Central Students Doing Work Of U.S. Govt.

Central High School students have collected $1,000 for silly string to send to our soldiers in Iraq. They use silly string to detect trip wires.

The drive for silly string (or funds to purchase silly string) was started by Marcelle Shriver of Stratford, New Jersey, whose son is in Iraq. The president of the sophomore class of Central High saw her drive and will be giving her the 1 large at a rally.

This — a mother raising awareness and and money and silly string and a high school donating to the cause — happens because the U.S. government, who started this war for (as best anyone can tell) fun, doesn’t bother to give soldiers enough, if any, silly string.

Central HS Students Creates Silly String Fund For Soldiers [KYW 1060]

Chat™: Meeting Of The Minds

First, a story: I actually saw Teresa Masterson on the street the other day. She was on Broad Street taking a photo of the Union League. I would have said hello, but I figured it would be bad for my image to be murdered in the middle of Broad Street.

Anyway, here’s a discussion of her latest DigPhilly column.

anonymous reader: you have to read this new digphilly article. teresa masterson visits christopher hitchens!

pwddmac: but she admits she didn’t read his new book in the paragraph five.
reader: first of all, is not teresa masterson’s JOB to write for digphilly?
reader: meaning, if you have to review someone who is speaking at the library, would it not behoove you to actually READ his book?
reader: i mean, i don’t advocate reading his book either, but to announce it to everyone so flippantly?
pwddmac: i can’t believe she likes hitchens so much even though she doesn’t agree with him. he’s pretty much the most un-charismatic person on the planet and i’d probably agree with his annoying god book.
pwddmac: but, i, too, haven’t read it.
reader: i’ve never seen him, mainly because i can barely stomach reading him
reader: i do, however, agree with hitch on one thing: apparently women really AREN’T funny.
pwddmac: hahaha
pwddmac: see, i just laughed
pwddmac: you got THREE has
reader: well, at least one woman is an idiot
pwddmac: “He sternly addressed the anti-war people in the crowd. The soldiers in Iraq defending democracy ’shouldn’t be sneered at in my presence,’ he said.”
pwddmac: i’ll keep all my soldier sneering away from chris hitchens
reader: right, because sneering at the deceitful bloodbath of a war is akin to spitting on soldiers
reader: oh wait, you’re coming up on my favorite part
reader: the droll lavender reference
pwddmac: ha ha i get it!
reader: see, because he’s red AND blue
pwddmac: because everyone else in the world adheres to the strict principles of the democratic and republican parties
reader: lavender is a good war color
pwddmac: “oh my! a public figure who isn’t a shill for a particular political party GASP!”
reader: “maybe i WILL read his book!”
pwddmac: “This man with the British accent had more American spirit than most people I know.”
pwddmac: what exactly IS “american spirit”
pwddmac: does she mean the cigarettes?
reader: there weren’t any photos! i wanted the usual teresa slideshow
reader: why didn’t she hug hitch?
reader: oh, also: “The United States still remains the only country where others’ religious beliefs are not forced on anyone; where people can worship freely; where the government cannot force you to pay homage to any god.”
reader: i know there are “examples” in the next graph, but come on
pwddmac: she might be right. i hear in canada everybody has to make sacrifices to puckface, the god of hockey, while smoking free medical marijuana to recover from government-funded gender reassignment surgery
reader: that is one of the dumber positions she’s ever taken on anything
pwddmac: liking christopher hitchens?
reader: no, that the US is the only secular country on earth
reader: liking christopher hitchens is also pretty stupid too
reader: i hope she just happens to not know that he’s a borderline mysoginist
pwddmac: borderline?
pwddmac: that’s being generous
reader: ok, i was trying to be (uncharacteristically) nice
pwddmac: don’t be nice to hitchens!
reader: i hope she just didn’t do her research
reader: didn’t she just write about how sexist philly.com is?
reader: i want to send her a copy of that vanity fair story
pwddmac: if i link it here hopefully she’ll see it
reader: teresa: seriously. i was on the verge of saying nice things about you recently. please reconsider your position on hitch. thx.

Update: Being Christopher Hitchens. (Thanks, Amara!)

‘Bulletin’ Continues To Insist Iraq War Is Over

Ahh, the Evening Bulletin. I have a feeling nobody will be able to top last week’s racist/anti-realtor column from The Bulletin, and I’m not even going to pretend this pro-Iraq War column from Douglas J. Allan tops it.

