Smerconish Just Messing With Us Now

I was grilling while we simultaneously played a game of family soccer. Four hand-molded ground sirloin patties simmered on the flame alongside four all-beef hot dogs. The smell of dinner wafted through the neighborhood as we staged a match between “Man U” and “Chelsea.”

That’s from the fourth paragraph of Michael Smerconish’s Sunday Inquirer column yesterday. Get it? Ha ha, he puts the things in quotes to show that soccer is stupid! Or he’s unfamiliar with it! Not a terrible writing tactic, but not one I’d like to go into my archives to see how often I’ve fallen back on it. But it’s kind of silly to put quotes around Manchester United and Chelsea, which is sort of like writing, “I was at this so-called sporting event, ‘The Olympics.’”

The column is actually about the exploitation of racehorses leading to Eight Belles’ death. But he’s also eating hamburgers at the same time, so maybe he’s making a point! OMG is Michael Smerconish going to become a vegetarian? Is he going to grill up murder suspects and eat them? Is it really funny that his dog is named Checkers?

The first two I’m not sure. But the third one is a definite yes.