Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: It’s sad, enough police officers have died recently that we know exactly what the local media is going to write every single time and we don’t have to read it. So this is one of those things.

Elmer Smith: Hey, more fun time news! Carol Campbell died yesterday. Geeze, columnists, can’t you write about something that’s not a total bummer so I have something to mock here? Man, think about me sometimes.

John Baer: Oh, goodie, noted drug warrior Tom Corbett could be governor in 2010.

Michael Smerconish: And, naturally, here’s Michael Smerconish writing about the Flyers, and playing hockey growing up and hour a thousand people paid a couple bucks to see the Stanley Cup. Right.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Nobody’s attending the Vince Fumo trial, and nobody really cares. So let’s write a column!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: “LOOK! Men in high heels! I assume I’ve got your attention, because what could be more curious than guys with hairy legs and heavy socks in four-inch patent-leather pumps?” Umm, off the top of my head:

• LOOK! Women in high heels!
• LOOK! Women in [anything besides a burka].
• LOOK! Free heroin!
• LOOK! Free Hershey’s IceBreaker Pacs!
• LOOK! Busta Rhymes!
• LOOK!

Elmer Smith: Fourth graf: “I was colored when I left home for Fort Jackson, S.C., in 1965. I had become a black man by 1968.” Oh, that’s a great line. I’m going to stop there because I don’t think it can get better than that.

Stu Bykofsky: Barack Obama better not get too close to “far left” bloggers — whatever that means — or he’ll be recalled or impeached or something!

Christine Flowers: I actually need to email Christine Flowers to ask her a question before I recap this column. Update to come.

Update: I actually emailed her, concerning her column today. Then I realized I didn’t care so I had any reply automatically sent to the trash! (Not really, I’m far too lazy to do that.) Consider this your Christine Flowers abridgment for today.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Today’s column includes the sentence, “Gillen said it’s unclear why [Mayor] Street ‘instructed the RDA to give them a house.’” Oh, really?

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: So, ah, black people are excited for the first black president.

Elmer Smith: Man, black people who have died sure would have been excited for the first black president.

John Baer: That election sure was historic. And not “historic” in the sense of “stupid,” like in Florida eight years ago. (Joke probably copyright Dave Barry, 2000.)

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Dave Davies: This column has been written to correct all the misinformation on conservative blogs about a previous Davies column about street money. Wait, what?

Elmer Smith: Hey, people want to open a charter school just for foster kids!

Jill Porter: Every time Vince Fumo is indicted, the Phillies win a title! Oh, I just knew Vince had done this all for us.

Christine Flowers: “Tampa Bay is a young team, a good team, an honorable team.” Ha, ha, Christine Flowers sports columns are awesome.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: This is a Phillies celebratory column probably written before the game was played. Whatever, that’s fine. Let me just quote a little bit of it.

Dingy? Crumbling? In ruin?

This, the next great city in America, glimmering with new skyscrapers?

This, the so-called 6th borough of New York because of the folks who relocate and commute there?

This, a town internationally renowned for its history, its restaurants, its hospitals and universities?

This, one of the few American cities with a thriving, growing Center City?

Ha, ha, all it took was three years for “sixth borough” to be viewed as a compliment.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Convicted felons can vote in Pennsylvania, who knew?

John Baer: Oh, yeah, Obama was on the teevee last night, too. Oh no buying up all the TV ad time for a giant infomercial is apparently Big Brother-ish!

Michael Smerconish: This is the first paragraph of Smerconish’s column:

IT TOOK me only a few seconds of my hairy-eyeball test to conclude that McCain-Palin volunteer Ashley Todd, who said she had been assaulted and branded with a politically tinged scarlet letter, was full of it. It was the same internal alarm that sounded when I first heard of the alleged Duke-lacrosse rape. No way, I thought.

Man, why do we even have courts when we can just get Michael Smerconish to use his “hairy-eyeball test” to decide everything! Also, um, it’s Christine Flowers who needlessly mentions the Duke rape case, Michael, don’t steal her shtick.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: I just woke up. (Whoops!) I read this column three times and my eyes glazed over. You’re going to have to do this one yourself if you’re interested, especially since I still have Jill Porter and Christine Flowers to get to.

Jill Porter: Jill Porter’s doggy is sick. Sad! One can only hope the writing about her dog is not so popular that her columns turn into the next Marley & Me.

Christine Flowers: Oh, no, it’s a Christine Flowers column headlined, “One tiny vote for John McCain.” It’s going to be about abortion! I bet people who murder abortion doctors will even find it annoying. Hold on I gotta read it.

Eh, it was more pointless than boring, and Flowers wrote lies as usual — she might as well have just written that Obama was going to force abortions on every woman, that would have at least been entertaining — but it’s not like the Daily News cares about printing the truth or anything. Yawn.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: There’s really nothing I can do to even try to sum up this, but I will point out that it’s not “Citizen’s Bank.” Come on, people. No apostrophe, just like Veterans Stadium.

Jill Porter: We’re obsessed with race. How does Porter prove it? Not one, but two interracial weddings were among the top-viewed stories on Philly.com. “I’ve never seen a same-race wedding attract that kind of attention.” Di and Charles? Kerri-Lee and Whatshisname? Surely they got some attention, even if they didn’t make it into the coveted most-viewed list on Philly.com.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, it’s a heartwarming story about a woman who overcame an abusive husband to become a state senator.

Elmer Smith: This Elmer Smith column totally begins with four paragraphs explaining why he doesn’t know anything about any subject.