Great Moments In Hilarity

Today marks the annual “joke issue” in the Daily Pennsylvanian — of course, never on April 1 — a fine publication that I dedicated approximately 100% (margin of error ±5%) of my time in college to. In the tradition of all former DP editors, I’d like to go on record as saying that our joke issue was much funnier.

The real best joke of the day, however, comes in a fake column by Maureen Rush, head of Penn’s public safety. As you know, Penn was hit with a bit of a crime wave earlier this year, and Rush’s fake column blames various groups for it, including:

The Jews: Zionist fascists bankroll the steady stream of cocaine to our nation’s poor neighborhoods, fueling drug-related crime activities. So it’s the Jews who are really behind this — and every — crime wave.

In light of these revelations, it seems that I’ve been right all along: Safety and security are shared responsibilities. So do your part by embracing my final solution to our crime problem.

Ha ha! Get it! The “Jews” are the reason for the crime wave, so there has to be a “final solution”! Ha ha! Whoo, isn’t that a thigh-slapper? What, there wasn’t room for a “This recent American Indian crime wave is turning the walk home into a ‘Trail of Tears’” joke?

Sgt. Maureen Rush: Keeping safe, keeping it real [DP]