Pity The Poor Phillies Beat Writer

It’s not the best year to be a Phillies beat writer, no matter what you might think. First, the Phils are all the way into the World Series, forcing everyone to work even longer. And, once the World Series comes to Philadelphia for Game 3 (Oct. 25), they have to eat at the Citizens Bank Park press cafeteria! This is going to make Marcus Hayes even angrier.

If you click through to the press kitchen inspection page, you’ll see that one of the critical violations is “5-04.2 (A): Approved sneeze guards not provided.” For shame! What if Ken Mandel sneezes and Randy Miller and Scott Lauber are behind him in line? And Todd Zolecki and David Murphy see it and tell everyone? Oh, John Finger and Dennis Deitch sure would have a field day laughing at that.

Former Eagles owner Leonard Tose used to feed the press well, in the theory that they’d write nicer things if they were full. Another theory comes from Rob via IM: “Do you know what that means? Aramark is being super clean but the writers are all fucking slobs.” It is an inspection of the press kitchen, I believe, but his theory is at the minimum sound in principle.

19148 [Everyblock]
Thanks, John

What Are These So-Called ‘Cheese’ Fries?

PW’s Alli Katz noticed the strange culinary taste of a New York Times reporter, who is apparently mystified by these “pizza pies” as well:

Question to our Keystone State readers: What is it with this Pennsylvania fetish for bizarre world food combinations? In Johnstown, this New Yorker encountered the artery-clogging prospect of cheese-fries.

Cheese fries! I’m about the pickiest eater there is (natch) and even I don’t think cheese fries are all that strange of a food. Does the NYT’s Michael Powell know that some people eat cow tongue?

Update: Wait a sec. “And in Philadelphia, my college son Nick tells me they serve up a sandwich called the Roethlisberger, named after the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback[.]” That doesn’t make any sense. Where do they serve the Roethlisberger in Philadelphia?

NYT Reporter Mystified By Cheese Fries [Independence Brawl]

Your Editor Remains Unloved

In case you didn’t know, I’m kind of a picky eater. I don’t like much food, and I’ve always been mystified as to why that offends people so much.

It’s so stupid of me that I didn’t think of the answer sooner: People are idiots!

Judging from postings at food Web sites like chowhound.com and slashfood.com, people seem more willing to date those who restrict their diet for health or religion rather than mere dislike.

Typical sentiments included: “Medical and religious issues I can work around as long as the person is sincere and consistent, but flaky, picky cheaters — no way” and “picky eaters are remarkably unsexy.”

Oh, wah wah wah. So if I don’t eat Chinese food because God forbid me to, it’s okay. If I do it because I find Chinese food disgusting, I’m “unsexy.” Even though the former is the one where you’re going to hell for eating food my God forbids.

Whoa, I just tried to rationalize how people think. Forget it, I’m going to get a PB&J sandwich.

I Love You, but You Love Meat [NYT via FooBooz]
Wet, the Appetite [PW]

Penn Adds Responsibility Pledges To Food Fight

There’s an annual tradition at Penn where juniors “officially” become seniors after wearing red shirts, biting pieces off of styrofoam hats and carrying around canes. In recent years, the juniors were being pelted by shaving cream, eggs, ketchup and other condiments.

Much pointless controversy ensued, and Penn threatened to shut down the tradition, Hey Day, if people didn’t straighten up and fly right. Well, we apparently now have closure! Penn has fixed the event by making sure everyone can have fun in a safe, university-approved manner:

After lengthy negotiations this year, administrators and students agreed in February to give seniors “safe and celebratory items” to throw — likely marshmallows and streamers — and to ask them to sign “responsibility pledges” to ensure the festivities don’t get out of hand.

Penn’s then going to surround the campus in bubble wrap, just in case.

Marshmallow compromise saves Penn ritual [AP/Yahoo!]
Editor’s note: No, I couldn’t top this headline.

Orange You Glad This Woman Was Suspended?

Know what’s great about being a student in the Philadelphia public school system? No, it’s not the classes, or the teachers, or the schools named after such luminaries as Thomas Edison and George Washington.

The real reason it’s great to be in the Philadelphia public school system is if a food service worker throws out a crate of oranges because they’re brown, white and covered with green spots, the principal of the school will pull them out of the dumpster and feed them to children. Then the food service worker will be suspended and transferred to another school. Allegedly, at least.

Yes, 18-year district veteran Loretta Allen said she threw out the crate of oranges — and three more crates just like it — after seeing what terrible shape they were in. But the school district said she just didn’t want to cut up the 500 oranges for the students, because, well, after 18 years sometimes you just get mad as hell and don’t want to take it anymore.

Of course, the school district admitted that some of them might have been white and green and brown, but that not all of them were, and so throwing them all away was just simply unacceptable, as it’s a school district policy to make the children eat green oranges or something.

The worker’s only real mistake, her union says, was not calling her supervisor before she threw out the oranges. But the district didn’t agree, and she’s been suspended for three days and transferred from her West Kensington elementary school to Shallcross, a disciplinary school.

