Man Arrested For Stealing Horse Statue

A horse statue at the former Garden State Park racetrack in New Jersey went missing last week. Police have now arrested one man and are looking for three others; nobody is sure how, exactly, four dudes were able to steal a one-ton horse.

The Courier-Post reports “[p]art of the horse was recovered in Pennsauken,” but most of the bronze statue was sold for scrap in Camden. (And turned into glue, etc., etc.) The man arrested had four outstanding warrants in four different New Jersey communities. Highly impressive, but nowhere near a record. The theft of the statue, though, totally deserves a round of applause just for the difficulty factor.

Man held in horse statue theft [Courier-Post]

Smerconish Just Messing With Us Now

I was grilling while we simultaneously played a game of family soccer. Four hand-molded ground sirloin patties simmered on the flame alongside four all-beef hot dogs. The smell of dinner wafted through the neighborhood as we staged a match between “Man U” and “Chelsea.”

That’s from the fourth paragraph of Michael Smerconish’s Sunday Inquirer column yesterday. Get it? Ha ha, he puts the things in quotes to show that soccer is stupid! Or he’s unfamiliar with it! Not a terrible writing tactic, but not one I’d like to go into my archives to see how often I’ve fallen back on it. But it’s kind of silly to put quotes around Manchester United and Chelsea, which is sort of like writing, “I was at this so-called sporting event, ‘The Olympics.’”

The column is actually about the exploitation of racehorses leading to Eight Belles’ death. But he’s also eating hamburgers at the same time, so maybe he’s making a point! OMG is Michael Smerconish going to become a vegetarian? Is he going to grill up murder suspects and eat them? Is it really funny that his dog is named Checkers?

The first two I’m not sure. But the third one is a definite yes.

This Is Synergy

Six racehorses from a Burlington County farm have tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug under the state’s newly expanded drug-testing rules, the state attorney general’s office announced today.

The horses were from Winner’s International Farm in Chesterfield, Burlington County. They tested positive for erythropoietin, which can enhance a horse’s oxygen consumption during races, but can also lead to heart attack or stroke during intense exercise.

Horses, drugs… really, this has it all. I like how the side-effects of the drugs are listed. Oh, no, you might hurt the horsies while you race them around and around and possibly to their deaths!

6 racehorses fail drug tests at Burlington Co. farm [Philly.com]

Strawberry Mansion Stable Shuttered

Here is one of your few chances to see horses in the middle of a city street, at least besides ones pulling tourists being told Ben Franklin sired 80 illegitimate Swedish children. The city today busted up an illegal horse stable in Strawberry Mansion.

Apparently the stables were unsanitary and hazardous, and so 46 horses were removed. The city will actually raze the stables on Friday. Philly SPCA head Lisa Rodgers told clued us in on why there were actually horses in Strawberry Mansion.

(Kuznits:) “What are people doing with the horses in the city?”

(Rodgers:) “Well, they’ve got this urban cowboy type situation. They’re in such close proximity to the park that they take the horses out and they ride through the park. They claim that the children in the neighborhood take care of the horses and it’s a way to keep them out of trouble. And some of that may well be true, but unfortunately, our concern is that the horses are in unsanitary conditions.”

Perhaps the urban cowboys can rustle up a posse and take down the varmints in this city.

City Shuts Down Illegal Horse Stables in Strawberry Mansion [KYW 1060]

Barbaro Museum Defeated After All

The news of the day: Local hero Barbaro, a horse who showed the world he could inspire Internet anger long after he finished everything on his bucket list, will no longer have a museum built in his honor.

His co-owner Gretchen Jackson says she is close to figuring out where Barbaro’s ashes will be buried. (She did not announce anything about a horse her and her husband Roy bred, George Washington, who was sent to stud before it was determined it couldn’t sire. The horse raced again and was destroyed after he broke down in the Breeders Cup.)

The museum idea is on ice right now, but there is going to be a big ol’ statue of Barbaro people will probably end up caring a lot about. If it’s life-size, could people get to pretend to ride Barbaro? Oh, man, that would be awesome! Barbaro is so much better in statue form.

Horses Are Doomed Either Way

So a bunch of horse lovers got together and decided to try to get horses to not be slaughtered. They succeeded and slaughterhouses were closed in Texas and Illinois. The horses are now slaughtered in Canada or Mexico in far worse conditions, and the horsey people don’t know what to do. To be fair, horsemeat is disgusting and no one should be eating it. On the other hand, who wouldn’t want to have a Barbaro burger?

Meanwhile, I got an obviously fake Barbaro letter the other day and I’m posting it after the jump.

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Merry Christmas From Philadelphia Will Do

May your Christmas Day be as joyous as the day you heard the news this stupid horse was finally dead and you’d never have to hear about him again. That’s how it went, right?

Vick, B*rbaro Stories Converge In (Where Else?) China

Today in the Courier Times, diminutive 76ers guard Lou Williams says he supports Michael Vick, who will be sentenced next month for his guilty plea in a dogfighting case. You know, he’s not into dogfighting, but Vick attended his high school games when Vick was on the Falcons and Williams was a high schooler in the ATL, so he hopes he can get his life back on track once he’s out of jail. (Horse people, of course, want him executed.)

Anyway, ever since the Michael Vick dogfighting story broke, I’ve been using a joke about how the sport (uh, whatever) I really want to see is horsefighting. It combines the brutality of horse racing and dogfighting with the gambleability of, well, horse racing and dogfighting.

Turns out, like most cool things in this country, horsefighting is made in China. Yes, Britain’s Telegraph. According to the paper, the sport has been celebrated for over five hundred years in China and is even on some tourists’ itineraries!

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I Didn’t Even Make A Glue Factory Joke

Honestly, I don’t think all of these are real — though people have contacted my bosses with pretty much equal sentiments — but this is my favorite:

You should walk a mile in the horses hoofs and see if you like it.

I’ll be at the dog show for some of the day. Now there’s an animal I can call advertisers about if someone jokes about dogfighting or something.

Another advantage of being a human over a horse: I don’t have to nail my shoes to my feet.

Wednesday: Dead Horses Found Beaten In North Philly

Barbaro Continues To Inspire D-Mac Hatred

Looks like Mark B. Cohen isn’t the only person who calls my boss to complain about jokes I make. But Cohen, to his credit, understands what I do here.

A fella by the name of Dennis left a message for my boss in response to this throwaway post about dead horses I did yesterday. He actually has more in common with Ron Paul’s fans than he does with Rep. Cohen.

I happened to stumble upon Philadelphia Weekly, and I found something written by a gentleman by the name of Daniel McQuade… This gentleman, and I use that term loosely, because I highly doubt he’s a man, says: [here he quotes me]

So I’m curious as to why Philadelphia Weekly is promoting cruelty to animals. And I’m gonna go down and contact every company that’s advertising on your site and ask them the same question as to why they’re advertising with a company that promotes cruelty to animals.

If I could get some answers, that would be great. I don’t understand if this guy’s just an idiot, if he’s a drug addict, maybe he’s never gotten laid in his life, I don’t know. But whoever things that harming animals is something that deserves to be rewarded is mind-bloggling to me. it reflects very poorly on your company institution. I assume you want to be a real newspaper or publishing company, but man oh man, that doesn’t look good.

Have fun dealing with this guy, uwishunu!

Update: Barbaro fans have entered the fray!