Gold Prices Soar Because Of Ron Paul

Now that John “Walnuts” McCain has clinched the Republican nomination, it’s only fitting that everything seems to be going Ron Paul’s way — now that he has exactly zero shot of becoming president.

First, there’s the ongoing spike in gold prices and the popularity of gold parties, where everybody gets together and sells their gold to some dude who then sells it for higher on Jeweler’s Row. (I don’t know if they’re popular, but I heard it on the radio.) Ron Paul pays his bills in gold bars, so while he spends a lot of money on postage, he’s doing well in the pocket right now.

Then, there’s his 16 percent showing in Pennsylvania on Tuesday. Joe Murray in The Bulletin (your source for Republican primary news!) says the 27 percent Paul and Mike Huckabee received in the primary might mean people don’t like John McCain, then goes and quashes his own argument.

But, still, people still do love some Ron Paul, or at least love the things he loves (i.e., gold). This will surely culminate in his takeover of the White House via write-in vote this November, after which he will abolish the federal government, including the presidency.

Ron Paul Races Into Final Lap

American hero, gynecologist and presidential candidate Ron Paul is gearing up for a huge weekend. He could win a primary! Okay, so it’s only in Maine, and he’s the only candidate who visited the state, but, still!

But, once again, it’s not all Ameros gold and rainbows for Ron Paul. Previously, Paul supporters had a blimp, which is now grounded. The blimp’s backers have an outstanding balance to the blimp company. Earlier this week a group of supporters wanted to sponsor a race car at the Daytona 500, but have now dropped out out of the, uh, race:

As you all can see the vicious lies and attacks on Ron Paul Racing are not stopping, the time and resources spent all week have been too much for our small organization to swat down. Every word in our prior statement is true and verifiable.

We tried to be as open and honest as possible while maintain our ability to discuses options for our car sponsorship with the top people in the industry. Nobody in their right mind will now. I can say we were close to three different deals that would have been mind blowing.

The way I see it, either (a) Wonkette killed Ron Paul Racing or (b) Ron Paul Racing imploded. When are Paul’s supporters going to take a cue from this ridiculous Hillary Clinton ad and start skydiving to support the good OB-GYN? (See, that would be good because some of their chutes wouldn’t open.)