The Good Old Fashioned Morons In New Jersey

My new favorite source for up-to-the-second commentary on anything, the Courier-Post Forums, has a hot debate going on right not that dwarfs any previous debates about why homosexuality is a choice and why Jews and Indians are doctors.

The backstory: A dog named Congo bit a landscaper and was sentenced to death. But since we only get bloodthirsty about humans being put to death, the dog was spared by a State Assembly panel.

Oh, but there’s a twist. I think it’s best to just let the Courier-Post explain this one: “The story connects hot-issue circuitry. Mix the gentility of leafy, enlightened Princeton with the dog-lovers and the immigration debate — the landscaper is reported to have been an illegal from Honduras — and the story quickly won global appeal.” Congo is New Jersey’s Jocelyn Kirsch!

Congo’s owner, some guy named Guy James, says the ninety-six bites our friendly Honduran immigrant received were actually in self defense after the dude and some buddies hit the dog with a rake. Assemblyman Neil Cohen went to visit the dog and decided, hey, this dog’s fine: “Congo had sat patiently and played with a ‘Hanukkah toy’ from Cohen, while reporters and photographers accompanied the legislator.”

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Northeast Citizens Give Hilarious Crime Solutions

Okay, more Northeast Times fun. My dad actually had this paragraph cut out of the paper and circled in red ink from last week’s issue when I was home on Thursday. It’s a detail of a town hall meeting State Rep. (and Speaker of the House) Denny O’Brien recently held.

The forum gave O’Brien a chance to hear from constituents. There were all kinds of suggestions, from re-opening Holmesburg Prison to building a wall along the Mexican border to amputating the index finger of anyone who fires a gun illegally.

O’Brien, though, favors a systemic approach to crime. His four-pronged approach includes not only the criminal justice system, but a focus on the areas of education, behavioral health and community outreach.

Sometimes, just writing it straight produces the most hilarity. And, yes, if you’re wondering, this is another Onion article come to life, though I’m not totally sure that fake article isn’t actually real.

Time to move forward in crimefighting [Northeast Times]
Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public [The Onion]

Bulletin’s Trail of Tears From Lansdale To London

The Bulletin — née The Evening Bulletin — is concerned with immigration. Like, really concerned with immigration. The Ol’ Bull’s so concerned with immigration reporter Joe Murray has become the paper’s Southwest U.S. correspondent.

I can only assume this means Murray will patrol the border with the Minutemen and maybe interview some illegal immigrants. (And he’ll probably call them “illegals,” which is just a nice thing to call people.) Oh, and he’ll also slaughter some American Indians, who I thought conservatives were cool with now:

Andrew Jackson had made great strides taming the Indian threat, America had taken a rebellious Mexico City to the woodshed and American manufacturing was at the beginning of a boom that would make it the envy of the world. America was enjoying the benefits of youth, and it was the West that was her tabula rasa.

Ha ha, and then Jackson set in motion for Martin Van Buren to kill 4,000 Cherokee.

Murray will be reporting from Las Vegas, so clearly he’s essentially the paper’s “Hell” correspondent.

The Bulletin is a paper that is on the move and is reaching people from Philadelphia to Paris, Lansdale to London. The Bulletin, however, is not just any newspaper. It is committed to bringing top quality news to a readership that respects family values and the decency that made America great. Thanks to the World Wide Web, The Bulletin is not only Philadelphia’s family newspaper; it is the world’s.

As you may know, I used to work at the Bulletin as the arts and culture editor. I think the “family values and decency” thing is where we ended up differing a little bit. Fuck yeah!

Joe Murray: Go West, Young Man [The Bulletin]

No One Can Resist Nick Cage’s Charm

Thanks to reader Chris for noticing something I missed in the Bridgeport story in yesterday’s Inquirer.

The relevant anecdote from the article, emphasis mine:

“In some ways, I can’t blame them,” said Anette Robles, 24, who was born in Mexico and raised in El Paso, Texas, and who moved to Philadelphia after thinking the city looked appealing in the film National Treasure. “People who are used to running things don’t like it when other people come in.”

That’s funny. I have a buddy who originally moved here because of The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.

Mexicans feel Bridgeport brush-off [Inquirer]
Nicolas Cage is a One Man Tourism Agency [Huge Tiny Mistake]
The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon [IMDb]

Leftovers: Party On North Broad

• Fight on, Temple! The Owls ended their 20-game losing streak Saturday with a 28-14 win over Bowling Green. (The Falcons, naturally, beat them 70-7 last year.) Could a bowl game be next? Uh, no, but this guarantees a few more “Golden Age of Temple Football” billboards on I-95 next year. And, for Temple, a win is a golden age. [Inquirer]

• Oh, yeah, if you’re wondering, apparently Temple football fans can hold a grudge about being called a crappy football team for a long, long time. [Temple Football Forever]

• Hazleton, Pennsylvania, the first city to pass an anti-illegal immigrant ordinance in America, is now suffering from businesses closing (in the Hispanic business district) and such. But the mayor sympathizes with the business owners, so, y’know. [Inquirer]

• As much as I hate podcasts, there’s a new podcast up on SoundAboutPhilly by the always-entertaining Once Upon A Nation people. Play it for your out-of-town friends. [SoundAboutPhilly]

