Eli Manning Somehow Wins Super Bowl

Wow. The Ron Paul Blimp coulda crashed into the field — through the roof of the dome! — and I would have been less surprised than watching Eli Manning lead the game-winning drive in the final minute. Yes, the Giants are Super Bowl Champs, and now you have to hear about it from your annoying college friends for another few years or so. Thanks, Patriots, even when you fail to go undefeated you screw me over.

So, yes, the Super Bowl champs are a team that only beat one team with a winning record (Washington) during the regular season and beat the Eagles in game one without Westbrook and in game two when David Akers’ game-tying 59-yard field goal hit the upright.

The highlight of the game was clearly the end of the pregame show, where Ben Franklin impersonator Ralph Archbold (and other historical impersonators who probably aren’t as famous as Archbold since Philadelphia has no celebrities) helped introduce the Declaration of Independence. This had a lot to do with football.

The Founding Fathers were once again shown as freedom fighters instead of a bunch of annoying slave-humping, cannabis-smoking rich people who didn’t want to pay taxes. (They were kind of the Ron Paul supporters of their day, only effective.) Anyway, the dirty terrorist Giants defeated the all-American Patriots yesterday, so that means six more weeks of winter and it probably means John McCain wins the presidency to get us into 100 more years of war.

[video via The 700 Level]

Founding Father Robs Alexander Hamilton’s Bank

The news has pretty much been slow since Milton Street sang on top of a casket in March, so let’s head over to Jersey.

A dude, dubbed “The Mad Hatter” has apparently robbed 17 banks in the Dirty Jerz, including a Bank of America in Union yesterday. (Yeah, it’s North Jersey. It’s either this or trying to come up with something funny about homicides. Right.) The Mad Hatter has robbed banks wearing a hunter’s cap (like an Elmer Fudd hat?), a fishing hat, a military hat (one with the spike on top?), a baseball cap and a knit cap.

I always thought they only gave bank robbers dye-stained cash nowadays and robbing a bank was a pretty bad idea. He’s only gotten away with $60,000, which is a lot, but is it really worth the almost guaranteed jail time? But, hey, if this dude has managed to get away with it 17 times, you almost want to say more power to him.

Or, rather, 16, perhaps. The FBI has finally caught the suspect. His name: James Madison. Yet again, new information about a founding father has ruined his reputation, much like George Washington’s slaves, Ben Franklin’s 700 illegitimate children and John Hancock’s furry fetish.

Update: The recently released details:

A man suspected of being the “Hat Bandit” bank robber is an admitted killer who spent 18 years in prison for bludgeoning his girlfriend and stuffing her body in a suitcase before dumping it in the Passaic River in 1986. [...] Madison was allegedly using his current girlfriend’s 2001 black Nissan Altima for the bank heists, Romankow said.

Yep, single guys: This dude has a girlfriend and you (I) don’t.

Update 2: Better joke alert! “Somewhere, Ira Einhorn just got really excited.”

FBI releases name of ‘Hat Bandit’ suspect [The Star-Ledger]
Police: ‘Mad Hatter’ robs 17th bank [Camden Courier-Post]
Thanks, Rob

Philadelphia Will Do 1776: Get A Load Of These Idiots

Hey, did you hear what these rubes did earlier today? A bunch of idiots claiming to be a “Continental Congress” got together and decided to write a Declaration of Independence from England. Yeah, these guys think we can actually defeat the British! I mean, I hate fat ol’ King George III too, but do you really think a bunch of colonists like us can defeat the greatest army in the world? You know what happened to the Spanish Armada, right? Sure, we all gave those Brits a whipping last year up in New England, but there’s no way we can actually defeat the British in a real war.

We even had some support across the ocean until these idiots attempted to invade Canada. Yeah, good idea, let’s all be violent numbskulls and attempt to capture an area populated almost entirely by French people.

The text of the document is equally pretentious. Check this out:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Wait, don’t all these guys own slaves? Yeah, we hold these truths to be self-evident, except for the people we own. Ha ha! It’d be a knee-slapper if it wasn’t so sad. Also, what’s with all the random capitalization? Every other word in this document should be followed with [sic].

Okay, so the rest of it isn’t so bad. It’s actually a pretty funny list of all the shitty things King George III has done, and I would love to see the look on his face when he finally reads it. Maybe then I can finally get all of these troops I’ve had to quarter in my house.

That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do.

I agree we should be able to form our own country, but what’s with “Power to levy War” first as the things we want to do as a free nation. “Whoo! We’re free! What do we do now?” “Let’s invade Canada again!” Damn, these pretentious fathers trying to found a country do everything in their power to piss me off. They’re absolutely right about King George and they annoy me nonstop anyway. What else are they going to do if we actually manage to defeat the British: Begin collecting an income tax! (Okay, okay, that’s too stupid even for them.)

And our mayor. My God! Did you hear he’s already in line for an iPhone? I don’t even know what a phone is!

Update: Oh, yeah, and nobody’s signed it yet, except for John Hancock, whose signature is roughly the size of a small house.