Get Rich Quick Via Jesus Scheme Fails

Sometimes when sophomoric news/media sites like mine get bored, I’ll do a post that’s essentially “this thing looks like this thing.” Ha ha, funny. But when certain types of people who are big into Jesus get bored sometimes, they play a game that’s called “this thing looks like Jesus.”

In Bensalem, a furniture maker found an image of Jesus in a fig tree (at right). It also looks like a ghoul, a character in a Tim Burton animated film and, most definitely, that one prisoner at Abu Ghraib.

Oh, it actually looks a lot like that! Maybe Robert Gates ordered some soldiers to go back in time and mess with Jesus. That seems kind of unlikely, though. Maybe God is letting us know that torture is bad? That seems unlikely, too; this is America, after all. This is the country Jesus founded himself!

Craig O’Connor says it definitely looks like Jesus, claiming “an adrenaline rush” when he saw it. But since he forgot to go to the media before trying to sell his Jesus wood on eBay, it only got a top bid of $500. The Virgin Mary in the grilled cheese sandwich got a lot more moolah. Oh, I see: Jesus appears in things so we can get rich! I believe Jesus was big into getting rich, like that time when he said to throw away all your possessions.

Man finds image of biblical proportions [Bucks County Courier Times]

Million March 4 God Continuing Impressive Rhetoric

It appears the Million March 4 God plans are going as swimmingly as usual:

Let’s make a point. If I am wearing a cross, does that make you want to change your religion? A sane person will say no, of course not. An insane person may claim to hear voices. We do not accord insane people the same liberties as the sane. [...] Liberalism folks. It’s a mental disorder. Again, we do not accord the same liberties of the insane as that of the sane.

So today we are coining yet another new phrase for you to fight with,”We do not accord the same liberties to insane people as we do the sane”, turn around from them and walk away. Use this every time you hear one of these nut jobs speak. If they write, send them a nice little letter with that phrase. It’s powerful.

Be sure to check out the blog’s other post, titled “Crushing the unbelievers has never been so much fun“, which I can only assume from the title is about Jesus’ message of forgiveness, tolerance and acceptance. Who would Jesus crush?

Winning back the battle [MM4G Blog]

Ha Ha John Street Got An Angry Jesus Fax

The Inquirer’s Heard in the Hall reports of an angry fax Mayor Street got from Jesus regarding his decision to officiate a gay marriage this Saturday (the people at right are sadly neither the complainers nor the people getting married):

No, Mayor Street, Same-Sex Marriage is Not Legal In Pennsylvania

(Philadelphia) – Outgoing Mayor John Street’s decision to perform a same-sex commitment ceremony on Saturday at City Hall offers a further explanation in the course Philadelphia has taken in the past several years. Today the American Family Association of Pennsylvania (AFA of PA), a statewide group which supports Pennsylvania’s one man, one woman marriage law and the effort to pass a Marriage Protection Amendment to the PA Constitution, faxed the mayor a letter of concern outlining the wrong messages that will be sent by his involvement in Saturday’s activities.

“Mayor Street has drifted off course during his political career. Once a strong advocate for traditional values, he can no longer be trusted to uphold those values that are supposedly part of his belief system,” said Diane Gramley, President of the AFA of PA.

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He Is Back! (Look Busy!)

Wait, if the death toll is being lowered, then that means… it’s the Second Coming! But, ah, Minnesota? I know I can’t bicker with the Lord and Savior, but… Minnesota? Nothing against it, but, I mean, come on.

Editor’s Note: And things like this are why you should take breaking news alerts with a giant, humongous grain of salt. You know, one of those ones deer get.

Death Toll Dips to 4 in Bridge Collapse [AP/Philly.com

Checking In On The Culture Scene Echo Chamber

The Broad Street Review, the online complaining about the Barnes Foundation journal, recently updated, according to an email I got earlier today. This reminded me about Dan Coren’s review of electronic music, where he attended the Electro-Music Festival in Cheltenham. Or, rather, he was going to, but:

We figured we’d take in the Sunday session. Alas, the Fates had other ideas. While dressing on Saturday morning, I got my foot caught in the leg of my underwear and hopped left when I should have gone right, throwing my back into spasms beyond anything I’d experienced in years. As soon as it happened, I knew I was in for a weekend of three-I’s time— ice packs, Ibuprofen and immobility.

Fortunately, he was able to watch online and write the article anyway. Whoo!

After the jump, comparisons of the Barnes Foundation move to slavery and the death of Jesus. Double whoo!

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Fast Food Joint A Natural Antidepressant

The president of Chick-fil-A recently visited the area, brightening all with his vision of chicken, waffle fries and Jesus. (All Chick-fil-A locations are closed on Sundays to honor Our Lord. Also, the dude who founded the place didn’t like working Sundays. But that probably had something to do with God, too.)

