Memo To Philly.com

Uhm, guys, you changed the front page photo. Uhm, I guess that’s a little better. But if you’re going the pageviews over journalism route, just plaster her tits all over the front page and be done with it. Had we but world enough, and time, this coyness, Philly.com, were no crime. But this is 2008 and there are boobs all over the Internet.

Philly.com Still Milking Dead Cow

All together now: WHO???

Looks like Tierneycorp’s Philly.com is going to continue to run with that Jocelyn Kirsch story, even though she’s in prison now and nobody cares about the dude.

To make things even better? Well, it appears Philly.com believes Edward Whatever was just a poor pawn of Jocelyn Kirsch, powerless to her magical chest of incredible size. Oh, whatever, that sounds like something the Philly.com commenters could get behind.

Sentencing today for Edward Anderton in fraud scam [Inquirer]

Jocelyn Kirsch Reaches Plea Agreement

The excellent, professional graphic at right from NBC 10 can only mean one thing: It’s time for a hearing for Jocelyn Kirsch and Edward Anderton!

Sadly, though, Kirsch’s lawyer has said she has reached a plea agreement, preventing us from witnessing the hilarity of a trial. But I suppose it’s good for her and her family or whatever. The Associated Press reported Kirsch will plead guilty to “two counts of aggravated identity theft, one count of bank fraud and one count of money laundering.”

The deal would include prison time. As we all know, prison is a perfectly easy way for rehabilitation and she will no doubt be a better person when she leaves. Or she’ll have joined the Latin Kings.

Lawyer: Former Student, ID Fraud Suspect Signs Plea Deal [AP/NBC 10]

Jason-Like, Bonnie & Clyde Are Back

Hey, remember Jocelyn Kirsch? Yes, of course you do. You probably don’t remember Edward Anderton, the other dude in the Bonnie and Clyde of Identity Fraud case from last year.

One might think things are a little quiet on the Kirsch and Anderton front nowadays, but that didn’t stop British paper The Observer from doing a giant piece on ol’ B&C. By giant, I mean 4100 words! On Bonnie & Clyde!

Steeped in narcissism and privilege, fuelled by entitlement, theirs is truly an outlaw romance for the 21st century. The Philadelphia Daily News immediately dubbed the photogenic couple ‘Bonnie and Clyde’. It’s a name some people take exception to. ‘Bonnie and Clyde, that’s only because they’re young and good-looking,’ scoffs Detective Terry Sweeney of the Philadelphia police. ‘These two were complete idiots. If this was two fat fucks from South Philly, it would have been Turner and Hooch.’

Yeah, too bad the phrase was originally coined by a police source. Wah-wah!

The article is full of unintentionally hilarious sentences. The first one here is the best:

• 22-year-old Jocelyn was a final-year student at nearby Drexel University, a big step down from Penn.
• Each year, Jocelyn also reinvented herself, swapping old friends for new ones, transforming from goth girl to Abercrombie prep to frisky cheerleader wannabe.
• While Jocelyn was fast becoming Drexel’s answer to Paris Hilton, a few blocks away at the University of Pennsylvania, Edward Kyle Anderton was winding down his college career in obscurity.

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Ohio’s Bonnie & Clyde: Bank Robbers, Witches

In the great time B.A.C.A.C.A.F.D. (Before Alycia Called A Cop A ‘Fucking Dyke’), this is what I was going to post first thing Monday morning. Over the weekend, CNN’s front page included this write-up of a real ‘07 Bonnie and Clyde, a trio (Nicole Boyd, Roger Lee Dillon and his mom, Sharon Lee Gregory) alleged to have stolen $7.4 million from an armored car company Roger Lee worked for.

Only, this Bonnie & Clyde are, literally, the hillbilly version of Jocelyn Kirsch and Edward Anderton. The three were picked up after allegedly taking the millions after Black Friday. They’re the talk of Hickville (see), everyone’s making fun of them for leaving behind hilarious clues (see) and a hot girl who could have been a model (see).

Only, since it’s not Philadelphia and is instead Youngstown, Ohio — two hours away from Oberlin! — she was actually $290 in debt to one of those mall modeling companies — the $290 was for the first year of a three year modeling contract — that makes you pay money first. Oh, but she wasn’t charged! “She was like an All-American girl. She was beautiful,” the president tells the AP.

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Criminals Cheated On Test

Sorry, I’m like a day or so behind on the whole Bonnie & Clyde of Identity Fraud thing. I needed to stop writing about it to feel cleaner about myself. Also, I’ve been studying more Kirsch photos, including the Is She Still Hot? one at right.

The big story yesterday in the Daily News was that Clyde may have taken a test for Bonnie. Oh, no, the identity thieves cheated on a test together!

Before the start of every class this fall - held Tuesdays and Thursdays from 12 to 1:50 p.m. - Edward K. Anderton brought lunch to his honey, Jocelyn S. Kirsch, usually a fruit-and-cheese selection from Starbucks, one student who saw the couple told the Daily News.

