ESPN Still Upset About Non-Manny/Sox Series

It’s been about a week since the Phillies roared into the playoffs with a 4-1 series win, but ESPN can’t stop talking about (who else?) Manny Ramirez. A relevant chap to mention during this World Series contest he is not involved in! No, really. Check out Tim Kurkjian’s first paragraph to his World Series preview:

It’s not the Red Sox-Dodgers. There’s no story that has the sex appeal of Manny Ramirez returning to Boston. The matchup will be a ratings disaster, most say. But there’s no denying that the Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies are the best teams from their leagues, and they belong in the World Series. It will be fun to see new, young faces in new places. Get your cowbells and white hankies ready. It’s going to be wild.

What a great, absolutely nonsensical opening. It’s not the matchup that everyone wants to see, and nobody will watch it, but the two best teams are meeting in the World Series this year. Also, I must have missed that “Most say World Series to be ratings disaster, worse than ‘McEnroe’” story in the paper this morning.

And, yes, apparently this series is going to be great because of “new, young faces” and “cowbells and white hankies.” Despite having who he writes are the best two teams in baseball, apparently.

Manny Being Philly?

Every year, Manny Ramirez says he’s tired of playing for the Boston Red Sox, and every year the hometown TV station of the Sox (ESPN) treats it as if the Holy Ghost were divorcing God and Jesus.

It took a while for things to get rolling this year, but now we’re in full Manny-leaving-the-Red Sox watch. This year, as usual, all the reporters say this is the year the Sox will finally trade Ramirez. SI.com’s Jon Heyman reports it’s down to the Phillies and the Marlins in the Man-Ram trade sweepstakes.

The Phillies have downplayed the possibility of acquiring Ramirez in media reports but haven’t ruled it out entirely. If outfielder Pat Burrell isn’t involved in the trade, one question would be whether Ramirez or Burrell could play right field for Philadelphia.

An early version of the story suggested the Phils could swap Burrell for Ramirez, straight-up, free agent-to-be for free agent-to-be. (Ramirez has two option years left on his contract, but Heyman writes he would likely want those to be dropped if he were to be traded.) Seems like a strange idea — and one that could backfire. A trade making the Phillies’ outfield the worst defensive OF in history but a lineup of Rollins-Utley-Howard-Ramirez-Burrell would be absolutely outofsight.

In closing: Ramirez won’t be traded (as usual).

Update: Ken Rosenthal with the hilarious trade:

The Phillies might take Ramirez, major-league sources say, but only if the deal were a “giveaway” — say, outfielder Geoff Jenkins and a fringe prospect. The Red Sox could not make such a deal without hurting their team unless they acquired a slugger such as the Pirates’ Jason Bay or Reds’ Adam Dunn in a separate trade.

He also writes the Mets have the best shot. Oh, goodie.

Marlins join Phillies atop Manny sweepstakes [SI.com]

Hillary Clinton Won’t Ever Leave Us Alone

And you thought you could escape the election during a simple Phillies-Mets game, at least in between the commercial breaks. No go: Hillary Clinton’s supporters parked right behind the Phillies dugout — which meant that after the cameras realized there were Clinton signs there, we never saw another shot of a left-handed batter from that angle again. Thanks for ruining the game, Hillary!

No sporting arena is safe, it seems: Tonight, there’s a rally with Bill, Hillary and Chelsea at The Palestra. Hillary was naturally on Q102 this morning as well.

‘I’m Stephen A. Smith, Bitch!’

Hey, Stephen A. Smith finally got fired! Hey, he has a blog! Hey, people are posting comments to Stephen A. Smith’s blog!

Wait, does anyone care about anything even remotely related to Stephen A. Smith anymore?

Good, that’s what I thought. Geezus, at least that other ESPN lady got drunk and somehow got suspended for offending people at a roast.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming of things not related to Stephen A. Smith.

Getting Ready For March Madness

Last night was Selection Sunday for the NCAA Tournament, and while Drexel didn’t get in — but Arkansas, somehow, did — both Villanova (9 seed, vs. Kentucky) and Penn (14 seed, vs. Texas A&M) will be playing later this week.

To help get you in the spirit for March Madness, here’s a clip from SportsCenter a week or so back, when Penn clinched its NCAA Tournament berth.

