Why The Eagles Will Win The Super Bowl

Every sports fan has a conspiracy theory about his favorite sport. Juiced baseballs. Collegiate referees betting on games and making a killing. Forced steroid injections.

A lot of these theories are bunk, but this one is true: The NFL is rigged. It’s the only major sport that uses radios. Referees have a lot of leeway about what calls to make. People gamble a lot of money on it. Come on, last year’s Super Bowl? No way Eli Manning leads a game-winning drive to beat the 18-0 Patriots. No way.

Now that I’ve given you this mountain of circumstantial evidence (and not even, really), I hope you’ve come to agree. But don’t fret! It’s like pro wrestling: The actors have a lot of leeway, and it’s still pretty fun to watch. And there’s an added bonus: Since the NFL is rigged, this football season has only one logical conclusion.

The Philadelphia Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl.

Think about it: There isn’t a much better story than Andy Reid and the once-benched Donovan McNabb rallying the Eagles to finally win the big one. Even if it’s not the NFL has to be worried about this city embracing the Phillies after winning the World Series. (The NFL saw only two football moments on that 100 years of Phillymag piece and was totally concerned.)

I hope the NFL doesn’t mind my suggestion here for a way to end the regular season. If things fall as they might, the Eagles and Cowboys’ final regular season game could be a “play-in” game for the playoffs. The Eagles would be 9-5-1; Dallas 9-6. The game goes to overtime. Nobody can move the ball… and the game can end with Donovan McNabb kneeling out for the tie that puts the Birds at 9-5-2 and puts them into the playoffs.

The rest is easy: Beating up on a bad division champ in the wild card round, beating the Giants at the Meadowlands again in the divisional round, et cetera. Now that I’ve mentioned it, doesn’t it all just seem to fall into place?

Cook Calls For Man’s Execution During Football Broadcast

When a Philadelphia sports team has a nationally televised game, the broadcast always includes at least one camera shot of Pat’s and Geno’s. (This is either an FCC rule or sports producers are too lazy to come up with new ideas. Hmm, I think it might be the latter.)

CBS obliged during Sunday’s Eagles-Steelers tilt, and what did we see at Geno’s? That’s right: The famed official Daniel Faulkner shirt calling for Mumia Abu-Jamal’s execution. (For more fun, check out the whole selection of tacky gear available on the Daniel Faulkner Online Store. They even co-opted the “Never forget” slogan.)

I’m fairly certain this isn’t the first time I’ve seen this shirt on a football broadcast, at Geno’s. That shirt might even be the uniform. You do have to hand it to the cops (and, um, cheesesteak cooks). There aren’t too many people who are semi-regularly told they should die on national TV. I’m not sure if that bodes well for the Domelights/Geno’s/Michael Smerconish crowd, though: Nobody was all that successful in killing the other guy I can think of who got that kind of treatment (Osama Bin Laden).

Eagles-Cowboys, Tonight!

Oh, it’s on!

The suddenly resurgent Phillies have the night off, and it’s the Eagles who take center stage in our tiny town’s all-too-important sports world as they take on the Cowboys in Dallas tonight.

Be ready to hear a lot about Donovan McNabb versus Terrell Owens tonight. No, really. Like be ready to hear about it nonstop, without fail, until the end of time, because when the Monday Night Football announcers (read: Tony K.) get on a topic, it’s impossible to get them off. It should be an excellent, game, though, and maybe the magic this town had over the weekend will travel down to Texas to give the Eagles a win.

If not, though, it’s probably best to avoid sports talk radio for a while. Actually, that’s a good idea even if the Eagles win.

Temple Football Team Has Winning Record

How about that! Local college football laughingstock Temple opened its season with a 35-7 win over Army, the program’s first opening game win since 2002. (That was a win over Richmond, who is a I-AA school; the year before Temple opened with a win over Navy. The last time Temple opened the season with a win over a team that wasn’t a service academy or a team from a lower division was when the Owls beat Eastern Michigan to open the 1996 season.)

Now that Temple has a winning record for the first time since ‘02, the school is attempting to do the unthinkable: Attract fans to the games! Temple plays a short subway ride away from campus at Lincoln Financial Field, and clearly the planned pre-game pep rallies will give the Owls the moral support for their first winning season since… oh, let’s just say “ever.” (It’s actually 1990.)

La Salle’s traditionally horrible football team, incidentally, remains undefeated this year as well, as the program was dropped.

Update: Here’s more about the game from my buddy Tannenwald; Temple was outgained but still won by 28. Be sure to read the surprisingly somewhat angry comments from Temple alums!

Temple football opens with 35-7 win over Army [Daily News]
Owls hope to fill the Linc this year [Temple News]
La Salle University to drop football [GoExplorers.com]

Terrell Owens Tells Hilarious Jokes

Noted awesome former Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens just signed a brand new contract. He’s going to celebrate by helping new teammate Pacman Jones by telling an off-color joke, to get the heat off him:

Terrell Owens has an idea for keeping his new teammate Adam “Pacman” Jones out of trouble.

