Dude In Funny Photo Indicted

Catherine Lucey sends news that Jack Kelly’s chief of staff has been indicted, along with three local developers. The local developers did not appear in any funny photos, however, so who cares about them?

Breaking News: Council Staffer & Developers Indicted [Clout]

Confusing Story Leads To Funny Photo

Ha ha, look, Jack Kelly’s aide is fucking him in the ass! Can’t believe they ran this photo on the front of Philly.com.

Kelly aide’s wife a fed source [Daily News]

Councilman Still Hopes To Save Duck Livers

Now that City Council is back in session and everybody is ignoring David Oh’s lawsuit about the November election, we can move on to pressing issues. And then once we fix all of those — should be like a week or two, I bet — Jack Kelly can try to ban foy grass again.

Kelly’s wish to ban of the french delicacy made out of bird liver comes not out of wanting to control our lives, but because foie gras is just mean to animals: “I’m not against any food product whatsoever. But what I am against, I’m absolutely against, the torturing of any animals. Any animals.”

Kelly is the candidate who was elected by people like Stu Bykofsky, who voted for him because he likes animals. (This is different than people who didn’t vote for Tom Knox in May because a guy in a giant shark costume told them not to. Man, politics is confusing.)

Anyway, expect more protesters in real life but not in the comments of this blog, as thankfully the foie gras people aren’t as organized online as they are in real life, or they are apparently better at recognizing satire (or whatever) than supporters of a certain presidential candidate are.

‘Pervert-Pandering Politicians’ Protested

As the David Oh-Jack Kelly race for the last at-large City Council seat drags on, new news is coming out about some of the finer parts of the race. Somebody who didn’t like Kelly — not Oh, by all accounts — didn’t want him to get elected. So he put these cards on the windshields of parishoners at St. Christopher’s in Somerton.

The “VOTER ALERT,” printed on a yellow index card, reads: “Councilman Jack Kelly voted with the homosexual lobby to remove the Boy Scouts from their city rent-free headquarters. The Scouts can remain only if they agree with the homosexual agenda which would promote sodomy to our youth. Not too long ago this would have caused Jack Kelly to be tarred and feathered for contributing to the delinquency of minors. Today, all we can do is to retire him from City Council. Distributed by COPPP - Citizens Opposed to Politicians Who Pander to Perverts, P.O. Box 57040, Philadelphia, PA 19111. ANYONE BUT KELLY.” An Alexander Pope poem, “Vice,” graces the other side.

Yes, it reads like a parody of a right-ring screed, but that doesn’t mean whoever wrote it wasn’t serious. But, hey, at least they chose a decent poem, I guess.

Even the Monsignor’s Miffed: Who are “Citizens Opposed to Politicians Who Pander to Perverts?” [Heard in the Hall]

City Council At-Large Races Still Going On

In the race for the second minority party seat in City Council, the battle could drag on for, well, ever. As of this morning, David Oh was up 12 votes on Jack Kelly.

The stakes are high. If Kelly loses, Philadelphia’s animal population will be devastated. Foy grass will never be banned.

Meanwhile, Wilson Goode’s staff includes at least one seven-year-old who can stay inside the lines.

Councilman Kelly’s Myspace Is Totally Pimped

Jack Kelly [Myspace]

Puppies 4 Jack Kelly!

Just when you think Jack Kelly can’t work this “I’m the candidate who likes puppies the most!” shtick any harder, he goes and films a campaign video contained almost entirely of cute puppies and kittens.

And Jon Saidel — also holding a puppydog — thinks you should use one of your five City Council At-Large votes to the candidate that hates foy grass and loves four-legged and two-legged creatures. But what about spiders, Jack? How do you feel about eight-legged freaks?

Campaign Commercial 1 [YouTube]
Yesterday: Jack Kelly Unsure Of How Many Legs Ducks Have

Jack Kelly Unsure Of How Many Legs Ducks Have

Jack Kelly, the at-large City Councilman, who has proposed the foy grass ban, is running for re-election along with the rest of council. He’s in a tough fight with upstart fellow at-large candidate David Oh, and so he’s totally pulling out all the stops by, uh, using cute dogs to get the public’s attention. (The other minority party at-large candidate, Frank Rizzo Jr., could probably run a dogfighting ring and still get elected.)

A billboard on I-95 in the Northeast attempts to get the public’s vote: “Jack Kelly. Fighting for everyone. Two legged. And four-legged.” Ducks, of course, have two legs, so presumably Kelly is attempting to get the dog-lover vote. Or maybe he wants the all-important Barbaro fan support!

Anyway, Kelly explained his support to Metro: “I love animals. I’ll be first one to admit a weak spot for them. The three groups most vulnerable are children, seniors and animals. I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” Oh, man, he’s using the “think of the children/seniors/animals” platform. Next he’s going to run an ad where David Oh is elected and a nuke hits Philly.

Protecting “four-legged” friends? [Metropolis]

Leftovers: In My Day, Halfballs Cost A Nickel

• Hey, oldies! Remember halfball? No? Oh, wait, no, of course not. Well, to jog your memory, there’s a documentary being made about that, kick the can, jump rope, hopscotch and all those other games that we kiddies can’t believe actually existed. Photo by Kristin Wolak. [South Philly Review]

• The statue-inspiring film star himself, Sly Stallone, had his 60th birthday bash over the weekend. Sly would watch that halfball documentary and still have no idea what halfball is. (Rimshot.) [AP/Yahoo!]

• Could Johnny Brenda’s be replacing Johnny Goodtimes as the one and only savior of Metro? Time will only tell. [Foobooz]

• Sorry for being behind on the possible Philadelphia ban on foie gras proposed by Myspace City Councilman Jack Kelly. Here’s a big ol’ recap. [Politics Philly]

• If you’re wondering which senators and representatives are in favor of the anti-gay marriage amendment to the Constitution, here’s a helpful list. [AMERICAblog]

• Speedier cheap rail to New York City is possibly coming! Of course, by “cheap” they mean “still expensive, but not quite as bad as Amtrak or a plane.” [Inky]

• And, finally, America must not want the world to get too into our own brand of football, as we’ve sent Ivy Leaguers to Japan to them how it’s done. Actually, Ivy football is lots o’offense, not much defense, so this might work. [KYW 1060]

Councilman Jack Kelly’s Myspace Page Way More Interesting To Look At Than Your Ex-Girlfriend’s

There was a story in the Daily News last week about City Councilman Jack Kelly’s Myspace page, which some younger staffers have set up for him.

And now, thanks to PoliticsPhilly, we have visual confirmation:

I requested him as a friend. Once he adds me, I can put up a glittery message saying “Thanks 4 the add!” Then I’ll message him, saying he should put Europe’s “The Final Countdown” on his page.

Councilman Jack Kelly [Myspace]
Update: Councilman Kelly’s MySpace Page [Politics Philly]
Guess who’s on MySpace! [DN, fourth item]