Adolf Hitler Captured By Authorities

Get your keyboards ready to sign some Internet petitions! The parents of everyone’s favorite New Jersey kid — one Adolf Hitler Campbell — had their three little tykes taken away by New Jersey Youth and Family Services.

Taken away were the little dictator, who’s three, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, who’s 1, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, who will turn 1 in April. Yes, if you’re wondering, little Honszlynn Hinler is named after Himmler, the head of the SS. Clearly, the parents did a lot of research before writing down their kid’s name.

[Holland Township, N.J. Police Chief David] Van Gilson said he didn’t know why the children were taken or who had custody. He said his department received no reports of abuse or negligence. [...] “Whatever children were at the home were taken,” the chief said.

Though naming your kid Adolf Hitler might be construed as child abuse, there’s no word on what, exactly, these parents did to warrant removing the child. They did whore for attention at a ShopRite in New Jersey, but who among us hasn’t attempted to put a murderous dictator’s name on a cake before? I remember my first “Happy Birthday Pol Pot!” cake.

The Express-Times has been your number one source for Adolf Hitler Campbell news; the paper broke the scandal (it’s called “Watergate II,” I believe). This was my favorite part of today’s story:

Heath Campbell, who’s previously said he picked the names to honor German ancestry and because they are unique, has reported receiving threats after the story was published.

Well, they certainly are unique. But, I mean, he coulda just gone the easy route and spelled a normal name incorrectly. That way the kid could even get a job on TV (just ask Jennaphr Frederick). I don’t think Adolf Hitler will be getting to report live from a kindergarden anytime soon, you know.

New Jersey Division of Youth and Family Services removes Adolf Hitler Campbell, sisters from parents’ home [Express-Times]

Hitler Birthday Cakes Must Be Self-Prepared

That little angel at right is a little boy from Warren County, N.J. Sadly, this little boy can’t get a birthday cake personalized with his name on it.

Why? Oh, yes, because his name is Adolf Hitler. The ShopRite in Greenwich Township isn’t going to put “Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler” on a cake.

The family did not want to write their own inscription on the cake — which they could have easily done — because that wouldn’t be exploiting their child to get attention to their laughably horrible cause. “ShopRite can’t even make a cake for a 3-year-old,” said Deborah Campbell, the 25-year-old mom of little ol’ Adolf.

What’s really great are the names of all the children:

JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.

It’s amazing that the child with the most normal name out of these three is the one named Adolf Hitler. Of course, I really do think “Aryan Nation” is a better name than “JoyceLynn.” But, really, who expected these parents to have taste?

Your Insta-Updated Hitler Scorecard

Who knew that the exact same day as my Broad Street Review Hitler reference scorecard there would be another one to write about?

“The Contemporaries, as they called themselves, were a lively group, stimulating each other to experiment with new modes of expression and enriched by the artist refugees fleeing Europe and Hitler.” Anne Fabbri, art review, Feb. 19. Rating: One Godwin. Fair reference in this review of the new Frida Kahlo exhibit at the Art Museum.

Come on, guys, this is getting a little too sensible. Can’t you call the Kimmel Center design “worse than Hitler’s sense of style” or something?

Hitler Continuing To Make Pages Of Phila. Arts & Culture Journals

Since Hitler came up twice this morning, I figured I’d take a look at everyone’s favorite Hitler-referencing publication was doing. The Broad Street Review has a handy search function; so far in 2008, Hitler has been referenced five times. It’s only February 19!

I gotta keep a running tally. Here’s the current score, with ratings measured in Godwins:

• “It’s astonishing, watching The Rape of Europa in a Philadelphia theater, to think that one of the world’s great collections of art is endangered in our own community by the sort of arrogance that Hitler and Goering displayed in extremis more than 60 years ago.” Robert Zoller, movie review. Rating: Four Reverse Godwins. Movie is about the Nazis’ art destruction, but is compared to the Barnes Museum’s Parkway relocation.
• “When he started the composition, Americans didn’t yet know of Hitler’s systematic plan to kill all the Jews.” Steve Cohen, review of Philadelphia orchestra, Jan. 22. Rating: One Godwin. Referenced in a play about Jews.
• “In words and pictures alike (for Miller had become a published journalist as well as a photographer), she documented the flaming end of Adolf Hitler’s dream.” Andrew Mangravite, photography review, Jan 27. Rating: One Godwin. The artist photographed hitler.
• “Conversely, the French tradition of rigorous critical analysis is actually an excuse for inaction— a good thing in some instances (the French avoided our current Iraq trap) and a bad thing in others (the French failed to stand up aggressively to Hitler).” Dan Rottenberg, play review. Rating: Two Godwins. Eh, he coulda done without the Hitler reference, but it’s not too bad.
• “My parents, born in 1916 and 1917, were the exact contemporaries of Arthur Miller and his fictitious Victor Franz. They belonged to the so-called “Greatest Generation,” the one that licked both the Great Depression and Hitler.” Rottenberg, play review. Rating: Two Godwins. The same applies here.

I’ll try to keep updating this as the references roll in; there are more on the letters page!

