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Ruben Amaro’s Mommy Loves Him


I know “Phillies GM” ranks somewhere near “car thief” in terms of prestige, but it’s good to know Amaro’s mom still loves him.

Stan Hochman: Phillies GM Amaro always will have his mother in his corner [Daily News]

Big News At Penn!

Front page of today’s Bulletin (which I found free at a Drexel parking lot, of course):


Whoa! Can the Penn news get any bigger?! Let’s check the Daily Pennsylvanian:


Caroline Stern, a College sophomore who lives on Beige Block, is thrilled that there is “finally” a CVS nearby. [Beige Block is on 41st. There is a CVS at 43rd and Locust.--ed.]

“It is phenomenal,” agreed College sophomore Rachel Cohen, her housemate.

Yes. Yes it can.

Major Prison Reform Achieved


And it turns out Philadelphia stopped having women in labor shackled all the way back in June!

Practice of Shackling Pregnant Prisoners in Labor is Terminated [KYW 1060]

Philadelphian Reacts To Something

111208flintstonescar.jpg KYW 1060 has a story headlined “Philadelphia Residents React to Possible Bailout for Auto Industry.”

And how many Philadelphians will we hear from? Oh, just one.

Andrew of Manayunk says it may be time to draw a line in the sand: “With our deficit where it is, and with the mortgage bailout already, I guess someone has to take the fall for people to realize the government’s not going to bail everybody out. So, maybe this is where it has to stop.”

But Andrew concedes that’s not likely to happen because of the ripple effect the collapse of the auto industry would have on many other sectors of the economy.

Fortunately, he has two different opinions, so it’s like they surveyed a wide swath of Philadelphians.

Phila. Residents React to Possible Bailout for Auto Industry [KYW 1060]

About What You’d Expect From Fox

Still, you just have to give them credit for being so open about it.

Thanks, Fox News

Actual headline from

I don’t believe what I just saw.

Hip-Hop-Dancing Colin Powell Fuels Speculation He’ll Endorse Obama [Fox News]
Thanks, John

Paul Newman Not Done Yet

On the current front:

Catch the hottest film next summer as Paul Newman stars in Cooler Hand Luke: Absolute Zero!

TV has a way of bringing stars back from the dead [Inquirer]
Paul Newman, 83, the Hollywood icon with the famous blue eyes [Inquirer]

Thanks, Jeff!

Late N.J. Undertaker Deathly Serious


The Lame One-Liner Revue for Tuesday, September 9th, 2008.

Don’t worry! That Undertaker is doing just okay. It’s just a headline! That Associated Press headline at right actually reports an undertaker in New Jersey was involved in a murder-suicide. (That phrasing always sounds ridiculous.)

And now: The details, which will no doubt have you making awful jokes the rest of the afternoon:

Police say he left behind numerous letters explaining why he did it.

Lt. Michael Gaimari says Brooks killed his wife because he was worried how she would fare after he was dead.

Neighbors say the funeral parlor Brooks ran had fallen on hard times and the couple was experiencing financial problems.

Hard times? But people were dyin’ to do business there! Or did the price of bulk caskets, or maybe embalming fluid, go up? Or maybe everyone’s just healthier; maybe the state’s smoking ban proponents can cite this as proof of its effectiveness.

The Press of Atlantic City does its best to quell any rumors:

“We can rule out this was an act of domestic violence,” [Gaimari] said, referring to similar cases across the county - some as recent as last month - in which jilted men killed their girlfriends in acts of passion-fueled aggression. “It looks like he did it because he was worried about her well-being in his absence.”

Good thing the paper noted this trend went “across the county” and wasn’t limited to just a section of Atlantic County, or just to undertakers.

Ninjas Target Drug Users, Are Arrested


Police in New Jersey arrested two ninjas yesterday; the men (arrested in Clifton) said they were on a mission to tell drug dealers and users to stop, lest they suffer harm.

Guys, I know you’ve heard my column is coming back off hiatus soon, but this really isn’t the best way to handle it.

Calling themselves “Shinobi warriors,” the men wore black SWAT-type vests and carried knives, throwing stars, swords, nunchucks and a bow and arrows.

After being arrested early Wednesday in a car on Route 46, the men said they were delivering warning letters to drug dealers and drug users urging them to stop their “impure” activities.

The letters said those who persisted would be stopped with “justified yet, merciful force.

I have to imagine these two are part of the government’s new plan to fight the drug war with ninjas. Pretty soon the DEA will move on to other internet favorites and fight it with pirates and LOLcats.

Also, the headline on the story is awesome: N.J. men with Asian weapons claimed to target drugs.

Photo by R’eyes, Creative Commons license

This Is One Way To Put It


This is the strangest way possible to headline a story about a local Olympian who won a gold medal.

Local Olympian Stops Rowing Before End Of Race [NBC 10]