‘Metro’ Readers Outraged, As Usual

Daniel Holloway and the always-excellent Dorothy Robinson did a humor piece on “25 reasons to love America” right before Independence Day. Ha ha, they even crammed both of their heads into one byline thingy.

Since it’s a humor column in a newspaper, people get angry. Yay for America! Anyway, apparently you can’t call Ben Franklin a pimp without people getting all up in arms. (After the jump.)

More »

Cheez-It Truly Honors America

In celebration of our Independence Day — it was the other day, you remember? — Cheez-It got a guy to make a giant carving of the Declaration of Independence out of cheese.

The excellent handiwork was done by Troy Landwehr, who has been carving cheese since he was 12. The whole stunt is actually for a good cause: The cheese will eventually be donated to food banks in Wisconsin.

TV Viewers Demand Access To Fireworks Displays

Okay, so it was raining, and everybody thought the fireworks were cancelled, and it turns out the fireworks actually weren’t cancelled, and so nobody saw the fireworks. Shitty, but alas, nothing anybody can do about it now, and who wanted to sit out in the rain at 11:30 to watch fireworks anyway? End of story, I suppose.

Of course not. The big story on CBS 3 right now is, of course, the “fireworks fiasco,” which is a major fiasco for CBS 3 because 6 ABC broadcasts them, not CBS 3. (It’s also the lead story on NBC 10’s website.)

After the Hall & Oates concert ended, the police repeatedly broadcast announcements saying, in effect, the fireworks were canceled. As in, the announcement went something like, “The fireworks have been canceled.” But, whoops!

A spokesman for the Philadelphia Mayor’s office contends the city did not cancel the show. Joe Grace said they told spectators to leave the parkway for public safety reasons, but “they were never cancelled.” Grace said because of localized flooding and lightning, they decided the show would go on for the television viewing audience only.

Uhh, what? What the hell is the point of watching fireworks on television? Who watches fireworks on television? Damn you, 6 ABC! If you’re home at 11 on a holiday night, you probably have work the next day and are probably already asleep. Ooh, let me stay up to watch the fireworks on my 13-inch bedroom television!

Once again, Philadelphia proves it can’t do anything right. I’m surprised after the Declaration of Independence was written, John Hancock didn’t spell his name wrong while singing it and then accidentally chuck it into the Delaware.

Update, 3:48 p.m.: I think a shortened version of this post is in order. Here we go: After Hall & Oates, the fireworks were postponed. The cops said it, 6 ABC said it, everyone heard it. Somebody (Sunoco or 6 ABC or John Street or The Pope or whoever) then made the decision the fireworks should go on, and so after everyone had cleared out the fireworks went on anyway.

Fireworks Fiasco: Off, On, Off? [CBS 3]
Philly Fireworks Go Off Despite Cancellation [NBC 10]

The Show Must Go On, Even If It’s Cancelled

The weather didn’t really cooperate on the holiday yesterday. Although Philadelphia natives Hall & Oates — one of whom has the greatest mustache of all time (I think it’s Oates, though it could be Hall) — were able to perform their 4th of July concert, the city told everyone to go home afterwards, as the rain would postpone the Independence Day fireworks.

Of course, 40 minutes later, the fireworks went on, for the benefit of television viewers — because there’s really nothing better than watching fireworks on television! KYW 1060 reports the station was actually told “shortly after” the postponement that the fireworks would go on: “We actually are going to make sure that our viewers at home get a spectacular 4th of July and that we’ll be running the fireworks momentarily.”

The estimated viewership for the fireworks at home was like 3 people.

Phila. Fireworks Set Off After People Sent Home [KYW 1060]
A heavy rainfall fails to dampen July Fourth fun [Inquirer]

Philadelphia Will Do 1776: Get A Load Of These Idiots

Hey, did you hear what these rubes did earlier today? A bunch of idiots claiming to be a “Continental Congress” got together and decided to write a Declaration of Independence from England. Yeah, these guys think we can actually defeat the British! I mean, I hate fat ol’ King George III too, but do you really think a bunch of colonists like us can defeat the greatest army in the world? You know what happened to the Spanish Armada, right? Sure, we all gave those Brits a whipping last year up in New England, but there’s no way we can actually defeat the British in a real war.

We even had some support across the ocean until these idiots attempted to invade Canada. Yeah, good idea, let’s all be violent numbskulls and attempt to capture an area populated almost entirely by French people.

The text of the document is equally pretentious. Check this out:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Wait, don’t all these guys own slaves? Yeah, we hold these truths to be self-evident, except for the people we own. Ha ha! It’d be a knee-slapper if it wasn’t so sad. Also, what’s with all the random capitalization? Every other word in this document should be followed with [sic].

Okay, so the rest of it isn’t so bad. It’s actually a pretty funny list of all the shitty things King George III has done, and I would love to see the look on his face when he finally reads it. Maybe then I can finally get all of these troops I’ve had to quarter in my house.

That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do.

