Troops In Danger Of Consuming Fake KFC

The crack morning show team at Fox & Friends reported last week on a KFC now open in Fallujah. For some reason the U.S. military reported on the opening of a branch of the fried chicken chain, instead of some sort of company spokesperson. Anyway, the opening of a fried chicken restaurant in Fallujah meant that Iraqi citizens were no longer killing each other and were doing their killing the American way: To themselves, by clogging their arteries.

Anywho, it turns out the KFC in Fallujah is an unauthorized knockoff, as if you hadn’t already guessed. (Why else would I be writing about it?) TPMMuckraker got this comment from a KFC spokeschicken:

I understand you wanted some details about the store in Falluja that looks like a KFC. This store is not approved by KFC International and we have [been] working with the US Military to warn the troops of this situation.

Yes, please warn the troops immediately! We wouldn’t want them eating chicken not up to the colonel’s usual standards.

I also enjoyed this little bit at the end of the article:

We’ve also called the number of the faux KFC itself, but no one at the restaurant seems to speak English.

Gee, nobody seems to speak English at the bootleg KFC in Fallujah? I think they’re just stonewalling, scared of the muckraking about to take place. Someone will get to the bottom of this.

KFC In Fallujah? Too Finger-Licking Good To Be True [TPMMuckraker]

Vandalism Running Wild Locally

A few incidents of recent vandalism are sure to have people angrily writing on messageboards and blogs. Let’s go over the recent attacks on inanimate objects and how they show the downfall of America, or something.

• The vandalized item: Daniel Faulkner’s memorial plaque at 13th and Locust. The time: Sometime between Saturday night and 10 a.m. Sunday. The damage: “Fuck him” written across the late officer Faulkner’s plaque. The culprit: Uh, Free Mumia people were in town over the weekend, so them. Or could it be a set-up attempting to demonize the innocent (but annoying) protesters? Yeah, I’vealready thought about this too much. The likelihood alcohol was involved: 100%.

• The vandalized item: About two dozen flags, part of a display of over 4,000, one for each solider killed in Iraq. The time: Sometime overnight. The damage: Two dozen broken flags, duh. The likely culprit: Unclear, but probably the Mumia people, or some right-wing warmongers. There’s also a chance it was a hard-up flag manufacturer. The likelihood alcohol was involved: 100%.

• The vandalized item: Mets fans’ dignity, as at least two fans of the New York National League club were arrested. The time: Saturday’s Phillies-Mets game. The damage: I’d say “clean arrest records,” but who knows if that’s true. Let’s say the price of a ticket and bail. The likely culprit: The Mets fans themselves, of course. Phillies fans are veritable saints. The likelihood alcohol was involved: 100%.

Wow, annoying people vandalizing heartfelt displays. Uhm, shocking.

The Best Two Days Of The Year

I make a lot of jokes on this website, but here is something 100 percent serious: If you’re not into the first four days of the NCAA Tournament, please don’t bother talking to me this weekend. Or maybe ever. If you’re not spending your day at work today sneaking out to watch Temple play at 12:30 or maybe watching games online using a proxy

The moment I was 100 percent sure the Iraq War was an awful idea was when George Bush decided he wanted to start it on the first day of the NCAA Tournament. Clearly, he was a freedom-hating warmonger who interrupted the greatest sports days of the year with a stupid little war; I knew he couldn’t have a post-invasion plan. Maybe if John Kerry had said that at a debate, we wouldn’t have had to live through four more years of Bush.

Temple ate its pregame meal last night its game today is so early; apparently the Owls also are in a hotel somewhere in Wyoming for games at the Pepsi Center in Denver.

Temple’s at 12:30, Joe’s and ‘Nova are tomorrow night. There are 29 other games today and tomorrow, and I have no doubt once again watching ‘em will be a blast.

Update: My buddy Dave wrote a March Madness column for the Daily Local; the website is actually working right now, so read it before it breaks again.

Cover Your Ears, Dogs Being Discussed

If you haven’t been on the Internet today, everyone is talking about this YouTube video of a Marine throwing a puppy. Good guy!

As such, every Internet messageboard discussing any animal abuse incident initially breaks into the following two camps, people (1) wishing for death and/or bodily harm toward the animal abuser, and (2) complaining about how people don’t get similarly outraged by abuses done to humans. (If the abuse takes place in a foreign country, someone will also point out about the different status of said animal in that country. Even if it’s Canada and the animal in case is a rhino.)

Members of each messageboard then choose one of several sub-argument groups, such as people (3) arguing humans are better than animals because humans do mean things, (4) seconding especially long comments in agreement, (5) linking to research that shows people who hurt dogs go on to hurt humans, (6) complaining even more because people aren’t outraged enough. If applicable, especially hardworking members of the Internet may then tell personal stories about their own beloved animals or post personal information of the animal abuser.

Anyway, now that you don’t have to read any of the coverage of something you really don’t want to read (like, say, a puppy-throwing incident), have we settled on a name for this? I’ve heard puppygate, but personally I’m kind of leaning toward 2soldiers1puppy.