Yep. The Yale Bulldogs are now apparently the Yale “Bulldykes,” according to ESPN. If that doesn’t get you ready for the NCAA Tournament, I don’t know what will.

76ers To Win NBA Title, And Other Obvious Conclusions

ESPN.com’s Chris Sheridan spends actual words — seven-hundred and twenty-six of them! — today writing about the possibility that the 76ers, flush with “talent” now that Joe Smith and Andre Miller are on the team, could end up playing themselves out of the lottery.

It works like this: If the 76ers’ pick is in the top 15, they keep it. If it falls out of the top 15, the pick goes to the Golden State Warriors. It’s all part of a July 2003 trade involving the Sixers, Knicks, Timberwolves and Warriors.

If you’re scratching your head, join the club. The 76ers are currently 5-18 and last in the Atlantic Division, the worst division in basketball. Sheridan writes that the 76ers only have to go 36-23 over the rest of the season to reach .500.

Here are other likely scenarios for our local sporting teams as we travel into the next year:

• After squeaking into the playoffs with a shocking turnaround, the 76ers will give out free tickets to inner-city children for the first playoff series, filling the place with 20k disadvantaged kids and zero people in suits. The 76ers are so inspired they go on to win the NBA title.
• The Flyers will not lose in regulation for 35 consecutive games, somehow still will miss playoffs.
• Pat Burrell will not have sex during next year’s baseball season.
• Pat Burrell will play well during next year’s baseball season.
• After Ryan Howard’s 18th homer of the year, he will circle the bases backwards while shouting “I CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REGULAR AND DIET DR. PEPPER!” When he reaches home plate, he’ll spin three times and eat the heart of a frog.
• Temple coach Fran Dunphy’s mustache will become sentient.
• Drexel coach Bruiser Flint will coach the rest of the season naked.
• Bill Conlin will spontaneously combust.
• After falling below .500 for the first time all year, the Eagles will win three straight led by a balding, 36-year-old white dude engaged to a former Playboy Playmate of the Year.

Hmm, better hold out on that last one, it seems pretty unlikely.

Trade analysis: Sixers could lose first-round draft pick [ESPN.com]

Phillies Win; ESPN Says ‘Bonds Is Awesome’

Over the weekend, the Phillies hosted Barry Bonds (oh, and his team, the San Francisco Giants) and swept them, extending their winning streak to eight games and moving four back of the Mets in the NL East. Bonds, though, did hit his 713th career homer last night into the upper deck.

The weekend was a media circus, with approximately 40,000 reporters at Citizens Bank Park. Except for the Phillies beat guys, the reporters were there to follow Barry Bonds, and not to follow the Phils’ third-straight series sweep.

Fair enough. Bonds is the story. But last night on ESPN, Barry Bonds was treated as pretty much the second coming of Jesus, only with a higher on-base percentage. They spent the entire broadcast talking about him. Now, granted, he is the main story, but there were two teams playing, and one was ahead 5-1 after two innings.

ESPN went down to Peter Gammons outside the dugout — how do you get there, even, during the game? — twice; the first time was to talk about how the Giants were so upset that the media might be interested in Barry Bonds chasing Babe Ruth’s home run record and that they might stand around in the clubhouse waiting for him. The second time, Gammons quoted Cory Lidle’s Bonds bashing earlier in the week, and then said something like, “Barry Bonds’ OPS in 1992 was higher than Babe Ruth’s ever was!”

Indeed! Wait, what?

Now, yes, Barry Bonds is a great hitter, and it wasn’t just steroids that helped him hit homers. (Actually, I think the ‘roids helped him recover from injuries quick more than anything.) Bonds always had a great eye and swing.

But, y’know, when a majority of the stadium is booing after Bonds’ home run last night and the ESPN announcers are going, “Lots of people are standing,” it just reminds you that Bonds On Bonds, the ESPN reality show, airs later this week.

Well, I guess that’s the point. Sigh.

Bonds 713, Phils 8 [Inky]
A Night of Bonds [Finger Food]

Happy Valentine’s Day from T.O. and Drew!

Clearly, it will be a happy V-Day for those two lovebirds.

ESPN.com