Son Stabber Hailed As American Hero

There are a lot of heroes in today’s world, but none are greater than Upper Darby’s Lawrence Dugan Sr., who attempted to murder his son. Yesterday, he officially became a free man, as his three months time served before posting bail was applied to his one-month sentence.

Dugan Jr. wouldn’t testify against his father, so Michael Chitwood — who told the best joke of all last year when he said the War on Drugs makes us safer — did the only natural thing and hailed him a hero:

“At the end of the day, I think justice has been served,” Chitwood said. “The father, even though he was the stabber, he was not the villain in this case.”

Ahh, yes, you see, the son was a heroin addict whose mom called him “evil.” Dugan Jr. is back in jail on theft charges — the article helpfully notes he was a “junkie” and that he was so evil he stabbed someone — and the father is not allowed any contact with his son. “Junior is a bad guy. You name it, he’s done it,” Chitwood said. “Junior is not an innocent victim in society. He put that family in fear.” Woo-hoo, vigilante justice in Upper Darby! I’m gonna kill all the scumbags I see — maybe I’ll get a parade!

Upper Darby man who stabbed junkie son is freed [Daily News]

He Ran (So Far Away) But He Couldn’t Get Away

In February of last year, Daniel Gallagher was minding his own business, driving down at the Packer Marine Terminal. And then he turned and — whoops! — he ran over a giant flock of seagulls, killing 189 of them. A very common occurrence. I mean, who hasn’t this happened to?

Gallagher, 50, was in municipal court yesterday, but not to get a medal of commendation for doing the world a favor by killing a bunch of dump gulls. No, he is on trial for killing those infernal birds, which is sort of like being arrested for kicking a pigeon. (Sorry, Sara.)

The prosecution used all its powers to attempt to convict this hero, introducing every piece of evidence except thousands of letters to Santa Claus.

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