COO and prez Dan Cathy visited the Springfield Park store, paying for his meal. “I want to know what it feels like to pay full price for the food,” Cathy said. He did not say the experience was “exhilarating,” but I think we can assume that’s how it went.

And, just why does Chick-fil-A have such a successful business model? Why, it’s… well, here:

“We just elevate the chicken sandwich by giving it good customer service,” Cathy said, adding that any particular environment has a direct influence on product.

“The term restaurant means a place of refreshment, an oasis from the tough world out there,” he said, adding that customers are invited to visit the Chick-fil-As for a relaxing atmosphere. “It actually affects the taste of food.”

An oasis of fast food among… all the other fast food places in the mall. But, hey, it’s the most relaxing part of the food court.

Chick-fil-A cut above rest with customer service [Delco Times]

Rendell: Without New SEPTA Funding, We Will Have Flooding For 27 Days And 27 Nights

SEPTA met yesterday to pass a budget, and Ed Rendell decided he needed to quote Lord of the Rings to show how serious this is:

“A day may come when the courage of men fails!” Rendell’s Aragorn told a startled-looking SEPTA board of directors. “But it is not this day! This day, we fight!”

Later, Rendell went even further back in written history by quoting the Bible, although he got the number of apostles confused with the number of pieces of silver Judas betrayed Jesus for:

“Don’t let them buy you off for 12 pieces of silver!” Rendell said, abandoning “Lord of the Rings” for his own interpretation of Judas’ betrayal price, which was actually 30 pieces of silver.

“Dig your heels in!” Rendell exclaimed. “Hold your ground!”

I’m a little unclear as to who, exactly, is betraying whom here, but one can only assume this will culminate in the crucifixion of someone or something, most likely SEPTA. Transfers? Who needs transfers?

Guv urges SEPTA board: ‘Don’t settle!’ [Daily News]

Going-Away Party For Eternal Damnation

Colleen Ott was born Catholic, converted to the Baptist denomination — heathen! — at 17 and most recently was a member of the Pennypack Baptist Church in Northeast Philly.

In June, she was even named a deacon, which means she could distribute communion and get superpowers or something. Last month, though, she came out as a lesbian.

Naturally, the church told her she couldn’t be a deacon anymore unless she went to gay therapy and she’s now with a new parish, First Baptist Church of Philadelphia in Center City. As you can tell by the name, this was rated the best Baptist church in Philly by Phillymag. It also has a pastor who said: “When Jesus was preaching the Gospel, he never said, ‘Only the straights shall eat at my Father’s table.’”

But her old church wasn’t so bad, really. Although the Rev. Tony Tilford and his wife, co-pastor Jean-Marie Tilford, wanted to her to join either Harvest International Ministries or Exodus International, two groups that try to de-gayify people, they did want her to be happy:

She said the Tilfords offered to throw a going-away party for her, but Ott declined.

“Goodbye, Colleen! Enjoy hell! It’s a shame, we all kind of liked you, too.”

Faced with ex-gay therapy, lesbian leaves Northeast Philadelphia church [Philadelphia Gay News]

Forecast From The Heavens

I missed this on the first readthrough, but apparently Jesus’ message wasn’t just that of tolerance and peace, but also of low pressure systems and freezing rain:

Christ said that overnight the region could get 2 to 4 inches of snow from the eastbound storm - 3 to 5 if it combined with a storm moving north off the coast from the Carolinas.

As you can see from the photo, in addition to a freezing rain headed our way, Jesus has also made an incredibly good call — phew! — by rejecting the Devil’s calls to worship him in exchange for all the kingdoms of the world. Although, ah, judging by the leaders we have now, one with a message of tolerance, love and peace might be kind of a nice break.

Winter, Round Two [Inquirer]
Temptation of Jesus [Wikipedia]

Jesus Still Causing Controversy 2,000 Years On

The Inquirer’s Dan Hardy has so much more on the lawsuit over a student not being allowed to wear a Jesus costume at his school’s Halloween parade and party in Abington.

First, the background: E.D.T.’s parents are Christians who don’t agree with Halloween because of its pagan origins. (I hope they don’t put up a Christmas tree!) But they didn’t want their son to feel left out at school, so they wanted to dress him as Jesus for the school’s Halloween parade and party. The lawsuit says the school objected.

School districts have a right to ban students from wearing “offensive” costumes. I’m not sure how many people find Jesus’ message of tolerance and peace offensive, but I’d guess it’s pretty small group. And so, the lawsuit was filed, blah blah blah, et cetera.

The student, only identified as E.D.T., is in the photo at right. There’s really a lot to be said about this whole incident, too much to be contained in just one front page entry alone. So follow me after the jump to find out why Jesus has a pocket on his robe, what the school allegedly suggested the student be instead of Christ and just how hilarious the Inquirer comment section can be.

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