Fear & Loathing: Inter-Store One-Act Play

Fear & Loathing in Franklin Mills is America’s number one series on class in America. Hi. Dan here. I was recently informed that the puppy store at Franklin Mills has closed. (It may have closed a long time ago, I haven’t been there in almost a year.) This is good (because you shouldn’t buy dogs at a pet store, for ethical/economic reasons) but also bad (because puppies, even those in pet stores, are cute).

This is also bad for the anonymous author of the critically-acclaimed series that I occasionally remember to run, Fear & Loathing in Franklin Mills. She can no longer look at cute puppies on her breaks. I think the puppy store at Neshaminy is still there, but they’re separated and you can’t get up close. Lame.

Anyway, the following story has nothing to do with puppies.

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Fear & Loathing: Stereotyping

Each week, a PW staffer — who shall remain nameless, for many obvious reasons — shares her tales of working at Northeast Philadelphia’s shopping mecca, Franklin Mills.

Many of you commented on last week’s entry in the F-Mills saga, declaring that “Alan Shepard” was not the correct answer to the first man in space. Whoops! I had a conversation with [redacted] about it, and my feeling was that, although the answer was incorrect, the question was probably actually asking the name of the first American in space.

I mean, do American high school students really need to know that Baryshnikov was the first man in space?

Right. (You know, I don’t really see how knowing either is really all that important for graduating from high school, but I went to a fancy-pants all-boys prep school, so la dee dah.) But if that girl doesn’t pass the GED, whoops: The college graduates fail again. If you didn’t notice, the two major political parties ran candidates who went to freaking Yale last election, and look where that got us.

Anyway, our anonymous correspondent’s trials of working at America’s mile-long (or whatever) mall begin after the jump.

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Fear & Loathing: A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Use

On occasional Fridays, a nameless — for obvious reasons — PW staffer writes about her experiences working at Pennsylvania’s number one location for sneakers and slow walkers, Franklin Mills. This week, it’s all about education.

As a general rule, I try not to judge my coworkers for their lack of education. (Because, honestly, there’s so much more to judge them for: Their sexual misconduct, the way they mispronounce the names of commonly known restaurants such as Buddakan, the fact that they think “Franklin Mills” is an actual township within Philadelphia.) School isn’t for everyone. Case in point: the assistant manager at my store.

A few weeks ago, she decided that she was going to get her GED through mail. I am totally unfamiliar with this process, so I thought she was joking when she told me that she had to complete a bunch of multiple-choice questions in books and then mail the books back. She wasn’t kidding. It’s seriously that easy.

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Fear & Loathing: Questions And Answers

After a one-week break, it returns! Each Friday, a PW intern who would — for obvious reasons — like to remain nameless, shares her experiences working at Franklin Mills.

I get a lot of weird questions while working in the lingerie store. Do you sell sticky tits? Where can I get spanks? Does this bra make my boobs look saggy? (This question is admittedly not all that bizarre, but imagine the person asking you this is a 300-pound chick with gold teeth wearing a bra two sizes too small and you’ll see where I’m coming from.)

A few Saturdays ago, I was standing in the very back of the store – straightening a pile of XXXL crotchless panties – when a woman bursts through the doorway and screams, “Do you guys sell butt-enhancing panties?”

“Nope. Sorry about that,” I respond without even looking up.

The woman, clearly on a relentless mission for underwear with ass pads, marches over to where I’m working. I immediately notice that she is not the sort of woman that should be shopping for products to enhance any part of her body.

She stands in front of me, silent for a second, and I watch as she looks me up and down, her eyes moving from my toes to the top of my head and back down in one quick motion.

“Where do you get yours?”

I smile at the ridiculousness of this question and tell her that I’m not wearing any.

“No. Shit,” she says incredulously and walks away shaking her head.

I still haven’t decided whether to be really insulted or really flattered.

Fear & Loathing: The Mile-Long Club

Each Friday, a PW intern who would — for obvious reasons — like to remain nameless, shares her experiences working at Franklin Mills.

This week, I spent 45 minutes listening to my coworker have phone sex with her imprisoned boyfriend (as opposed to her live-in boyfriend, her baby’s daddy and the girlfriend that she “platonically” makes out with every weekend).

After one-handed sexcapades weren’t enough to satisfy her boo, she put the horny little prisoner on speaker phone so that she could use both hands to feel herself up – in the middle of the store. I can only assume that this was per his request. (I would also assume that this sort of thing would unnerve most customers, but since Franklin Mills is riddled with debauchery, people passed by without so much as a second glance toward the salesgirl moaning in the middle of the mall.)

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