Perplexed City Council Ready To Fix Your TV

As you may know, in early 2009 television will cease analog television broadcasts and transmit only digital. People with cable won’t really have a problem, as will those with newer televisions. Those with old-timey TVs will have to purchase a converter box; the government will provide $40 coupons to anybody who wants ‘em. (Look! The government has produced a less-than-helpful .PDF.)

While the government will make a boatload of money by auctioning off the old spectrum that formerly transmitted analog TV, the whole switchover is most certainly going to be a mess. (People, as you may know, are idiots.) But, never fear, Philadelphians: City Council is here to help!

“When the television doesn’t work, they’re going to call us.” City Councilwoman Marion Tasco knows phones at city council offices will light up when TV goes all digital in February of 09: “We need to explain to them what’s going on.”

When someone’s TV goes out, do they really call City Council? Man, I think I just realized that despite the six-figure salary, you have to deal with idiots all the time; I don’t know if it’s worth it. “Hey, Jim! My television isn’t working!” “Yo, Brian, my refrigerator is broken!” “Um, Jannie, did you see today’s Dilbert? It’s hilarious!”

City Council Gets Briefed on Switch to All-Digitial TV [KYW 1060]

Terrorists Finally Win; Pa. Hides Location Of Polling Places

You know, I was thinking of voting the first Tuesday in November, but it seems kinda scary. After all: What if a terrorist attacks my polling place? You might think that’s a little silly, but the state of Pennsylvania doesn’t! Yes, the locations of polling places will not be published this year due to fears of terrorism.

Yes, that’s right: Usually, the state publishes a big ol’ list of, you know, places where you can vote. Even though your vote is meaningless, it’s at least nice to keep a semblance of a representative democracy. But since terrorists have been thinking about disrupting that all-important Nutter-Taubenberger mayoral election, the Department of State has decided not to release a list of places where you can vote.

The reason, of course, is the 2004 terrorist attack in Madrid, Spain, which happened just before an election there. (News of it didn’t reach Pennsylvania until last week.) And since Michael Nutter and the Area Comptroller in Nowheresville County were the ones who got us into this war in the first place, terrorists might be thinking about taking action against Pennsylvania polling places. Especially in Berks County.

“The agencies agreed it was appropriate not to release the statewide list to protect the public and the integrity of the voting process,” Department of State spokeswoman Leslie Amoros told the Associated Press. “It certainly had nothing to do with wanting fewer Democrats voting,” she added in a quote I just made up.

If you need to know where you vote, you can call the state or county election bureau. Oh, and it’s all freely available on the state voter services website. Terrorists, as we know, do not have access to the Internet.

Pa. Won’t Release List of Polling Places [AP/The Guardian]

Tourists Too Dumb To Know What Pajamas Are

A little after 9/11, the Greater Philadelphia Tourism and Marketing Corp. launched the “Philly’s more fun when you sleep over” campaign, aimed at boosting sagging hotel occupancy rates. The ad series apparently worked, but it’s been quite a while, so the day after the mayoral election the GPTMC’s going to roll out a new campaign.

And why, after so long, has the campaign gotten a little stale? Well, it’s because the international symbol for sleep — a dude in pajamas, perhaps dancing all around Center City while singing a catchy tune — is just too hard for potential tourists to comprehend.

Levitz did acknowledge that the “Philly’s more fun” campaign had started to show its age. The campaign featured people, ranging from the campaign’s hired “Pajama Guy” Jim Malone to Mayor John F. Street, in red pajamas.

Focus groups, conducted in six cities, showed that people were confused by the whole concept of pajamas.

“People didn’t even know what pajamas were anymore. They’d say, ‘What is he wearing?’” Levitz said. “People didn’t want to see Pajama Guy. They just wanted to see more photos of the city and countryside.”

Man. We gotta put these tourists on the duck boats they love so much and teach those idiots what pajamas are.

Phila. unveils new tourism ad campaign [Philadelphia Business Journal]
Philly: The Musical [YouTube]
August 20: Tourists Deserve Your Scorn As Much As You Thought

Home-Schooled Student’s Plot To Kill 1 Foiled

Hey, everybody, we have our own school shooting story right over here! A home-schooled kid in the suburbs was arrested for planning a “Columbine-type” attack on a school. Since he’s home-schooled, he apparently was going to shoot up his own house.

Oh! Here we go. He was going to storm Plymouth Whitemarsh High School in his attempt to be a bigger idiot than the Columbine kids.

A 14-year-old home-schooled male student was taken into custody after a 9mm assault rifle, air guns, hand grenades, explosive powder, a bomb-making book, videos of the Columbine shooting, and disturbing notebooks were found at the student’s home, according to Plymouth Township police.

How would he carry that all into the school? I guess it’s not really all that much, but it seems like this kid would get weighed down. Unless he’s that creepy kid bodybuilder, he can’t be that strong.

‘Columbine-type’ threat thwarted at Plymouth Whitemarsh High [Inquirer]

Worst Corn Maze Ever

Hey, know what’s a good thing to do around Rosh Hashana? Well, hell, I don’t know, I’m not Jewish. But I do know something that’s not all that nice to do: Cut a giant swastika into ground!

Yes, the swastika at right was hand-cut into a corn field in Washington Township in Mercer County recently and was discovered by a helicopter pilot on a “routine maintenance mission.” A routine maintenance mission for what? To check for swastikas carved into cornfields? Because that would be a pretty hot job.