There, she’ll feed the children bottlecaps and bolts:

Allen said she also had become increasingly concerned about the quality of the food and had reported to superiors on a few occasions in the past about items - including bottle caps, screws and bolts - found in large containers of food.

Discarding oranges gets school worker in trouble [Inquirer]

Soft, Tender Fumo: $2.99 A Pound

Seems everyone has an opinion on State Sen. Vince Fumo’s indictment. (That’s him with notedHepatitis B research mascot Oliver in the photo at right, by the way.) Well, I’m sure that’s not true. In fact, it doesn’t even sound like that. But like most journalists, I’m too lazy to fix the lead. And I’ve even used this same lazy lead joke before, making it doubly worse.

Er, anyway, so remember back when Justice Antonin Scalia gave an obscene gesture to a reporter and said “Fuck you” in Italian? Eh, no, you probably don’t. But you might remember Joe Bubbles, who the Inquirer interviewed as part of an article about what people in South Philly thought about it.

Well, it’s been almost a year since that article, and so the Inquirer decided to send Alfred Lubrano to South Philly to do some man-on-the-street interviews to find out what people south of Washington Avenue think about Fumo’s indictment.

The people of South Philly are divided on the issue, as such, but a trip to the Melrose Diner (natch) led to this flowery writing:

During lunch at the Melrose Diner, prime rib and eggplant were the specials, but at least one customer at the counter was chewing on Fumo, savoring the taste of a man who might be cooked.

When reading a food metaphor, I always wonder if the writer was just hungry.

In South Philadelphia, fans and foes weigh Fumo’s fall [Inquirer]
March 31, 2006: Meet Joe Bubbles

Warren Sapp Unveils Local Food Industry’s Nefarious Plot To Lose Back-To-Back Home NFC Championship Games

Warren Sapp, the defensive lineman the Eagles passed on for Mike Mamula, doesn’t eat out on road trips. Is he trying to slim down from his current approximate weight of seven school buses? Is he just a picky eater?

No, of course not. Sapp doesn’t eat out on road trips because he’s convinced waiters on the road poison his food to help the local football team win. He even booked two hotel rooms, one under an alias, so he could get his room service without worrying about it.

One of those times he said he was poisoned was, of course, the 2002 NFC Championship Game. (Which, uh, the Buccaneers won, 27-10.) “I know it’s real, especially in Philly, come on,” Sapp said.

Come on, indeed. And how is he sure of this? Why, an incident a month after the NFC Championship:

For example, Sapp said that about a month after the Bucs won the Super Bowl, he and a friend traveled from Philadelphia to New York to watch Michael Jordan in his retirement tour at Madison Square Garden. First, they had dinner in Philadelphia, trading plates at the restaurant after their orders came. Then, Sapp said, his friend repeatedly threw up all the way to New York.

I haven’t been able to find a Warren Sapp sighting in any old stories from the Daily News‘ Dan Gross, so if anyone knows what restaurant this incident allegedly happened at, send it over.

But I don’t really know if I follow his reasoning here. You’d think if local restaurateurs had a plot to poison other teams’ food during road trips, the Eagles would have won more than just one of their three straight home NFC Championships. Right?

Sapp insists food was tampered with on road trips [AP/ESPN.com]
Washed-up NFL player accuses Philadelphia of poisoning his food, back when, you know, there was a chance he could actually impact the game [The Illadelph]

Breaking: Foo Fighter Gets Off

A judge ruled today that Susanna Foo won’t face charges stemming from an incident in late September where Foo allegedly hit a meter maid who ticketed a delivery truck outside her Center City restaurant.

Foo is entering a a six-month probationary program. She’ll also give cooking lessons as community service. (Aww, isn’t that nice!) Sez lawyer-to-the-stars Richard Sprague:

“She is innocent of what she was accused of. The end result is the case is being withdrawn. It is being dismissed. If I was representing any of you and you had charges against you, instead of having go to trial and having all the delays and uncertainties, and knew the case was being dropped, I think all of you would agree that is a good deal.”

But it’s not over! Foo is now considering action against the Parking Authority and the meter maid who said she was punched by the restaurateur. But of course: This is Philadelphia, after all.

No Assault Trial for Phila. Restaurateur Susanna Foo [KYW 1060]
Archives: Susanna Foo

Leftovers: Crab Cake King Confirms Crab Cake Love

• Bobby Chez, the “crab cake king of New Jersey,” was found guilty of violating township zoning laws and damaging his neighbors property, etc. His quote: “I’m numb. It’s unbelievable. I want to go on with my life and just make crab cakes.” Well, duh, you’re the crab cake king of New Jersey. [Camden Courier-Post]

• City Council investigates as to whether our city’s restaurants are clean. And, uh, no. (What were you expecting?) Let’s see if they do something about it. [KYW 1060]

• Kobe Bryant is being sued again, only this time we’re allowed to laugh at it. Phew! Bill Geeslan is suing Bryant for $75,000 for allegedly elbowing him at courtside. Hey, Geeslan should feel lucky he got off easy. [L.A. Times]

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

I’m voting for… Seuch… sch… uhh, that food place.