Tour Guides Tell Hilarious Lies

Our city will soon face the long arm of the Tour Guide Gestapo, and for that we have City Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown to thank. But we also have local historian Ron Avery, who testified in favor of the tour guide regulations that will brand all certified tour guides with flair.

He submitted to Heard in the Hall a list of 84 falsehoods he’s heard tour guides say, which is kind of a lot of work to do for tour guide regulation research. Do you think he’ll open a tour guide regulation test prep service?

Some of these lies are pretty awesome, and I submit we should pretend they are true anyway. Go forth, people, and spread these awesome tall tales!

• Trees were planted along streets so illiterate people would know the name of streets. So Pine Street was lined with pine trees etc.
• It’s called Society Hill because Penn gave it the Society of Freemasons.
• Dr. Rush responsible for death of George Washington. He bled him so much and gave him cough medicine with mercury.
• Ben Franklin had 80 illegitimate children all in Sweden.

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Barbaro Museum Defeated After All

The news of the day: Local hero Barbaro, a horse who showed the world he could inspire Internet anger long after he finished everything on his bucket list, will no longer have a museum built in his honor.

His co-owner Gretchen Jackson says she is close to figuring out where Barbaro’s ashes will be buried. (She did not announce anything about a horse her and her husband Roy bred, George Washington, who was sent to stud before it was determined it couldn’t sire. The horse raced again and was destroyed after he broke down in the Breeders Cup.)

The museum idea is on ice right now, but there is going to be a big ol’ statue of Barbaro people will probably end up caring a lot about. If it’s life-size, could people get to pretend to ride Barbaro? Oh, man, that would be awesome! Barbaro is so much better in statue form.

River Stymies Fake George Washington Again

Somebody on my Facebook posted the news video of the Washington’s crossing reenactors getting pushed downstream by the current. Washington must have been Superman in order to make it across; it seems like they never actually get to cross the river due to the weather.

Washington’s Crossing Still Remembered By Losers

Yesterday was not only the annual Pagan Tree Festival, it was also the anniversary of Washington’s crossing of the Delaware, where he braved icy conditions (and piranhas) to go to Trenton, where he was shot. But then he recovered and killed the Hessians, German mercenaries who were, apparently, incompetent.

One thing they weren’t, though, was drunk, as the Courier Times pointed out yesterday. The Hessians weren’t drunk, but they sure were good people!

Fischer writes that the Hessians also were not mercenaries per se. Rulers of small principalities in Europe often hired out their well-trained armies to other nations.

The soldiers had a profit motive as well, making money not just from their regular pay, but from whatever they could plunder.

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George Washington Blasts All Candidates

Some dudes decided to have a 1792 Presidential Debate to celebrate last night’s UFO-laden debate.

And, guess what? George Washington hates everybody running for office.

President Washington, as imposing a figure today as then, was more standing than running: “Well, sir, I do not run for office. I believe that the sheer fact that somone actively seeks an office is proof positive that they lack the characteristics to serve properly. Unfortunately, many politicians twistify the very engines that put them there and they are not as concerened with the common weal as they should be.”

Washington here just seems like he’s trying to install de facto term limits. Oh, I see, he’s president already, so all he has to do is say nobody’s running for office. And, unsurprisingly, Washington got 100% of the electoral college in 1792. George Washington was as much of an elected president as Saddam Hussein, apparently.

And less than 0.5 percent of the population voted back then, which means Washington got fewer votes than your average dumb blog gets today. More people will probably wear hats for the Philadelphia Wings (over 10,000), who are not playing this year, than voted for Washington in 1792 (9,478).

All hail King Washington, who is more like Rudy Giuliani than any other candidate.