Editor’s Note: All links safe for work. Don’t abuse puppies, kids!

War Supporters Adopt Lofty Rhetoric

The great thing about this country is the freedom to say whatever you want. We Americans have the right to protest anything; with more voices added to the debate, the political discourse shall be elevated.

Such is the case in West Chester, where peace groups have been protesting the Iraq War like every weekend. Rich Davis, a Navy vet, decided he wanted to protest for the war, and he told the newspaper, “The reason I’m here is that [they're] here every week, which I think is protest abuse.”

Protest abuse! And recently, the pro-war group came up with this oh-so-clever chant:

“Hey hey, ho ho, stinking hippies have got to go!” they proclaimed.

And the Iraq War went on forever and ever and ever.

Protester Faceoff Gradually Escalates [The Bulletin]

War Protesters Brave Weather

There were a bunch of anti-Iraq War protests over the weekend, because we’re still in Iraq even though everybody wants out except George Bush and Dick Cheney and The Bulletin.

Around here, there were protests in Center City and across the river in New Jersey, where protesters were just as courageous as U.S. soldiers:

Adverse weather doesn’t keep American troops in Iraq from completing their missions and it didn’t keep protesters here from rallying to bring them home.

Both missions have similar chances of death, too, I’m sure.

New Jerseyans join protest against war [Camden Courier-Post]

Insurgents Felled By Roundhouse Kicks To Head

Yes, that’s right: A bizarre conservative “news” website has an article about how Chuck Norris went to Iraq and it’s actually much better than the liberal media would have you believe! No, really.

Norris said in an e-mail from Iraq two things have become very apparent as he has traveled from base to base: The “surge is working” and “morale is up – way up!” [...]

“It is so much safer and more relaxed, particularly in the Al Anbar province,” Norris said. “It is so much better than often conveyed by the liberal media.”

I’m not quite sure I can work anymore, folks. If reality is like this, how the hell am I suppose to make jokes? They can’t possibly top Chuck Norris saying the liberal media is ruining the Iraq War.

Reinforcements sent to Iraq – Chuck Norris! [WorldNetDaily]

President In Town To Get Everyone Fired

KYW 1060 is currently aiding the terrorists by reporting that President Bush’s motorcade is traveling down I-95, disrupting traffic all over and making everyone late for work. But, yes, the prez is in town today to talk to conservative state legislators from around the country.

He’ll be talking with the American Legislative Exchange Council, which is apparently a fiscal conservative with Democrats as a third of its members. The prez will be at the Marriott at 12th and Market, and fortunately the protesters apparently won’t be confined to “free speech zones” miles away or something:

At a news conference yesterday, leaders of several groups that oppose the war in Iraq said they planned to set up shop directly across the street from the Marriott and haven’t heard whether the Secret Service will direct them to a more distant locale.

“Two blocks away is no way. One block away is no way,” said Bob Smith, staff coordinator of the Brandywine Peace Community.

“We will have our protest right there. That’s where we want to be,” he said. “That’s where we need to be.”

Uh-huh. Just wait ’til the president uses that new executive order to seize all the assets of the Brandywine Peace Community for aiding the terrorists. Ain’t democracy grand?

Update, 9:18 a.m.: Actually, I think I went on a Match date with this girl whose parents ran some suburban peace group, and then she never called me back. Could you seize their assets, Mr. President? This is why I would make a terrible leader. (Well, one of the reasons.) I’d constantly be signing executive orders to punish ex-girlfriends, get myself free puppies, give the Philadelphia sports teams all the best players, etc. Congress would be passing joint resolutions daily telling me to put some pants on. Actually, I’d be the most interesting president in a while — or I’d at least be better than Bush.

Pres. Bush Addresses Conservative Legislative Group in Philadelphia [KYW 1060]
War protesters vow to be seen, heard [Inquirer]

This Is Kind Of Like Che Guevara Shirts For $29.99

Geeze, and you thought Byko’s Harry Potter reference yesterday was shoehorned in? Here’s Cal Thomas, syndicated in The Bulletin:

“All we are saying is give peace a chance,” says John Lennon’s anti-war protest song. But though President Bush’s recent remarks to the Greater Cleveland Partnership may have borrowed a page from Lennon’s songbook, they sang quite a different tune to a pro-war beat.

I can’t wait ’til Cal Thomas’ review of President Bush’s memoirs. “This book is a pro-Jewish Mein Kampf!”

Bush’s Song: ‘All We Are Saying Is …’ [The Bulletin]

‘Bulletin’ Headlines Keep Getting Better And Better

Hot on the heels of 24 Reasons Not To Reject Limbo come these two:

Well, that’s a new way of putting it. But if the war was for oil, that sort of shakes my foundation in the president. Who can I look up to for moral guidance?

Ah, there we go.

Iraq War Is About Oil­­ - And That’s OK [Bulletin]
The Lessons from Hogzilla [Bulletin]