I agree we should be able to form our own country, but what’s with “Power to levy War” first as the things we want to do as a free nation. “Whoo! We’re free! What do we do now?” “Let’s invade Canada again!” Damn, these pretentious fathers trying to found a country do everything in their power to piss me off. They’re absolutely right about King George and they annoy me nonstop anyway. What else are they going to do if we actually manage to defeat the British: Begin collecting an income tax! (Okay, okay, that’s too stupid even for them.)

And our mayor. My God! Did you hear he’s already in line for an iPhone? I don’t even know what a phone is!

Update: Oh, yeah, and nobody’s signed it yet, except for John Hancock, whose signature is roughly the size of a small house.

We Shall Celebrate With Ads And Port-A-Potties

Over two-thousand years ago this Wednesday, Jesus himself was wrote the Declaration of Independence, helping America break away from evil King Herod of England in the biggest upset in world history until Villanova’s defeat of Georgetown in the 1985 National Championship. Or at least that’s how I think it goes.

As the City of Philadelphia is the place where the Declaration of Independence was conceived, written and later stolen by Nicholas Cage — it remains missing, if you see it call 911 — Philly is decked out in patriotic gear once again. It’s also decked out in the greatest American invention ever, advertisements.

The Sunoco Welcome America! festival is also sponsored by Southwest Airlines, the Philadelphia International Airport, 6 ABC, Coca-Cola, Fairmount Park, the City of Philadelphia and the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. It has a second tier of sponsors, too: El Sol, Goya, the Greater Philadelphia Tourism and Marketing Corporation, the Penn’s Landing Corporation and Transformers: The Movie.

There is a third level of sponsorship as well. That list: 95.7 BEN FM, 98.1 WOGL, 100.3 The Beat, 102.9 WMGK, Advil, 107.9 WRNB, the African American Museum in Philadelphia, Ajilon Consulting, Amtrak, the Philadelphia Housing Authority, Domus, Valley Green Bank, Herr’s, Hershey’s, the Independence Visitor Center, GEICO, KYW Newsradio 1060, Le Nueva Mega, the Loews Hotel, Marriott Vacation Club International, Metro, Haverford Systems, the National Park Service, NBA Nation, the New Covenant Church, Once Upon A Nation, the Osiris Group, Juicy Juice, PATCO, the Philadelphia Convention and Visitor’s Bureau, the Philadelphia Daily News, Philadelphia Trolley Works, Philadelphia World Salsa Congress, The New York Times, the Philadelphia Chapter of the Recording Academy, the Plash bus, the Philadelphia Parking Authority, Praise 103.9, Radio Disney, The Philadelphia Tribune, Rumba 1560 AM, SEPTA, Sovereign Bank, Sundance Vacations, Telemondo T62, Temple University, Tastykake, The Philadelphia Inquirer, Titan, the Trolley Car Diner, Wireless Philadelphia, Kajeet, WJJZ 97.5, 93.3 WMMR, The Kimmel Center, Select Event Rentals and the Center City District.

Lest you think these sponsors have nothing to do with the independence of our nation, Southwest Airlines has let us know that their existence validates the simple words declaring the Intolerable Acts intolerable first written by some dude many years ago.

God Bless America.

Sponsors [Welcome America!]

Breaking: Hooters Shut Out Of Philly Event Again

Hall & Oates to headline city’s July Fourth festivities

Leftovers: If You Don’t Give My Football Back, I’m Gonna Get My Dad On You

• Match No. 62 of the World Cup is going on now! France leads Portugal 1-0 at half, and there’s only the final and third place game to go after this, so these are your final days of watching soccer until the next World Cup! [FIFAWorldCup.com]

• Are you a “stop ‘n’ go” that sells beer to unsuspecting communities that may not want it? Well, congratulations, you can keep selling beer! [Daily News]

• A special “acting attorney general” will look into whether or not New Jersey’s state attorney got her boyfriend out of trouble over Memorial Day weekend. So… they have money for an “acting attorney general” but not for the lottery? [Camden Courier-Post]

• Sixteen people were injured at a fireworks display in Montco. And you thought your Independence Day was bad. [NBC 10]

• Sad news to report: Ex-City Paper photographer Mpozi Mshale Tolbert died at 34 over the weekend. [The Clog]

• And, finally, on Monday the Philly PD had its job made a little easier for them when a woman drove up to the 17th police district and said she had a body in the trunk. That’s some nice detective work. [Daily News]

You’re Reading This? Wow, You Must Hate America

I don’t kid myself about who reads my blog. I know it’s just people trying to waste time at work. And to that I say: Awesome! If I can contribute to a downturn in productivity of the American worker, I’ve done my job. So: If you’re reading this, you’re probably working. Sorry to hear that.

Me, I’m off today. But I’m not heartless. For those of you who are working today, I’m going to be posting a few things before heading off to celebrate our freedom. If you’re at work, sit tight, mutter angry things about your boss under your breath, and come back, and hopefully I’ll be able to brighten up your day a little bit.

You need something now? Okay, okay. Check out the Philly.com front page:

Apparently, them is now spelled thum. (You don’t get any good jokes today, sorry.)