The story finally fell off the front page of Philly.com today, but there’s still a link to this tale of Drexel warning students about identity theft.

This Is Only The Beginning For Bonnie & Clyde

Let us begin this week as it began, by pontificating on the fate of one Jocelyn Kirsch (and Edward Anderton). Now that the pair could face federal identity fraud charges, it’s time to look at the actual moral implications of delighting in a person’s trip to jail.

“The part of me that was friends with her knows she’s sad and that’s why she does the things that she does,” [a friend from high school] said. “The part of me that’s a little bit vindictive is not sad to see her getting hers, but hopefully some good will come of it and she’ll straighten herself out.”

Ha ha, just kidding, this is the Internet, what are morals, etc., etc. I do like that quote, though, because it totally helps prove my point that Drexel girls are just so ridiculously mean. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Anyway, that comes from today’s Daily News article, which talks about how Kirsch pretended to be an Olympic pole vaulter, which is pretty much the greatest thing ever.

Another classmate said Kirsch posted a photo of herself on her Facebook page - don’t bother looking for it, she took down the page over the weekend - pole vaulting “some ridiculous height that only an Olympian could do,” said the former bud, who spoke on condition of anonymity. The face in the photo was too dark to discern, the classmate said, adding that “it was clearly taken from another site.”

Some of Kirsch’s Drexel classmates never really bought the notion, including one Facebook user who posted a photo on one of two Facebook pages dedicated to Kirsch, titled “SHE GOIN’ TO JAAAAAAAAIL!!!! (and THAT’S hilarious).” The image features a pole vaulter with Kirsch’s police mug shot as the head and two cops behind her on Segways. The caption reads, “Can’t catch me, I’m a gold medalist!!!”

Photo after the jump

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Blue-Collar Dads In Blue-Collar Caps

Hmm, where were we? Oh, right: The Bonnie & Clyde of Identity Fraud. Anyway, yesterday the parents showed up to take Jocelyn Kirsch (22, w/ tits) and Edward Anderton (25, w/o) home to get away from Lu Ann Cahn standing out front of their condo.

Anyway, the lawyerly damage control has already begun. Anderton’s family, it turns out, can only afford baseball caps.

“To his parents, this is a lot of money,” Anderton’s attorney, Larry Krasner, told Municipal Court Judge Thomas Gehret yesterday. Krasner, who had few words for reporters, griped to Gehret that their reports had made it look like Anderton “is somehow privileged and he is wealthy.”

Facing Bail Commissioner Dwain Hill at a later hearing, Krasner said: “His father works for a newspaper, and he goes to work in a baseball cap and blue jeans.”

Meanwhile, radio DJ Kidd Chris has offered $2,000 for an interview with Kirsch. Two thousand? Please. Girl’s probably just spent that much on Chris’ credit card just this morning.

Bonnie & Clyde Leave Town; City Continues Enthrallment

A reader emailed me to complain I was spending too much time focusing on the media’s obsession with Jocelyn “Bonnie” Kirsch of the 2007 Bloodless Bonnie & Clyde duo (which also features Edward Anderton, who nobody knows anything about).

Yesterday, the pair both left the city to return to their home states. Anderton (who?) is home on the west coast in Washington, while Kirsch is back home in North Carolina.

But back to the actual crime: Police allege Kirsch and Anderton stole the identities of several people — five so far, according to NBC 10 — banking at least $100,000. Police say they may have installed spyware on their neighbors’ computers; a discussion I had with not one but two separate Foodery clerks came to the conclusion they totally made a ton of amateurish mistakes.

When police raided their Rittenhouse apartment, they allegedly found a ton of fake IDs and, most hilariously, a 2005 Daily Pennsylvanian article about how bouncers spot fake IDs. The cops also found Kirsch’s iPhoto directory (or whatever) and released a ton of photos to the press to make the story sexier.

More on this later today — hopefully I can dump everything in “bonnieandclyde.txt” on my desktop on the blog today — but the main story is definitely that Facebook group “SHE GOIN’ TO JAAAAAAAAIL!!!! (and THAT’S hilarious)” is back up. Wow, Drexel girls are way mean. Rawr.

Oh, yeah, and that other Jocelyn Kirsch Facebook group has photos of her from elementary school. Ahh, okay.

Nobody Really Cares About Clyde

You know who I’m starting to feel bad for? Eddie Anderton. Yes, me and Eddie go way back to, earlier this week, when I wrote about his arrest being chronicled in the Daily News.

That’s about the last anyone’s heard of Anderton, who could probably have snuck out of the country by now. All anyone cares about is Jocelyn Kirsch, the 22-year-old Drexel student who, if you didn’t notice, has tits. Yes, this is how the media works, people, you can complain about it but you must deal with it. I’m sort of at a tipping point where I’m ready to start feeling bad for her, simply because every sorority girl in the tri-state area is getting to bitch about her in print. Even anonymously sometimes. Hell, the girl from yesterday’s Daily News is being sourced all over.

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