Email Of The Day

Dear Sir/Ma’am;

This is my second request for attention to this matter.

I am requesting information as to why a Stop Sign has not been placed at the intersection of Lawrence Street and Master Stret in Philadelphia, 19122.

This is a very dangerous intersection, with children and families constantly crossing at this cross-street junction between a Family Shelter and a Day Care on opposite sides of Master Street. Cars pass through this intersection very fast, and several near accidents involving pedestrians have already occurred.

This is my second request for this information.

I look forward to a speedy reply from the Streets Department.

I got this email earlier today (and only added the link to Google Maps); I shall now pass it along to you. For some reason I find it oddly hilarious.

Scam Email — With Scary Voice Over

Last night, Fox 29’s Jeff Cole reported on some sort of scam email that says if you don’t pay several thousand dollars to a hitman, he’ll kill you. This was part of “Fox 29 Undercover,” even though it didn’t really involve any undercover work.

The highlight of the segment, though, is the voice-over reading the email; any of the death threats I’ve received would be way better if I could get somebody to read them in that voice. Also, apparently some versions of the email are in all caps, always the sign of a competent and professional hit man.

Redlasso video after the jump.

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My Email Program Knows All

Turns out Clinton wanted me to share my bank account information in exchange for a cabinet position. Thanks to my Thunderbird, I was able to scoop out this 409 (ha!) 419 scam.

76ers Tickets Finally Pay Off

I had purchased some overpriced 76ers tickets from Comcast earlier this year, which added me to the 76ers Sixth Man Club. I didn’t think this club had any benefits until the email above, which I received last night. Finally!

Bill Conlin Feels Same Way About Bloggers As I Do

Apparently Bill Conlin’s column about Jimmy Rollins’ MVP made people on the Internet angry. You see, Conlin made a lot of stupid jokes about how, ha ha, people who care about baseball stats are idiots. (If you’re counting at home, that makes a major columnist and last year’s Phillies beat writer who believe looking at baseball stats is wrong or something.)

Anyway, a sports blogger emailed Bill Conlin to disagree with his column — and, yeah, stat-wise, there’s no way you can make the case for Rollins as MVP, even though Conlin compared him to Ernie Freaking Banks — and Conlin eventually responded angrily.

The only positive thing I can think of about Hitler’s time on earth–I’m sure he would have eliminated all bloggers. In Colonial times, bloggers were called “Pamphleteers.” They hung on street corners handing them out to passersby. Now, they hang out on electronic street corners, hoping somebody mouses on to their pretentious sites. Different medium, same MO. Shakespeare accidentally summed up the genre best with these words from a MacBeth soliloquy: “. . .a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. . .”

Hey, I wish somebody would put all the bloggers in concentration camps, too! And, while we’re at it, let’s throw in major daily sports sections that are shadows of their former selves.

Correction: Blogs Not All That Free Spirited

When I make a mistake, I usually simply correct it in text, note it, and move on. Sometimes if it’s a spelling error nobody’s noticed I don’t note it, but, you know, there are plenty uncorrected spelling errors on this site that make me look stupid enough. I mean, who knew there were two i’s in missile? Anyway, sometimes the errors I make are so egregious a full post is necessary. This is one of those times.

Actual email received earlier this week from one Warren Hoffman, dramaturg for Philadelphia “Theatre” Company:

As the dramaturg for Philadelphia Theatre Company and speaking on behalf of our staff, I’m writing to say that we take great offense to the “obviously” factual errors in the recent posting about Edward Albee (link). While the cracks about Oklahoma! and Virginia Woolf are obviously wrong and “silly,” the presentation of such factual errors in conjunction with Mr. Albee’s career does a disservice to him and to us, Philadelphia Theatre Company. While we are aware that there is a “free-spirited nature” to blogs, insofar as this particular blog is affiliated with Philadelphia Weekly, a newspaper with which we have a strong professional connection, it is upsetting to have one of our nation’s most esteemed playwrights be treated by your paper in this disreputable way. We would like, please, either the erroneous facts to be corrected immediately or a retraction printed.

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Marcus Hayes Will Not Tolerate Your Criticism, Nerd

Marcus Hayes is the Philadelphia Phillies beat writer for the Daily News. He apparently also doesn’t like statistics like on base percentage and on base percentage plus slugging.

Over on Phillies blog The Good Phight, a blogger emailed Marcus Hayes about some story Hayes wrote in the DN. The blogger, one “jonk,” intros his post with this piece of unintentional hilarity:

We have the word “Phight” in our name, but I find that we aren’t putting up much of a fight at all. We run parallel instead of perpendicular. At least for me, that is going to change. Philadelphia is known for it’s hard hitting sports “journalism” and being tough on the players. The problem is that the “journalists” get a free pass. Well, not from me and not any longer. I am tired of the animosity and disdain that the sports writers have for the general fan and for analytical thought.

Anyway, jonk doesn’t post what story it was, but he did send Hayes a critical email, which we can all assume it was as reasonable as the paragraph above. Here’s some of Hayes’ response:

OBP and OPS are geek numbers, especially for run-producers. I’d rather have my 3-4-5 guys drive the best strike they see rather than wait for the perfect pitch and jog down the baseline.

Sabremetrics are the bastion of wannabes who never could quite figure out which hand the mitt went on, a false industry created and fueled by people whose association with the game always will be vicarious, and, frankly, pathetic.

As opposed to sports writers, who are clearly… former… major league… baseball… players? Ha ha, remember when the Phillies were short in the bullpen and they got Marcus Hayes to close that one night? Man, that was awesome.

Fighting the good phight [The Good Phight]

And Now, An Email From Wife Number Two

NBC 10 news: The number one source of Philadelphia news for Moroccans!

Are you sure that was an email from her and not from a Nigerian scammer? There are more here. Unfortunately, the emails are apparently real.

Another big NBC 10 story right now: A reporter had a baby.

Morton’s Second Wife Sends Emails To NBC 10 [NBC 10]
Wife charged; details emerge [Inquirer]

Email Of The Day

You have to admit, their optimism is… I dunno, something. Charming, maybe? But also hilarious.

Reserve Your 2008 Sixers Playoff Tickets Today [Comcast/Sixers]

Reason #11 To Love Philadelphia: 76ers Marketing Team

Actual email sent from the 5-9 76ers marketing department this morning:

How would you like to GUARANTEE NOW that if the 76ers qualify for the 2007 NBA Playoffs, YOU can be THERE to see them play – AND, that you’ll receive your playoff tickets at face-value?

The 76ers have teamed up again with TicketRESERVE to provide a clear path for 76ers fans to reserve face-value seats to ALL FOUR ROUNDS of the 2007 NBA Playoffs.

TicketRESERVE’s 2007 NBA market is NOW OPEN, and Philadelphia is among the first teams to be offered! New teams will be introduced each week as the season progresses.

Ahh, yes. A team that’s won 36 percent of its 14 games so far is surely headed right for the playoffs! Lovely.

Get Your Playoff Tickets Now! [Sixers.com]