‘Bulletin’ Columnist: I Hate Bundles Of Sticks

Most columnists used the Ann Coulter situation — where she called John Edwards a faggot (har de har har!) — to call her an idiot, then pat themselves on the back for bashing a provocative political commentator for doing her shtick.

But not Ed Kelley in The Bulletin. No, Kelley wrote what is, by far, the best column ever written. And, by best, I mean, of course, worst. (And best for me, since I can make fun of it.)

I’m going to parse it after the jump, but you can get a preview too.

Unlike some “experts” who claim pedophilia and homosexual behavior are different things altogether, it looks like the Pope has figured out the connection.

In his papal laboratory, clearly. Follow me after the jump for a discussion of… wow, just wow.

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Punch-Connecting Columnist Offers Strong Words

I really couldn’t do justice if I introduced Evening Bulletin columnist Chris Freind, who pens the “Freindly FIre” (ho ho) column for the paper. So let’s have him do it himself:

After sifting through hundreds of readers’ e-mails offering wide-ranging comments on several of my recent columns, it occurred to me that most readers don’t have the foggiest notion about the columnists themselves, just a set of his opinions. Accordingly, in order for there to be a truly symbiotic relationship between columnist and reader, I thought it would behoove said columnist to elaborate on his background and, ultimately, how he arrives at his opinions and commentary.

Given my outspoken nature and the fact that I pull no punches, there are many sentiments which I receive, some complimentary, some disagreeable, others vitriolic and some absolutely unprintable.

Yes, he’s the Bulletin columnist who’s just so popular he needs to introduce himself well after his column began running! (Introduction columns are usually pretty horrid to begin with, but usually columnists have the common courtesy to get it out of the way first.)

More comments of an outspoken nature after the jump.

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‘Bulletin’: We’re All Doomed

Man Has Fallen Out Of Harmony Of Goodness [Bulletin]

‘Bulletin’: Pennsylvanians Don’t Even Want Health Care

When Ed Rendell announced his initiative to offer healthcare for everyone in Pennsylvania, I was wondering how The Bulletin was going to spin it. Obviously, the paper would be against it, because it might make taxes higher or help poor sick kids or whatever. But how would they spin it so that they, the conservatives, weren’t being callous?

Why, by calling him a socialist and saying that, in reality, Pennsylvanians don’t want health care!

In is a fact, however, that hundreds of thousands of Pennsylvania are without health insurance, and some percentage of that group is without through their own choices or volition.

Dissecting Rendell’s ‘Eddycare’ [The Bulletin]

Listen To Herb Two, Three, Four Times A Day

You might be wondering what’s happened to Herb Denenberg, consumer/anything advice columnist for The Evening Bulletin. He’s still plowing away at the Bulletin, an impressive five days a week, with his diatribes about the mainstream media, doctors and how squirrels get into attics.

But in addition to that, he’s become a Bulletin promoting machine on KYW 1060.

Now just wait until Fox sues them for using “fair and balanced.”

Archives: Herb Denenberg

Leftovers: The Morning Bulletin

• Yeah, yeah, I’ve seen it: The Evening Bulletin has changed its flag to The Bulletin (at right), since it hasn’t been an afternoon paper for about a year or so now. Yep.

• SEPTA riders have been spared a fare increase — well, until next July 1, when massive fare hikes and service cuts are sure to take place. But, hey, that’s, like, a few months away. We’ll worry about it then. [Inquirer]

• I’ve been trying to write something about the New River City project all day, but… it’s just too depressing. Shadows! Oh no! Anyway, choose your flavor of news story: Daily News or Inquirer.

• In case you needed some more Allen Iverson rumors, here’s one to the Knicks. [The FanHouse]

Yes, But Will Organized Labor Still Change Forever?

The Evening Bulletin ran an editorial — I assume — today about the newspaper strike. Here it is, in full:

Social change is not linear. Although we like to think of history as a gradual progression, real change happens in dramatic shifts, or “tipping points”. The pending strike by editorial employees at the Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News marks one of these momentous changes. As we go to press, the editorial employees at the Inquirer are preparing to strike. The unions representing the majority of employees, who actually print and deliver the newspapers, had reached tentative agreements with management and stated “We think a strike is really going to hurt us. We’re going to go to work,” even going so far as to say they would cross picket lines. Say it any way you want, the history of organized labor in the newspaper business just changed.

Strikes are an imperfect mechanism for resolving labor disputes. But then, unions themselves have been in the process of engineering their own demise for decades. Having devolved from their original role of protecting the collective well-being of their members, they now most closely resemble the classic communist state on the edge of collapse. Inherent inefficiencies have made this end inevitable from the beginning. One way or another, a rational model for the industry will emerge.

Yep, say it any way you want, the history of organized labor in the newspaper business just changed. Except that, well, it didn’t. Looks like Soviet Russia’s still alive and well!

Newspaper Industry Will Change Forever [The Evening Bulletin via promohthree]

Leftovers: McNabb To Return In Next [x] Months

• Donovan McNabb underwent surgery for his torn ACL yesterday, and here’s the Associated Press’ lead: “Donovan McNabb could miss as much as a year or could be ready for the 2007 season opener after having surgery yesterday to repair a torn knee ligament.” Or, perhaps, he could die from complications, or return tomorrow and lead the Eagles to the Super Bowl. [AP/Toronto Star]

• And another awesome AP lead, from Bethlehem, Pa.: “A man serving life without parole for stabbing his neighbor more than 80 times with a samurai sword and setting the victim’s clothes on fire was awarded $1 by a federal jury that ruled five of the officers arresting him used excessive force.” [AP/Philly.com]

• Good news: There are lots of flu vaccines this year. Bad news: There are so many, there will probably be a shortage next year. Aye. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• And the Philly Future comment of the century: “Oh… the ‘papers’ are going on strike? Thank God for the Evening Bulletin!” [Philly Future]

Dalí Exhibit A Rousing Success!

So that King Tut exhibit should be getting an article around this time next year.

Update: In a similar fashion, here’s a story from Action News about Head-On that was on the website’s front page. Come on, people.

Debating The Ethics Of ‘Body Worlds’ [The Evening Bulletin]
Tutankhamun And The Golden Age Of The Pharaohs [Franklin Institute]

Answer To Energy Crisis Blowin’ In The Wind

Never let anybody tell you that the city’s conservative broadsheet doesn’t care about the environment. Yes, the Evening Bulletin has a thoughtful piece today on urban windmills, small ones, that could power your whole home.

Does the Bulletin speak about the plight of the energy companies? No! Writer Josh Meyer writes, “Utilities will complain about alternative energies, but they have an enormous infrastructure to support. If people start making their own energy, we no longer have the need for long power lines and subsidized energy plants.” Oh snap!

Although Philadelphia doesn’t have the level of wind economically viable to produce giant windmills, smaller windmills, Meyer says, could revolutionize the home and power the city!

Locally produced electricity could reach its destination within a few feet. If the resident isn’t home, most likely someone in the neighborhood will make use of that energy.

Microprocessors and chips are getting cheaper by the day. In the next couple of years, we are going to see an explosion in “Smart Homes,” or houses that have a central computer monitoring everything from cooking times to lights to heating and air conditioning units. These systems can be connected to the internet so that you can make sure that you didn’t leave the curling iron on from your office over the Internet.

Of all the benefits modern technology has brought us — the ability to have a job doing this, for example — I think the ability to check if I left the curling iron on is by far the greatest. Sign me up for some o’ this windmill power!

Where Is The Wind In This City? [Bulletin]