Most of the column is pretty typical stuff: Harry Reid is a traitor, the “MSM” is horrible, Democrats are going to cause World War III. Nothing that would change any minds of anyone, but is that really the point of a newspaper column, especially one from the Bulletin?

But this is my favorite part:

Our country’s leaders were the architects of one of the greatest - and shortest - major military victories in history. … If you read Soldier of Fortune, or Oliver North’s columns, or go to any military oriented site, or talk to several soldiers, instead of “the BBC reporting from Toronto,” or Katie Couric, military expert, you will learn that we are winning overwhelmingly. Our troops are killing 20 terrorists for every one of our own, and are ready to stay - and adapt - until the insurgency is no more.

Ahh, yes, the ol’ 20 terrorist-to-1 soldier ratio. Our citizens will accept 20:1, but if it drops down to 19:1, oh oh, we’ll be out of Iraq before you can spell “Mesopotamia”!

The Price We Will Pay For Reid’s Perfidy [The Bulletin]
May 4: ‘Bulletin’ Hates Blacks, Quakers, Realtors

Soldiers To Receive Care Package With Useless Flag

Yesterday was, apparently, Philadelphia Flag Day, which celebrates the flag people see and go, “Huh?” They do this, of course, after seeing the Pennsylvania flag and also going, “Huh?”

The blue-and-yellow Philadelphia flag has been around for 112 years, but yesterday was the first ever ceremony celebrating it, because we Philadelphians usually have better things to do than go around celebrating flags we never really see. (I mean, even if you decided to fly a Philadelphia flag, most people probably wouldn’t know what it was anyway.)

But they had a nice ceremony yesterday, you could win a free flag and a soldier got leave from the Army to come home and get the first flag. And, also, he’s not the only one of our brave fighting men being helped:

The nonprofit organization Partners for Civic Pride is working to help school children send 100 “Philly flag packages” to local soldiers serving in Iraq.

The Philadelphia flag better just be the wrapping paper for bars of chocolate. Or, y’know, body armor.

Ceremony Marks 112th Anniversary of Philadelphia’s Flag [KYW 1060]

Patrick Murphy Fitting In With Politicians Just Fine

As the U.S. Congress’ only newcomer who served in the current Iraq war, Patrick Murphy’s opinions on the current conflict — as well as the troop escalation plan — carry extra weight. (I guess. I ‘unno.)

But, as you can see, the Iraq vet is fitting in right well with the politicians, as he recently did a nice job of making an out-of-date reference, a politician’s best friend:

“They are getting frustrated. They feel like it’s (the Bill Murray movie) ‘Groundhog Day’ now, four years later, that the Iraqis continue not to stand up, no matter what we do.”

If only the Iraqi army had seen Groundhog Day. Then they’d slap their foreheads and would know what the soldiers were talking about. “Oh! ‘Groundhog Day!’ They’re getting tired, we gotta stand up for ourselves!”

Bucks County Congressman Says Iraq Must Step Up Now [KYW 1060]
Previous Highlights In Outdated References From Politicians
Feb. 13: York Co. Dem.: Idea Not Fucktastic, But Important
Dec. 21, 2006: Dem. State House Leader Uses Inspiring Rhetoric From Confederate General Also Famous For Killing Mexican Civilians

Iraqi Kids Shoot Each Other, Too

As Philadelphians continue to be killed at a rate of more than one per day, people — especially the politicians in charge — are looking for answers. They’re looking for something to blame, something to change that would fix the problem (hopefully without having to do much work or lose any political capital, of course).

And, of course, our city’s fine mayor is simply continuing to find out how he can make everyone know it’s not his fault. Oh, things are bad everywhere, he says. Oh, I’ve seen other cities and it’s not just Philadelphia, blah blah blah. No shit, Mr. Mayor. But, as the person in charge of this city, it doesn’t matter what’s happening in other cities, since that’s not his problem.

But Street will continue to try to find excuses rather than answers, and his latest event to blame is, of course, the Iraq War.

Let’s say this again: Yesterday, John Street blamed the city’s rising murder rate on the Iraq War. “I believe the fact that we are a country at war has something to do with the attitude of people in the streets,” he said. “Let me tell you, it’s not just this city. I have seen it everywhere and I’ve talked to people a lot about it.” (Street is correct, of course. It’s not just this city. Things are bad in Baghdad, too.)

