Via Wonkette comes this video game promo I’m probably way late on (it seems about a year old) but whatever: Check it out! It’s for a game called ZooRace, which is one of those crappy shovelware video games — only it’s a crappy Christian shovelware video game, which means it’s 10 times better.
Want a plot synopsis? As best as I can tell, it’s this: After the flood, Noah lets his animals out to have races announced by God, in which they are also shot out of cannons and attached to missiles. Do you not want this game yet? I have no idea why you wouldn’t be sold.
I was watching the somewhat-like-1999 MTV Video Music Awards last night, which were so hilariously bad they made me giddy. People are worried about Barack Obama being the Antichrist? Please. I believe we’ve already found him: Whatever God is sponsoring this year’s VMA’s is so unholy there can be no other explanation. (I can only imagine the director of Linkin Park’s video is also telling God he was awesome in Transformers as well.)
This video also features an Oscar winner, Slash from Guns ‘n’ Roses and the best expression of the night from John Legend. And, um, yes, that American Idol contestant (I think?) implied if you have sex before you’re married, you’re a slut.
Chase Utley was booed at the home run derby last night, and fortunately was caught on the mike telling Yankees fans what he felt. “Go fuck yourself” might have been a better thing to say, but we’ll have to settle with what he said. (Because we can’t handle the word fuck in print, the Daily Newsfor some reason prints “(bleep) you.” Seriously, guys?)
If you watched last night’s home run derby, you no doubt saw ex-drug addict Josh Hamilton hit 28 homers in the first round. Hamilton got off drugs in part by finding Jesus. This led 700-time Sportswriter of the Year Rick Reilly to say, “It’s a lousy night to be an atheist.” Since Hamilton is Christian, was it also a bad night to be a Muslim or Jew? (The difference is: If Reilly had said, “This is the worst night for Jews since Kristallnacht,” he would have been fired.)
Reilly is, of course, correct: God rarely interferes in human events anymore, but he does every once in a while help a Christian in the early rounds of a home-run hitting contest or two. Every once in a while he even helps them break storied records, like Bobby Abreu’s historic total of 24, which has stood for an immeasurable amount of time (three years). I’ve always thought it was kind of weird that God interferes in exhibition contests (that aren’t even a baseball game) and not, say, the postseason, but who am I to question? He’s God.
Once you get to the finals, though, you’re on your own. Hamilton hit just three homers in the final round and lost to Justin Morneau, who was promptly called the wrong name. But, ha, ha, Chase Utley cursed on live TV before the game, which really gives a way better high than heroin.
Meet Eileen Button, columnist for the Davison Flagstaff Flint Journal Clio Messenger. I am guessing those are three separate papers, but who knows. Ms. Button recently took a trip to Philadelphia, and there she found God. Where, you say?
No, not the basilica or the Liberty Bell or Lincoln Financial Field. Not even at my place! Not, she found God on SEPTA. And he was… mouth-watering.
Recently, I found God as I rode the train from Center City Philadelphia to the city’s airport. A young man boarded the train and took the seat in front of me. Although it was early morning, he smelled wonderfully like lunch in an ethnic restaurant - spicy, garlicky with a strong dose of Hungarian paprika.
Wikipedia says “paprika” comes from the Hungarian “paprika,” so I did learn something here, albeit indirectly. I also now know that SEPTA will soon have an ad campaign quoting this column, encouraging riders to “Get there with God!”
Also: When people who smell sit near me on SEPTA, I blame the Devil.
He immediately began his morning routine as he rubbed oil into his hands and began styling his thick, curly black hair. I stared, mesmerized by his oblivious primping, and noticed how his hair fell onto the brown corduroy collar of his barn coat and framed his almost-black eyes and unshaven face.
I thought it was lovely - and that’s where God entered in. Tears filled my eyes when I realized that God might watch us with that much curiosity, ardor and utter appreciation.
The column is about finding God in ordinary places. Fair enough. But: When I see people crying on SEPTA, I usually don’t think that’s God’s doing. Now I know.
And, yes, that random link to centercityphila.org was in the original piece.
No longer will we have to simply be terrorized on I-95 by multiple Christian billboards; now the atheists have their own billboard, too! It is not nearly as stupid as the one that says “Jesus hated going to church, too,” but it’s up there. Leave alone the weirdness of doing a billboard of, uhm, the sky: I thought the bonus about not being religious was not having to deal with getting together with a bunch of people you don’t really know or like to do chants and such.
I believe it’s time for us to pool our money and get a billboard urging people to worship Jupiter.
In case you didn’t know, I’m kind of a picky eater. I don’t like much food, and I’ve always been mystified as to why that offends people so much.
It’s so stupid of me that I didn’t think of the answer sooner: People are idiots!
Judging from postings at food Web sites like chowhound.com and slashfood.com, people seem more willing to date those who restrict their diet for health or religion rather than mere dislike.
Typical sentiments included: “Medical and religious issues I can work around as long as the person is sincere and consistent, but flaky, picky cheaters — no way” and “picky eaters are remarkably unsexy.”
Oh, wah wah wah. So if I don’t eat Chinese food because God forbid me to, it’s okay. If I do it because I find Chinese food disgusting, I’m “unsexy.” Even though the former is the one where you’re going to hell for eating food my God forbids.
Whoa, I just tried to rationalize how people think. Forget it, I’m going to get a PB&J sandwich.
It wouldn’t take much to be more positive than this blog, but, yes, I believe this newspaper is entitled to call itself the Positive Image with a headline like that. At least the paper’s not called the Subject-Verb Agreement Times.
As for God: This is just like that time he flooded the world as a gift. I guess He’s feeling the credit crunch just as much as the rest of us; either that, or not even He can get his hands on a Nintendo Wii. That’s what we all really want, right?
Well, I broke my rule. Yes, I traveled more than two blocks to cover an event. But this was no ordinary event. This was the press conference for the Million March for God.
I’m relatively sure I was the only member of the news media (”news” “media”) at the event, though there were three cameras and one of them could have been filming for one of the local TV stations. Nonetheless, there was a good-sized crowd at the National Constitution Center auditorium, because a group of schoolkids from Washington DC private school were brought to fill in seats, which one of the speakers called a “miracle.”
Despite the strong language on the event’s website, most of the speeches at the event were mainly about vague (but good) concepts like health, education, welfare (the noun, not the program). There was no mention of modern medicine.
The above is the official website of the Million March 4 God, an event apparently so important the organizers decided not to get a real website or spellcheck anything. The event will be officially introduced tomorrow at Independence Mall. (The march will take place in DC, though.)
The MM4G is organized by Joel Cody, who was also part of the Guardian Angels, Live Aid and Hands Across America, all other equally annoying events and groups. The Daily News summarizes the event as encouraging a law to mandate insurance for handguns, pushing to require annual mental health checks for guns — these previous two planks have about as much chance of happening as I have being elected Pope — and asking churches to provide in-house medical care.