Anyway, people are blaming stupid punk kids or possibly racists. But police aren’t expected to find the culprits because the news media fucked it up:

The attention directed to the site by news helicopters, however, may have led people to trample evidence, which could hamper their investigation[.]

Huh? Did people think it was a corn maze? Please, Corn mazes are only carved into cool things, like Gerald Ford.

Police Find Swastika Cut Into Acres Of N.J. Cornfield [NBC 10]
Police Investigating Giant Swastika Carved Into New Jersey Cornfield [Fox News]

A Nation In Crisis Needs You Now, Sisqo

In recent years, horrible columns with incessant whining of conservative commentators decrying the “nanny state” have risen in numbers that no graph could possibly contain. (Plus, I’m fairly sure conservative commentators are against functions, too, so there’s no point in plotting it anyway.) These columns have risen in such great amounts because commentators have run out of topics, yes. But they’ve also risen because, uh, lots and lots of people are telling us how to live our lives so we don’t manage to kill ourselves.

Some regulations by a government make sense. For example, we have building codes so we don’t all drive our cars into a new barn on Walnut Street. (Or something like that.) We have seatbelt laws because we’re too dumb to wear seatbelts. We have drug laws so the government can oppress us. But sometimes the laws seem to go too far, depriving us of our American right to eat ourselves into a 500-pound ball of fat and die of heart disease at 45. (I think that’s how Patrick Henry died.)

There is an interesting debate to be had, though; if making things like smoking a minor inconvenience actually saves peoples’ lives, does the government have a moral obligation (for lack of a better term) of enforcing these laws? Or does this encroach too much on our own liberty?

Yes, there is an interesting debate to be had, but not here. That’s because this new law is about banning thongs and baggy pants in Trenton.

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Mark Cohen Would Like You To Know His Penis Is Not Afraid Of Itself

Here is what’s funny: When state lawmakers say things like, “All over the country, people live longer lives because of me.” Here is what’s funnier: When state lawmakers propose a Phillyblog Day. Here’s what’s even funnier: When state lawmakers make a post about reaching a certain number of posts on Phillyblog.

Even funnier than that is when state lawmakers go through and make a list of the posters on an Internet messageboard with 1,000 posts or more. And even funnier than that is when there’s a sort by posts, descending order feature on said messageboard but the lawmaker doesn’t know about it so he goes through and calculates all the top posts by hand.

And, of course, even funnier than that is when state lawmakers tell reporters they’re being libeled because of comments on a blog that are posted by “MBC Penis” and say “I feel threatened by philly blog and Rep. Mark B. Cohen’s penis.”

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Can’t Stop The Music

Rule number one of transporting cocaine: Don’t do anything stupid that would let the cops into your card. I don’t really know if that’s rule number one, but, hey, it seems like it’d make a good first rule.

Regardless, the Glassboro’s Wilbert Lopez was allegedly carrying 19 bags of cocaine in his SUV when he crashed into a crowd of people at the XPoNential Music Festival just over the river in Camden on Saturday. He allegedly rear-ended a car before continuing down the street and crashing right into the center of the festival, smashing into a Ben & Jerry’s stand (funny) and a little girl (not as funny).

The show, however, must go on.

On Sunday, Roger LaMay, general manager of Philadelphia’s WXPN-FM, said most festival visitors he spoke with didn’t even know about the incident. “Fortunately there were no serious injuries… and the show continued and there were no disruptions,” LaMay said.

That’s right, folks: No car crash could stop Robert Hazard’s 8:20 p.m. set. Phew!

Man charged in music festival crash [Camden Courier-Post]

Idiot Terrorist On Trial, This One From Yahoo!

Hey, remember Osama bin Laden? You know, tall guy, attacked the World Trade Center, we were supposed to have captured him? Yeah, well, we didn’t catch him still, but we did catch this idiot from Wilkes-Barre who’s currently on trial.

Writing on the Osama Bin Laden Crew Yahoo message board, Reynolds - who was living in Thailand at the time - said: “America has overstepped its bounds in Iraq. . . . There is a plan if you only truly seek to commit to it. . . . Let’s talk.” He later wrote, “It would be a pity to lose this idea.” Assistant U.S. Attorney John C. Gurganus displayed this and other e-mails on courtroom computer screens.

Ahh, yes, the OBL Crew guy. Once again, all the terrorists we catch are idiots who ask for their al-Qaeda boots and uniforms or attempt to attack the most unguarded of all sites, an army base. Anyway, we’re going to lock this guy up for like 800 years and we will be safe from Yahoo! messageboards and their terrorist cells.

Web sleuth testifies in terror trial in Scranton [Inquirer]

Drug Czar Has Clearly Never Smoked Up

This is from a while ago, but although I made fun of him in the paper I don’t think I did anything here, which means: Fair game! Easy opportunity to make the same jokes again!

Ladies and gentlemen, Office of National Drug Control Policy Chairman — i.e. the drug czar — John Walters:

“Marijuana usage is a blind spot in our communities,” Walters said. “It is the catalyst that makes violence worse. We need to abandon this notion and work to fight these substances.”

Hey, Mr. Walters. You ever hear of crack?

Walters Points Blame At Parents [The Bulletin]