Street’s point is, I guess: We in America — on Earth? — celebrate violence. We love violence. We hate sex and swear words, but holy fuck do we love violence. (And reality singing competitions, for some reason.) All of this leads to more violence in real life, since we love watching representations of it. I guess?

Anyway, while I’m trying to figure out how Iraqi suicide bombers are making it more likely for teenagers to get shot in drug gang wars, Street will actually be coming up with some sort of attempt at an answer. His plan this year is to train 1,000 clergy members in conflict resolution and get them talking to people. And while they are telling kids not to kill each other, they can also tell them the boys if they kiss another man, God hates them and they’re going to hell.

Might want to invest in a flak jacket.

Blame Philly gun violence partly on Iraq, mayor says [Daily News]

Dead Iraqis Purchasing Goods At Record Rate

There might be more hilarious commentary in The Bulletin’s website today than I’ve ever seen anywhere, ever. It is amazing that this is real and not, say, The Onion. Let’s just put it all out there, shall we?

Frank Diamond, “Grossman’s ‘Unprotected’ Thankfully Strays From The Norm“:

Another area where campus counselors fail students is the push for HIV prevention…. That some lifestyle choices greatly increase the risk is deemed too politically incorrect to mention.

Sean Patterson, “Catholic Universities Betray Their Values“:

Moreover, some very un-Catholic events take place on the campuses of Catholic colleges and universities. The calendar of Saint Joseph’s University features an officially-sanctioned week devoted to gay issues, formerly known as “Rainbow Week.” A gay organization called S.T.O.P. (Students for Tolerance, Openness & Pride) is an officially recognized student group at SJU. I suspect that S.T.O.P. does not share the Church’s view of homosexuality.

Shoshana Bryen, “Before We Surge“:

Silvia Spring writes in Newsweek International that since the fall of Saddam:

* Iraqi real-estate prices have gone up several hundred percent,
* Iraqi workers’ salaries have increased more than 100 percent,
* The number of cars in Baghdad has grown by 500 percent,
* The Iraqi construction, retail and wholesale trade sectors are all growing,
* The number of registered businesses increased from 8,000 to 34,000,
* The number of cell phone subscribers increased from 1.4 million to 7.1 million, and
* Stores are stocked with goods and consumers are buying them.

Also, be sure to check out Dom Giordano’s column about how New Jersey is full of people who hate America and why forcing schools to teach kids about Veterans Day and Memorial Day is the best idea ever.

You know, these would be funnier if these weren’t the type of people who run our fucking country. I never knew that AIDS prevention and not hating gay people were such horrible things. Who cares if thousands of people have died in a pointless war: Iraqis now have cell phones! Presumably, all the people who are dead are having a great time texting their dead friends.

Stephen A. Smith Hollas At Nieces, Nephews

Stephen A. Smith — the ESPN sports analyst, Quite Frankly host and sometimes Inquirer sportswriter — tried to branch out on Saturday, appearing on CNN to discuss the War in Iraq, among other topics.

Deadspin went through the transcript and pulled out some of the funnier parts yesterday — “You have a lot of people out there looking saying all right, you know, Osama bin Laden, this is what he did. With 9/11 and what have you, but we’re in Iraq. You understand? We’re still looking for him,” “I agree with Senator Clinton,” etc. — but here are some of my faves:

Let me tell you a little story, because I’m a little scared. I’m 38 years old. Let me be honest with you. I might as well be 70 that’s how scared I am. Because I look on this side, I sitting out here, I work my butt off every day because I have to take care of my Mama, because she works so hard. So I have to make sure she’s living the life…. You can do it, right!

On the other side, I got like ten — eight nieces and two nephews, these folks walk around with their heads cut off like they don’t know what’s going on.

We’ll step up and handle the challenge faced with us, but only after we crash and burn.

I think moderation will kick in, but only after America continues to burn. I think America’s burning as we speak and anything that’s burning ultimately changing form.

I can’t be sure — it is Stephen A. — but I think he spent his time on national TV over the weekend… making fun of his nieces and nephews.

Transcript [CNN.com]
ALL THEY NEED TO DO IS BOND OVER THESE CHEESY DOODLES [Deadspin]

Kids Are Stupid, But, Well, Not That Stupid

As we all know, kids are stupid. That’s why we call them kids! Today’s Northeast Times contains the letters of a sixth-grade class at Our Lady of Ransom, a Catholic grade school in Northeast Philadelphia. It’s one of those cutesy class projects where all the kids write letters to the editor.

