider this your Christine Flowers abridgment for today.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Today’s column includes the sentence, “Gillen said it’s unclear why [Mayor] Street ‘instructed the RDA to give them a house.’” Oh, really?

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: So, ah, black people are excited for the first black president.

Elmer Smith: Man, black people who have died sure would have been excited for the first black president.

John Baer: That election sure was historic. And not “historic” in the sense of “stupid,” like in Florida eight years ago. (Joke probably copyright Dave Barry, 2000.)

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Dave Davies: This column has been written to correct all the misinformation on conservative blogs about a previous Davies column about street money. Wait, what?

Elmer Smith: Hey, people want to open a charter school just for foster kids!

Jill Porter: Every time Vince Fumo is indicted, the Phillies win a title! Oh, I just knew Vince had done this all for us.

Christine Flowers: “Tampa Bay is a young team, a good team, an honorable team.” Ha, ha, Christine Flowers sports columns are awesome.