Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: What’s so amazing about Bush’s presidency is the best “success” of the Bush administration Christine Flowers can come up with is — I shit you not — he kept us safe from terrorism. You know, because nothing happened after that one huge terrorist attack, it means we’re all warm and fuzzy and safe now. Because all we had was one huge terrorist attack. Thanks, President Bush!

Elmer Smith: Wow, did Bernie Madoff steal money from Elmer Smith directly or something? Oh, no, I see, he’s really mad at Madoff because employees in Fairfield, Conn., might lose their pension. Yeah, that sucks for them, but, um…

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Whoa, a law meant to “protect the children” was poorly-written, dubiously-interpreted and has the possibility to make things worse, for everyone?

But whatever. Ms. Polaneczky wants our children to die of lead poisoning, best I can tell. (This is usually the counter-argument in these situations. No, really.)

Elmer Smith: Umm, yes, in politics the less powerful guys take the fall and guys like Vince Fumo will probably end up being found not guilty. Um, guys, is it super obvious day at the paper?

(Both of these columns today are perfectly fine. Meh, these days are no fun.)

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Some guy had a sign at a rally outside the Israeli consulate that equated the Star of David with a Nazi swastika. Ha ha, get it? Anyway, apparently he didn’t know the swastika was an evil symbol and threw the sign away or whatever.

I’m tempted to say that what happened next could have happened only in Philly, where our Quaker-bred approach to conflict resolution can, at its best, defuse the most potentially explosive confrontations.

But then I’d have to admit that the incident itself could have happened only in Philly, where our cultural insularity can, at its worst, create conflicts that wouldn’t have been created if we’d known better.

Yeah, Jews and Muslims don’t really have tensions elsewhere.

By the way, did you guys see that one Mummers group where the guy held up his hardhat with a Confederate flag on it? Yeah, me too.

Elmer Smith: Hey, a prediction column. Only it’s also making points, you see. And he mentions ending the Cuban embargo, yay!

John Baer: New legislature members are sworn in today. And, look, they’re proposing new taxes on smokeless tobacco and cigars. While admitting I haven’t looked into it, let’s pontificate here: Taxes on smokeless tobacco, cigars, etc., should probably be lower than ones on cigarettes; they demonstrably do less harm since people who use them usually smoke less. Anyway, whatever, in this case the state is putting an extra tax on cigars and the like, which sucks for cigar smokers but not for me. And it’s probably better than raising taxes on cigarettes again, because (wild guess, could be wrong) cigarette smokers would tend to be poorer than people who chew or dip or smoke cigars. Ew, I always forget there are more disgusting ways of using tobacco than cigars.

Where was I? Oh, right, the legislature. Rendell doesn’t want a broad tax increase, but he’s all for making the cigar smokers pay through the roof! By the way, a comment on that York Daily Record story linked above, by “Black Insane Omama”: “Cut welfare benefits. Make the brothers and sisthas work for once.” No matter what the story is on the Internet, somebody will post something racist after it.

Fatimah Ali: Oh, man, it’s a Fatimah Ali column bemoaning the destruction of the family that encourages people to “Get straight with God.” Right. Anyway, this column is kind of awesome:

President-elect Obama faces incredibly high expectations when he takes office on Jan. 20, and I’m relieved that he’s making the bleak economy his No. 1 priority because that focus is long overdue.

He’s also setting a fine example for the rest of the nation with how he conducts himself as a husband and a father. One of the many things that helped him win election was his intolerance for drama, which earned him the nickname “No Drama Obama.” I’m certain his philosophy also applies to his family, which appears to be harmonious, well-run and disciplined.

How can I even comment on this, or summarize it? Who sees Obama and wonders if he makes his kids take a time out when they misbehave?

OBAMA, himself the child of a single-parent household, caught a lot of flak when he called on black fathers to take more responsibility for their children.

OBAMA? I love that it’s all capital letters. Barack Obama should start using just that as his name. Also: Did he really take flak? I have to imagine the next president wouldn’t be risking too much criticism when asking people to take more responsibility (especially if it’s for children!).

This column also recommends a book by Rev. Run.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Former Eagles running back Ricky Watters is a crusader for, uhm, adoption! This is really a fun story, especially when Watters and his wife adopt a half-Korean, half-Nigerian baby with “this big afro,” as Watters puts it. (Of course, Watters and his wife probably can afford to adopt, since he played many seasons of professional football.)

John Baer: Gimmick column alert! And it also has a lot of stale jokes, and every entry is pretty much what you’d expect. It’s the holidays, though, so it’s all good.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Polaneczky, meanwhile, writes from Warsaw, Poland, and says that Pols (Polish people, I guess, not politicians) are praising Poland’s president’s decision to visit a synagogue. Yay! Um, what?

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Someone sure did something nice for the subject of this column.

Elmer Smith: Hmm, I dunno, maybe the Fort Dix Five should get a fair trial, but I’m not really sure. (That’s really a thought in this column.)

Christine flowers: Yes, Christine Flowers on Caroline Kennedy! Let’s take a look:

ABOUT A YEAR AGO, Neil Diamond finally revealed the inspiration for his song “Sweet Caroline.” He of the impressive sideburns said that it was while looking at a picture of Caroline Kennedy in the ’60s that he was moved to write his signature song.

Aside from the slightly creepy aspect of a grown man taking a prepubescent teen as his muse

Get that, Caroline Kennedy? You can’t be a senator because Neil Diamond is a pervert, maybe!

There’s also some stuff about how Caroline Kennedy doesn’t even use her law degree, OMG, and man, we don’t even really know what she does and we surely can’t look it up or anything.