I’ll say the things that need to be said: Perhaps there is some lead in the water, as these kids are a little too serious for sixth graders. Or maybe kids are just a little more advanced that I was as a sixth grader. Here’s a sampling:

Don’t be a birdbrain

It’s not right to steal from stores. The store could go out of business.

In 2005 there were 689,340 shoplifters and in 2003 there were 657,414. Most of the people were not even caught, and that is a 31,926 rise from 2003 to 2005.

One person stole a bird from a pet store in New Jersey and returned it.

I don’t get it. If you steal a bird, it means you can’t afford buying it. Why would you get a bird that you don’t have enough money to get! How do you think you are going to get the shots and items the bird needs?

So, think about it and wonder — how am I going to afford that bird?

God is good
I’m sick and tired of certain scientists trying to kill off God as though He’s just another reality show. These scientists need to stop saying there’s no God. Without God, how would we have been created? How was the Earth created?

I bet none of the scientists that spread these lies have gone to church since they were 10 years old.

People need to realize that God is real. To all those scientists out there, go read the Bible!

It’s the pits
I do not know what is wrong with people these days. They fight pit bull terriers to see which one is the strongest.

These dogs should not be known for fighting or as killers, they should be known for being lovable pets.

I am also sick and tired of hearing on the news that these dogs are attacking people. It is not the dog, it is the owner who makes them the way they are.

My statistics told me that 200 pit bulls are being put down in one year. I think that is ridiculous. The law has to stop doing this.

If you were a pit bull, how would you like to be treated?

Take the ticket
I think we should just take the traffic ticket. They are just going to mail it to you anyway, so just take the ticket. A lot of times, policemen get shot for giving people traffic tickets.

I had no idea kids were concerned about such problems as shoplifting, atheistscientists, pit bulls and the danger of traffic ticket handovers.

Then again, these kids aren’t that stupid: They do have a bit firmer grasp on reality than our current administration:

Bring the troops home

Our troops should come home from Iraq because families are losing their loved ones.

Many U.S. soldiers have died already. How many more will die before the war ends?

I am positive that war is not the solution to get revenge on the terrorists. Our soldiers are risking their lives, and the least our country can do is end the war.

Put yourself in their Army boots. If you were fighting for freedom, how would you feel about missing your family and fearing that you could die any day?

* * *

Our troops should come home from Iraq because families are losing their loved ones. More than 2,000 American troops have died already. Thirty-eight thousand Iraqis have also died and 75 are wounded every day.

So how would you feel if your relative died in the war and you could never speak to them again?

Hey, these kids are all right with me. If I were a pit bull, I’d like to be treated well, thank you.

Letters 6/1 [Northeast Times]

Blogicized: When Mr. Bush Gets Angry, People Die

• A new memo, written before the start of the Iraq war, reveals that Bush was sending us into war even if Saddam apologized and sent the U.S. a nice basket of apples. Seriously, does this even surprise anyone? It’s like the big news about Barry Bonds being on steroids. What a shocker! Next, you’ll tell me that President Bush might’ve underestimated the military force an invasion of Iraq would take! Oh, wait, the memo says that, too. Hey, but at least nobody got hurt, right? Er. [Dick Polman's American Debate]

• At his talk at Penn last week, Kevin Smith mentioned that, hey, Jason Mewes — that’d be “Jay” in “Jay and Silent Bob” — had sex with Nicole Richie in a bathroom stall. Somebody wrote about it in a blog and another blog picked it up and then another and another and, suddenly, it’s in the newspapers. And Kevin Smith is now going, “D’oh!” over the whole thing. Of course it’s news over the fact that Mewes overcame his drug addiction! We Americans like our news as disgusting as possible, and really it doesn’t get any lower than screwing Nicole Richie in a bathroom. [Defamer]

• Josh Beckett got into a spat with everyone’s new favorite Phillie, Ryan Howard, yesterday, but no punches were thrown. Which is good, because I think Howard would tear Beckett in half like a baseball card. [Beerleaguer]

• What’s the best thing a Philly expat can do? Why, lead his team to a victory in a lego competition in Alaska, of course! What else do you do after you leave town? [To Philly, From Alaska, With Love]