Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: It’s a profile of a man with this part-time job: Making t-shirts in memory of police officers killed in the line of duty. Oof, not the most fun thing in the world.

Elmer Smith: And here’s another column about the police officer who died late last week. The kid was only 25 and had a pregnant wife; very sad.

Fatimah Ali: And, hey, a domestic violence column! Boy, it’s a trifecta of fun today. Fatimah Ali doesn’t even really write anything hilarious today, even, though she does plug her own forthcoming memoir and mention a book called, “How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved.”

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Is there a more boring story on news programs than “woman has lots of babies”? Anyway, this column is headlined, “Who to blame for octuplets?”

Ronnie Polaneczky: Oh, look, it’s a column quoting the dictionary definition of the word sacrifice. Sorry I’m not going to spend much time on the other two columns today because Fatimah Ali is next, and she’s calling for the assassination of Rush Limbaugh.

Fatimah Ali: I have to admit, this is a hell of an attention-grabbing lead:

THERE IS truly only one way to silence Rush Limbaugh.

Take him out.

I’m willing to bet that second line is not an Offspring quote.

But before you call the cops and accuse me of putting out a hit on America’s favorite angry conservative, let me explain.

I predict this explanation will be thoughtful and convincing.

The fact that anyone as mean-spirited as Limbaugh will reportedly earn nearly $400 million over the next eight years as he continues to spread his venom should give every American pause. It says volumes about his employer, Clear Channel, which just months ago signed him to a $38 million-a-year deal, then chose Inauguration Day to fire 1,850 of his colleagues.

Yes, that sucks for those employees, but this is American capitalism. You can’t just go put a hit out on everyone you don’t like on the radio. And if you’re going to put a hit out on annoying radio hosts, you start with WIP.

Ali then does a summary of the evils of Clear Channel. And then:

So when I say take him out, I’m not suggesting that we send a hit man to find Limbaugh (I actually think he’ll burn himself out).

Is she predicting Rush Limbaugh will shoot himself like Kurt Cobain? (”It’s better to burn out than to fade away,” etc.) That’s the only real explanation. She’s not suggesting someone kill Limbaugh because he’ll burn himself out (and kill himself). Yeesh, pretty harsh.

I’m actually talking about dollars and cents. The only way that anyone as mean-spirited as Limbaugh is has managed to stay on the air for two decades is that he’s making a lot of money for his bosses.

So the way to silence him is to stop listening and boycott his sponsors. If they go, so does he.

I now expect Rush Limbaugh to live forever.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Some guy had a sign at a rally outside the Israeli consulate that equated the Star of David with a Nazi swastika. Ha ha, get it? Anyway, apparently he didn’t know the swastika was an evil symbol and threw the sign away or whatever.

I’m tempted to say that what happened next could have happened only in Philly, where our Quaker-bred approach to conflict resolution can, at its best, defuse the most potentially explosive confrontations.

But then I’d have to admit that the incident itself could have happened only in Philly, where our cultural insularity can, at its worst, create conflicts that wouldn’t have been created if we’d known better.

Yeah, Jews and Muslims don’t really have tensions elsewhere.

By the way, did you guys see that one Mummers group where the guy held up his hardhat with a Confederate flag on it? Yeah, me too.

Elmer Smith: Hey, a prediction column. Only it’s also making points, you see. And he mentions ending the Cuban embargo, yay!

John Baer: New legislature members are sworn in today. And, look, they’re proposing new taxes on smokeless tobacco and cigars. While admitting I haven’t looked into it, let’s pontificate here: Taxes on smokeless tobacco, cigars, etc., should probably be lower than ones on cigarettes; they demonstrably do less harm since people who use them usually smoke less. Anyway, whatever, in this case the state is putting an extra tax on cigars and the like, which sucks for cigar smokers but not for me. And it’s probably better than raising taxes on cigarettes again, because (wild guess, could be wrong) cigarette smokers would tend to be poorer than people who chew or dip or smoke cigars. Ew, I always forget there are more disgusting ways of using tobacco than cigars.

Where was I? Oh, right, the legislature. Rendell doesn’t want a broad tax increase, but he’s all for making the cigar smokers pay through the roof! By the way, a comment on that York Daily Record story linked above, by “Black Insane Omama”: “Cut welfare benefits. Make the brothers and sisthas work for once.” No matter what the story is on the Internet, somebody will post something racist after it.

Fatimah Ali: Oh, man, it’s a Fatimah Ali column bemoaning the destruction of the family that encourages people to “Get straight with God.” Right. Anyway, this column is kind of awesome:

President-elect Obama faces incredibly high expectations when he takes office on Jan. 20, and I’m relieved that he’s making the bleak economy his No. 1 priority because that focus is long overdue.

He’s also setting a fine example for the rest of the nation with how he conducts himself as a husband and a father. One of the many things that helped him win election was his intolerance for drama, which earned him the nickname “No Drama Obama.” I’m certain his philosophy also applies to his family, which appears to be harmonious, well-run and disciplined.

How can I even comment on this, or summarize it? Who sees Obama and wonders if he makes his kids take a time out when they misbehave?

OBAMA, himself the child of a single-parent household, caught a lot of flak when he called on black fathers to take more responsibility for their children.

OBAMA? I love that it’s all capital letters. Barack Obama should start using just that as his name. Also: Did he really take flak? I have to imagine the next president wouldn’t be risking too much criticism when asking people to take more responsibility (especially if it’s for children!).

This column also recommends a book by Rev. Run.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Fatimah Ali: Ali’s partner of 16 years has colon cancer; I wish them both a speedy recovery.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: No politician wants to deal with angry property owners whose taxes were raised.