• A former Republican staffer in Bucks County claims he was fired after criticizing an email sent by GOP supervisor Fred Gold. The email featured a topless woman promotion “Breast Appreciation Day” — ho ho — and a sentence saying, “Beats the shit out of Martin Luther King Day, doesn’t it?” Gee, this ex-GOP staffer should learn that sexual correspondence over the Internet is part of the Republican party’s platform. [Bucks County Courier Times]

Raj Locks Up Elephant, Mariachi Band Vote

It’s going to take a lot for 13th Congressional District longshot/ex-Apprentice contestant Raj Bhakta to knock off incumbent Democratic Rep. Allyson Schwartz in November’s election. He needs something big. Something memorable. (Or he needs Schwartz to be found in bed with Mark Foley’s severed head.)

Since Schwartz is rather unlikely to murder anyone anytime soon, Bhakta turned to the next logical way to get attention: Hiring a six-piece mariachi band and three circus elephants to stand near the U.S.-Mexican border.

Bhakta thinks our borders aren’t secure enough and, if we don’t secure them, mariachi bands and elephants will be able to come freely into America and steal jobs from hard-working American mariachi bands and elephants.

He didn’t have any of these men or elephants cross the border, of course, but he says nobody was there and so they could have easily snuck in. But, uh, why elephants. Okay, yeah, Raj is a Republican, but does he think it’s Republicans who are sneaking across the border? Wouldn’t he be for that? Will our country one day be overrun by illegal immigrant Republican mariachi bands who will spend their time playing patriotic ditties while dismantling social security?

Only time will tell.

Making a pachyderm point [Doylestown Intelligencer]

Leftovers: Hey There, Blimpy Boy

• The feds arrested 115 illegal immigrants over the past five days in Pennsylvania and Delaware. Holy Geno’s, Batman! [AP/6 ABC]

• The blimp flight that was the dream of seniors went off yesterday, although high winds grounded at least one person’s turn on the blimp. (They went one at a time, it seems.) Alas. [Doylestown Intelligencer]

• NB to vandals: The police have access to your Myspace bragging, too. [Inquirer]

• The space shuttle Atlantis is cleared for landing! Chris Ferguson can come back to Earth and prep for a parade down Woodhaven Road. [AP/Phillyburbs.com]

And Jesus Cast The Illegal Immigrants Out Of The Temple, Saying…

Illegal immigration is one of those can’t-miss column topics that is sure to generate a lot of reader commentary. It’s also something people (those people, of course, not including me) feel strongly about, and so it gets written about a lot.

Stu Bykofsky weighs in again on the debate today. It’s a pretty good column premise at first, asking people to tone down the religious rhetoric when it comes to the immigration debate:

It’s a fair fight, mostly, but the “condone” crowd has claimed the moral high ground for itself. It basks in its self-anointed goodness, purity and saintliness.

Not content with legal and moral arguments, its latest thrust - unveiled in demonstrations over the Labor Day weekend - is religious, which is a very dangerous game to play, especially with what’s going on in the world today.

“A law that opposes the law of God is not a law that should be obeyed,” thundered Agapito Lopez, an opponent of Hazleton’s ordinance against illegal immigration.

I’d tend to slightly agree. While religious beliefs certainly influence one’s own views on hot-button topics, it’s not much of a debate tactic to simply say, “Well, God doesn’t want us to obey this law.” It may be how you feel — and, that’s certainly okay — but you’re not really going to convince anyone who doesn’t already think like you (or share your religious beliefs) if you simply say that God is on your side.

So, I suppose, I want to commend Byko for… oh, what’s that?

He certainly wasn’t talking about Jesus’ admonition to “render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s.” Jesus meant the Romans had the right to tax the Jews and to impose Roman law. I’m no Bible scholar (as if you didn’t know that), but I conclude Jesus would agree that civil authorities can take action against illegal immigrants.

You see, Rabbi, it’s best to keep religion out of this debate.

Oh, by the way, Jesus is on Byko’s side.

Stu Bykofsky | Keep religion out of illegal immigration [DN]

‘Courier’ Gets Tales Of Racism Out Of Way Early In Immigration Series

The Bucks County Courier Times is doing a weeklong series on immigrants living in Lower Bucks County. (The LBC, if you will.)

Here’s how it begins:

Sometimes, it’s a banana that flies into Lorenzo Bravo’s bike along Street Road.

Other times, it’s a racial slur or a loud honk that throws him off balance.

Bravo, 37, originally from Mexico, has been a permanent U.S. resident since 1988, but some people still assume he is here illegally.

“Most people are good,” Bravo said of Americans. “But some … they just see me walking on the street and they don’t like me.”

Oh, Bucks County residents. You so crazy! And racist!

Is melting pot overflowing? [BCCT]

Anti-Illegal Immigration Rally Allows Residents Of Riverside To Fly Their Racism High Under The Guise Of ‘God Bless America’

Because, really, what better way to show that your predominantly white town is a home to a bunch of racist fucks than fly the Confederate flag? Ooh, the protesters could cheer the flag as it goes by, too. Yeah, that’ll do.

Protest roils Riverside [Inquirer]