Owens, who is being recognized this summer as an Alzheimer’s Association Champion for his work for the foundation, says Jones — who was suspended from the NFL after a series of arrests, including one stemming from a shootout at a Las Vegas strip club — should join him in his charity work.

“I hope we can get him affected by [Alzheimer's] just a little bit so he can forget about those strip clubs,” Owens joked in an interview with ABC News Radio.

Oh, TO. Another one of your hilarious Alzheimer’s jokes. That’s a good way to get people riled up — something you like to do, apparently — and make everyone forget about Pacman Jones’ strip club visits.

Owens Embraces Troubled Teammate ‘Pacman’ [ABC News]

Dead Employees Do Hard Work

Hey, so KPMG audited a bunch of New Jersey school districts. And here are some of the more fun expenses!

• Camden: $380,000: Checks issued for 10 dead employees. District said they were data entry errors and no money was paid; $3 million: The amount of federal grant money the district lost in 2005 after mismanaging the funds, jeopardizing future grants.
• Gloucester City: $1,140: Desk used by a summer employee; bids were sought from other companies, but this was lowest bid; $6,116: Rain jackets for football team; jackets were just one on a list of many items on this appropriation; $14,901: For professional geese removal from athletic fields; this is a year-round health problem on fields and parking lots requiring professional help.
• Pemberton Township: $999: Flowers for Secretaries Week, School Nurses Week, Special Education Week and Teachers Appreciation Day; $1,163: Mahogany desk, chair, bookcase, umbrella stand for elementary school curriculum supervisor; desk was actually steel but colored mahogany, and was a reasonable expense from state-contracted business for furniture set.

Man, I want a mahogany-colored steel desk! I could sit at it in my rain jacket and shoo geese away all day while paying dead employees to blog for me.

Flowers, catering, goose chase among flagged expenses [Camden Courier-Post]

Look, Another Ex-Philly Person Went Nuts

Hey, so ex-Eagles wideout Donte Stallworth is all wacky and stuff with his alter-ego Nico! He caught a long pass in Saturday’s divisional win over Jacksonville, but was caught from behind.

But no one was harder on Stallworth than himself. Immediately after Mathis made the tackle, Stallworth pounded the ground and then started punching his legs as if they were defective. Stallworth said that was punishment from his alter ego, Nicco, whom Stallworth has described as an extra terrestrial being that resides on Mars when the receiver is off the field.

“Yeah, that was him,” Stallworth said. “That wasn’t me.”

Ho, ho! And people (uh, like me, but whatevs) make fun of Darren Daulton?

Read Error: News. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Ahh, yes, with that cutting edge reference from 1994 in the title, I’m telling you the news has apparently shut down in advance of the holiday. It left two of it’s prongs on autopilot: travel and shopping. Those two stories will be the only news taking place until Monday or so (Sunday if we’re lucky!) and so I figured it was time for me to call it a day.

Posts on Friday? Almost certainly, just so those in cubicles don’t rise up in bloody revolt. (I’m doing my effort on the homefront for the war. Are you?)

Have a happy Football/Food Day tomorrow.

Terrell Owens Repeats Sentences From 2 Years Ago

In an interview in last week’s issue of Time, Terrell Owens not only noted he likes Donovan McNabb, says “Get yo popcorn ready” and shares the same favorite TV channel as my mother (HGTV, no lie) but also decided to answer the same exact question that got him into trouble two years ago.

If you could choose any quarterback in the NFL to be the No. 1 in Dallas, who would it be and why? Patrick McLeod, PANAMA CITY

Man, that’s a tricky question. I don’t want to cause trouble … O.K., I would say Peyton Manning, then Donovan McNabb. Peyton has history on his side, with his dad being a quarterback, and you can’t say enough about how studious he is in the film room.

What? No mention of the gunslinger, Brett Favre? This hasn’t spun out of control like the last time Terrell Owens opened his mouth about what QB from another team he’d like to be under center for his squad, but this guy seems to have the right idea: “I don’t care about T.O. Trust me. What I do want is the pot to be stirred in Dallas.”

Since it was already in freaking Time, I don’t think I can help push it along much, but, hey, consider this my contribution. When the Eagles beat Dallas twice again this year, you can thank me.

10 Questions for Terrell Owens [Time]
T.O. story from PFT [Igglephans]

Comcast Rolls Out The Astroturf

We all know that sports leagues don’t want anything bad said about them on television. And the TV channels that broadcast the games usually oblige — witness the aborted question about Bud Selig to Barry Bonds during the MLB All-Star Game. But leagues are beginning to start their own channels — NBA TV, NFL Network, Major Indoor Soccer League TV — and the colleges are getting into it, too.

As such, the Big Ten Network has been in a public “feud” with local media giant Comcast for the past few months. The BTN wants its channel to be a basic cable channel, because I really need to see Ohio State indoor track (which they probably won’t show anyway). Comcast doesn’t want to put the Big Ten Network on basic cable, because the company is interested in keeping costs down for its customers. (I don’t even need to put “Ha ha, just kidding!” after that last sentence.)

Comcast, as such, apparently hired a media company to astroturf lobby for it. Posts similar to this one started showing up on messageboards about Big Ten schools from posters who had just registered:

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