John Baer: Everyone* in the legislature is forgoing a cost-of-living-increase this year in an attempt to placate angry, poor constituents.

*Not everyone.

Fatimah Ali: AMERICA IS DOOMED, I TELL YOU. DOOMED!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Hey, we’re back to the “no casinos at all!” movement, apparently. I’m excited. It means we’re going to get some more awesome rhetoric like this:

Have you ever seen the rhetoric that goes around the gambling prohibition? You know what it is. Look, we have had a good time. We have been together yesterday, we have been together today, I have known a lot of you guys for ages. How about after the talk, we have a minute or two, let’s go on up to your room and we will play a little nickel, dime, quarter poker. Want to play some poker this afternoon? Why not? It’s a nice thing to do.

Would we be outraged if the California State Police came barreling through the door and arrested us for violation of California’s prohibition on gambling? Of course we would. Because, who is not supposed to gamble? Oh, you know who is not supposed to gamble — them poor people, that’s who. My God, they will spend the milk money. They don’t know how to control it. They can’t handle it. But us? We know what we are doing.

I’d suggest reading that whole essay linked above if you’re one of those unfortunate enough to be working today. (I’ve linked this thing about 5 times so far; I’ll probably finally shut up about it if you do read it.)

Ronnie Polaneczky: Oh! This is about the nice woman who works the gate at Franklin Field. Fun column. But check out this little note about Penn senior Ricky Choi: He “has launched his own clothing line of lacrosse wear.” Impressive. Only a Penn lacrosse player, no?

Fatimah Ali: Hey, Fatimah Ali! It’s been since Oct. 28, though there’s the very real change I simply have missed her columns before now. Hope everything is going well. Anyway, she is super angry at Mayor Nutter:

I believed his promise that Philadelphia would see a new day, although I must’ve missed exactly what kind of new day he meant. Looking back, I realize that I was too naïve.

But that’s not all!

Crooks could use some restraint and cut down on the city’s criminal-justice burden. People who litter could up their standards and not drop their trash on the streets. Safe and clean streets attract more city dwellers and can help regain the tax base that’s eroded over recent decades. Maybe we can even attract some big corporations to set down roots here and create more jobs.

“Hey, guys, could you cut down on the thievin’? Times are tough right now. Give us a couple of months.” And whenever you drop that bag of chips on the ground instead of in a trash can, you are preventing another big company from coming to Center City.

Christine Flowers: A four-page poem about how the Eagles stink! A parody of The Raven, even. Isn’t that more of a Halloween-style poem?

And, as you know, the Eagles won 48-20 last night. Fitting.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Boy, politicians sure are greedy!

Elmer Smith: Oh, yeah, there are a couple of wars the next president will inherit, I wonder if either of them has a plan for what to do in them.

Fatimah Ali: It’s Fatimah! She says that John McCain forgot a name mid-sentence, and so he shouldn’t be president of the United States. Eh, whatever.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: “A NEW GALLUP poll shows that 91 percent of Americans are dissatisfied with where the country is going. That means 9 percent think we’re doing fine.” But what about undecideds?!

Elmer Smith: “As a Navy combat pilot, [John McCain] was probably shocked and saddened by damage reports that revealed the unintended consequences of some of his missions.” This was the first positive thing I read about John McCain in weeks, until I realized it said “probably” and as such was essentially made up.

John Baer: Oh, apparently Obama won the election already.

Fatimah Ali: “I CRIED buckets when I realized that a prior commitment would prevent me from going to the rally for Barack Obama in Vernon Park in Germantown on Saturday.” These are your Daily News columnists, people.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Fatimah Ali: This is a letter to grade schoolers, who as we all know are devoted readers of the Daily News.

Elmer Smith: Wow, the candidates don’t care about the poor, who knew?

Ronnie Polaneczky: Fine story and all, but what a weird way to pick a career:

Houser had always thought about police work as a career, but the desire gelled 18 months ago when he and two friends were robbed in Fishtown while skateboarding. “The cop who helped us was totally competent, professional and friendly,” he says.

He handled himself so well that Houser thought, “That’s the job I want.”

The Philly PD should start putting that on the sides of their cars. “Totally competent!”

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Fatimah Ali: Aww, it’s so cute how people still read Drudge Report, probably while listening to the Spice Girls. Everyone’s favorite columnist was linked on Drudge recently and got a bunch of racist responses from people on the Internet. Then wrote a column complaining about it. The most impressive thing, though, is she somehow got the Daily News to print all of this.

Update: Thanks to Chrissmari for noticing the best line of this column; I read over it even though I peruse these Daily News columns ’til they’re summarized as succinctly and accurately as possible.

I hate violence, but I do see a growing wave of intolerance sweeping the nation. And most of the responses were hostile, like one from someone who identified himself as Dennis Van Pelt: “Obama runs like a porch monkey in Alabama during a KKK concert.” But, not all white Southerners feel like Dennis. Russ Nelson wrote: “I am a white male who was proud to cast my vote for Barack Obama in the Alabama state primary. He inspires me!”

Nelson sounds more like the liberal whites I grew up with in West Mount Airy, a community that pioneered integration in Philadelphia and kept me wearing rose-colored glasses. I didn’t personally experience racism until I was 40, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

This is way less accurate than any comment about a race war if Obama loses.

Elmer Smith: Oh, look, it’s about the SEPTA subway attack and the second-straight poll from that magazine that may or may not actually exist that ranks Philadelphia last in attractiveness among 25 cities.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Somebody got robbed, the cops responded to two burglar alarms but nobody was ever caught. Hey, shoulda put up a note instead of telling the newspaper.