Larry Kane Is Serious About NFL Results

Hey, you know how Arlen Specter is going to destroy the NFL for the benefit of Comcast or whatever? Yeah, well he’s taking his damn Congressional time on it, still not having talked to NFL commish Roger Goodell.

Specter says he’s tried to call, but maybe Goodell gave him a wrong number or something. The NFL sez Goodell will meet with Specter in sunny Hawaii, during the Pro Bowl, perhaps? Fortunately, Specter says all of this could lead to Congressional hearings, which is just a-okay with Television Legend Larry Kane who writes on his magical blog that Specter is right and people attacking him are incorrect. He also begins a paragraph like this:

Also, sports fans.

Anyway, if you head over to Larry Kane’s blog, try to be nice and coherent. Inane comments may fly on the blog of a 12-year-old like myself, but Kane is having a little problem with Hitler comments. No, really:

After the football game, I checked my email and was shocked to find some notes that had come through this website. They were from people who listened to my rather tame conversation on the radio earlier in the day. The language was so foul and hateful, it surprised even me, a veteran of 50 years in newsrooms. The reference to my religion were disgusting.

Welcome to the Internet, Larry! That’s all it is: Anti-semites, racists and porn. Ain’t technology grand?

Hitler Is A Cowboys Fan

This is too funny.

Update: Apparently, this video is great for subtitling. Thanks, Eric!

[via Iggles Blog]

Broad Street Review Back On The Nazi Beat

Never more have I been convinced the Broad Street Review is a parody of a cultural criticism website (sort of like a refined The Onion with McSweeney’s) than when I read this article comparing the moving of the Barnes Foundation to the Nazis stealing art. Bravo, good sirs.

Bill Conlin Feels Same Way About Bloggers As I Do

Apparently Bill Conlin’s column about Jimmy Rollins’ MVP made people on the Internet angry. You see, Conlin made a lot of stupid jokes about how, ha ha, people who care about baseball stats are idiots. (If you’re counting at home, that makes a major columnist and last year’s Phillies beat writer who believe looking at baseball stats is wrong or something.)

Anyway, a sports blogger emailed Bill Conlin to disagree with his column — and, yeah, stat-wise, there’s no way you can make the case for Rollins as MVP, even though Conlin compared him to Ernie Freaking Banks — and Conlin eventually responded angrily.

The only positive thing I can think of about Hitler’s time on earth–I’m sure he would have eliminated all bloggers. In Colonial times, bloggers were called “Pamphleteers.” They hung on street corners handing them out to passersby. Now, they hang out on electronic street corners, hoping somebody mouses on to their pretentious sites. Different medium, same MO. Shakespeare accidentally summed up the genre best with these words from a MacBeth soliloquy: “. . .a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. . .”

Hey, I wish somebody would put all the bloggers in concentration camps, too! And, while we’re at it, let’s throw in major daily sports sections that are shadows of their former selves.

‘Daily News’ Honors Firefighters With Hitler Reference

The lead of Damon C. Williams’ article about two late firefighters who were honored with a plaque:

SEPTEMBER 1939 is a month etched in history books as the beginning of a world conflagration.

That month, Hitler invaded Poland, leading Great Britain to declare war on Germany, which ultimately led to U.S. involvement and World War II.

On a side note, I would totally recommend checking out Williams’ Twitter page, which is an awesome combination of slang, old-timey newspaper speak and the acronym YFJ, which stands for Your Favorite Journalist.

Top o the mornin’, peeps! Regulatin’ like Warren G. Time for YFB to upload a video to YouTube.

Plaque ceremony memorializes 2 who fought the fire wars [Daily News]

One-Man KKK Chapter Plans To Annoy People

When we last saw 37-year-old Joseph Bednarsky (right, approx weight: 767 pounds, or 1.52 Ed Rendells), back in October, he was passing out KKK fliers at a picnic in Deerfield Township in Jerz.

Bednarsky — who, as you may remember, lives with his mother and calls himself “Imperial Wizard of the Confederate Knights Of The Ku Klux Klan Of Millville, New Jersey” — is back again, filing paperwork to let Millville know of his plan to pass out KKK literature in the spring. Because if there’s one person people in Millville are going to listen to, it’s a racist who can’t even get into the KKK and has to form his own chapter who lives with his mother.

Bednarsky wants his “group” to rally from 9 to noon. He’s previously clashed with Millville officials when he appeared at a town council meeting in October seeking an apology from a city councilman who told police to investigate whether the KKK planted (?) asbestos (?) under Town Hall. (If you plant asbestos, do you get a cancer-causing tree to grow?)

But that’s not all the racist news in Jerz today. Two Bayonne parents are going to federal court today to challenge a suspension their kids got for wearing Hitler Youth buttons to school. (Where would one get a Hitler Youth button? I’m kind of afraid to search the Internet for fear of finding some sort of racist eBay.) Anyway,k the parents are pissed — they had previously sued over school uniforms — and, amazingly, the students wore buttons of a group with fewer members than the “KKK of Millville.”

Klan says it plans to rally in S.J. town [Camden Courier-Post]
Parents Want Children to Wear Hitler Youth Buttons at School [6 ABC]
Oct. 10: KKK Blankets Jersey With Poorly-Drawn Fliers