It doesn’t matter, though, I’m pretty sure Caroline Kennedy is already a shoo-in for the senate seat.

Abridged Daily News Columnist

John Baer: Eh, is John using the Rod Blagojevich scandal as a really weak excuse to write about corrupt Pennsylvania pols? Whatever, he mentioned Budd Dwyer, so I’ll cut him a pass here.

Elmer Smith: Are auto workers the new welfare queens? Yeah, I don’t have anything else on this one.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: No politician wants to deal with angry property owners whose taxes were raised.

John Baer: Everyone* in the legislature is forgoing a cost-of-living-increase this year in an attempt to placate angry, poor constituents.

*Not everyone.

Fatimah Ali: AMERICA IS DOOMED, I TELL YOU. DOOMED!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Yes! It’s part two of Stu’s trip to Israel! Check it:

Second, the blue-paint graffito on the concrete wall: “CTRL + ALT + DELETE.”

That’s computer talk for “shut down.”

ALT + TAB. That’s computer talk for I’m switching to another window and I’m done reading. (Not really Stu’s fault, but college pretty much turned me away from caring about Israel/Palestine for the rest of my life. Hooray!)

Ronnie Polaneczky: Oh, man, now a pro-casino group in Fishtown has signed some community/casino partnership letter! What ever will happen next? (Answer: Nothing.)

Elmer Smith: Hey, guess what: Upstanding community members who keep their mouth closed (Marvin Harrison) are treated better than people who annoy everyone (Plaxico Burress)! Also, Mayor Bloomberg wants Burress to go to jail for 15 years. Good to see we’re using jail space wisely!

John Baer: Yes! Sarah Palin is here for the governors’ meeting today. Also Ed Rendell should probably try to fix the state’s budget himself before he goes whining to Obama for New Deal II: Deal Harder.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Hey, we’re back to the “no casinos at all!” movement, apparently. I’m excited. It means we’re going to get some more awesome rhetoric like this:

Have you ever seen the rhetoric that goes around the gambling prohibition? You know what it is. Look, we have had a good time. We have been together yesterday, we have been together today, I have known a lot of you guys for ages. How about after the talk, we have a minute or two, let’s go on up to your room and we will play a little nickel, dime, quarter poker. Want to play some poker this afternoon? Why not? It’s a nice thing to do.

Would we be outraged if the California State Police came barreling through the door and arrested us for violation of California’s prohibition on gambling? Of course we would. Because, who is not supposed to gamble? Oh, you know who is not supposed to gamble — them poor people, that’s who. My God, they will spend the milk money. They don’t know how to control it. They can’t handle it. But us? We know what we are doing.

I’d suggest reading that whole essay linked above if you’re one of those unfortunate enough to be working today. (I’ve linked this thing about 5 times so far; I’ll probably finally shut up about it if you do read it.)

Ronnie Polaneczky: Oh! This is about the nice woman who works the gate at Franklin Field. Fun column. But check out this little note about Penn senior Ricky Choi: He “has launched his own clothing line of lacrosse wear.” Impressive. Only a Penn lacrosse player, no?

Fatimah Ali: Hey, Fatimah Ali! It’s been since Oct. 28, though there’s the very real change I simply have missed her columns before now. Hope everything is going well. Anyway, she is super angry at Mayor Nutter:

I believed his promise that Philadelphia would see a new day, although I must’ve missed exactly what kind of new day he meant. Looking back, I realize that I was too naïve.

But that’s not all!

Crooks could use some restraint and cut down on the city’s criminal-justice burden. People who litter could up their standards and not drop their trash on the streets. Safe and clean streets attract more city dwellers and can help regain the tax base that’s eroded over recent decades. Maybe we can even attract some big corporations to set down roots here and create more jobs.

“Hey, guys, could you cut down on the thievin’? Times are tough right now. Give us a couple of months.” And whenever you drop that bag of chips on the ground instead of in a trash can, you are preventing another big company from coming to Center City.

Christine Flowers: A four-page poem about how the Eagles stink! A parody of The Raven, even. Isn’t that more of a Halloween-style poem?

And, as you know, the Eagles won 48-20 last night. Fitting.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Byokfsky: “After sentencing, I cornered Mendte for a brief, exclusive chat.” Did he say anything interesting? Of course not. What is interesting is that Larry Mendte’s wife (Dawn Stensland) said Mendte’s August “apology” where he went on and on about how he boinked Alycia Lane and Stensland read his emails to find out and oh my God it was maybe the creepiest, weirdest press conference since Bud Dwyer inspired “Hey Man Nice Shot” by Filter. Ha ha, Filter! Anyway, I think I got off track there. Stensland said that apology was sincere and “got twisted in the media.”

Stu Bykofsky is all like, “Well of course he’s sorry, he got caught!” which is probably true.

Elmer Smith: Hey, remember that Fort Dix terrorism trial over in New Jersey? As usual, the only terrorists our government is competent enough to catch are ridiculously incompetent ones who allegedly thought shooting up an army fort would be a good idea.

More importantly, this column contains a pot joke. Can you spot it? Think of this as a stoner version of Where’s Waldo? And actually more importantly, these kinds of ridiculous informant deals and dumb pointless prosecutions have been going on in the drug war for decades. Who thought the government would wage the war on terror any better?

John Baer: Ha ha, the economy is in shambles and nobody even knows why! But they’re just going to pump more and more money into fixing it even if it doesn’t work — even if we don’t know if it has any chance of working — because, well, that’s how we do things here in America. Duh.