‘Northeast Times’ Celebrates Obama Election The Only Way It Knows How

Some news: The Northeast Times‘ website is now part of Philly.com’s MyCommunity section! Obviously! And for some reason all the stories are in Courier New.

That being said, let’s cut to the quick: This week’s editorial, about the inauguration of Barack Obama.

OK, racists of all colors, you can drop the hatred act now. Your gig is up. You can shut your filthy mouths now, for is officially colorblind. Barack Obama, ’s [sic] “first black president,” is now just “President Barack Obama.”

This of course means the time has come to disband groups and causes that are reserved for one race or another. No more “black colleges.” No more “United Negro College Fund.” No more “Black Journalists Association.”

What better way to celebrate the inauguration of the nation’s first black president than by calling for the end of all black colleges! I honestly can’t tell. Is it being tongue-in-cheek? It really doesn’t seem so, but it’s so absolutely insane that I’m wavering. (I’ve heard this argument before, though, too.)

Who knew that the point of the United Negro College Fund was to one day elect a mixed race man as president? The only private organization that should be demolished with the election of Barack Obama is the Group To Elect One — And Only One — Hawaiian President.

The editorial goes on to talk about how Obama’s race is irrelevant, and that he shouldn’t really deal with race at all. That it begins by calling for the end of the Black Journalists Association proves, I think, that Obama will be addressing race issues throughout his presidency.

Editorial: Hail to the chief [Northeast Times]

NE Times: Repeal 8th Amendment

Oh, I just knew there’d be something good in there this week! From the Northeast Times editorial this week:

After Congress and the president finally find a way to avert another Great Depression, they should turn to approving a constitutional amendment that would lift the ban on cruel and unusual punishment and allow states to torture repeat hard-core criminals and vicious, cold-blooded murderers.

Um, guys, I’m pretty sure we already torture people, just not on the books. (Gitmo, prison rape, etc.) However, I do appreciate your choice of an appropriate headline for your editorial.

More madness [Northeast Times]

NE Times: Jesse Helms, Hero To All Races

Pop quiz: Which Philadelphia newspaper eulogized Jesse Helms positively in its current edition? If you said the Northeast Times, you already knew you were right.

Northeast Philly residents might not want to admit it, but many were probably saddened to hear that Jesse Helms, the former U.S. senator from North Carolina, died on the Fourth of July.

The archconservative senator was long branded a racist by many liberals because he dared to oppose efforts to make Martin Luther King Day a federal holiday, but the truth is, Mr. Helms was no racist. He helped the people of the Tar Heel State regardless of race. He also spoke and voted his heart. If only more politicians would do that, what a wonderful country this might be.

I don’t know about you, but my favorite part is “Northeast Philly residents might not want to admit it.”

They deserve it [Northeast Times]

Now This Is A Way To Start An Editorial

Thank you, Northeast Times:

It’s time for the vocal minority of tree-hugging, narrowminded naysayers who live in fantasy land to put up or shut up. Come up with a cure for cancer or step back and let Fox Chase Cancer Center do its job unfettered.

Ahh, the ol’ “find a cure for cancer” demand.

A crucial decision [Northeast Times]

Oh, Northeast Times, How I Miss You

From an editorial last week:

Who among us is sad that Howard Cain, who police believe shot and killed Sgt. Liczbinski, was himself shot and killed by police shortly after the sergeant was killed? If Cain was guilty of murder, he got what he deserved.

And if he was innocent, oh well, sorry about that.

Mumia Inspires Eagles-Like Insanity

An editorial in the Northeast Times a few weeks ago opined about Mumia Abu-Jamal’s death sentence and how it hasn’t been carried out yet even though it was thrown out by a high court.

But ignoring that little piece of evidence wasn’t enough for the Times. No, the paper also decided to ignore the Constitution:

A sizable chunk of Philadelphia’s police force calls Northeast Philly home, and for these men and women in blue — and all law-abiding citizens everywhere — the time for Mumia Abu-Jamal to redeem his one-way ticket to hell cannot come too soon. When that great day comes, let’s hope he suffers a torturous death.

Yep. Forget that ban on “cruel and unusual” punishment. He should suffer! I haven’t seen somebody this excited about murdering since Bush got us into the Iraq war.

Kill him already! [Northeast Times]
Yesterday: Eagles’ Winning Streak Inducing Craziness

‘Inquirer’ Continues Quest For Suburban Mom Demo

I’ll cut to the quick: Yesterday’s Inquirer noted the biggest story of our time. The Inky editorial board put on its long pants and editorialized in memory of the Yellow Wiggle. Amazingly, the lead isn’t bad:

The Beatles had their beat and the Wiggles, well, they have their wiggle.

And it is “Greg Wiggle” - not John, Paul, George or Ringo - who is being thought of today.

The Wiggles, an enormously popular children’s music group, hails from Australia but has sold more than 15 million CDs and DVDs in the United States. The Wiggles’ cable TV show is watched by legions of preschool devotees, and their parents.

The music is simple and catchy and blessedly free of raunch or violence. That was a conscious choice: Three Wiggles took early childhood studies in college.

Band members are identified by the color shirt they wear. Now, fans must cope with the Yellow Wiggle’s sudden departure. Lead singer Greg Page, after learning he had a serious illness, recently passed on his trademark yellow shirt to a backup.

Kids seem to be dealing with the change far better than their parents. There’s a lesson in that: Who makes the music isn’t nearly as important as singing and dancing to it.

Jesus. Just wait until Raffi dies.

Editorial | Wiggle on, mates [Inquirer via Citizen Mom]

Yes, But Will Organized Labor Still Change Forever?

The Evening Bulletin ran an editorial — I assume — today about the newspaper strike. Here it is, in full:

Social change is not linear. Although we like to think of history as a gradual progression, real change happens in dramatic shifts, or “tipping points”. The pending strike by editorial employees at the Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News marks one of these momentous changes. As we go to press, the editorial employees at the Inquirer are preparing to strike. The unions representing the majority of employees, who actually print and deliver the newspapers, had reached tentative agreements with management and stated “We think a strike is really going to hurt us. We’re going to go to work,” even going so far as to say they would cross picket lines. Say it any way you want, the history of organized labor in the newspaper business just changed.

Strikes are an imperfect mechanism for resolving labor disputes. But then, unions themselves have been in the process of engineering their own demise for decades. Having devolved from their original role of protecting the collective well-being of their members, they now most closely resemble the classic communist state on the edge of collapse. Inherent inefficiencies have made this end inevitable from the beginning. One way or another, a rational model for the industry will emerge.

Yep, say it any way you want, the history of organized labor in the newspaper business just changed. Except that, well, it didn’t. Looks like Soviet Russia’s still alive and well!

Newspaper Industry Will Change Forever [The Evening Bulletin via promohthree]

Leftovers: Preditorial Congressman

• The editorial highlight of the day goes to the Inquirer, which had an editorial about congressional pages that included this paragraph: “In addition to learning about the federal sausage factory from the inside, pages often get to see celebrities who visit Congress to promote their causes. One day they might get their picture taken with actor Chuck Norris, the next day the Dalai Lama. And many pages form lasting friendships with each other.” [Inquirer]

• Now that was pretty impressive, considering it had to contend with this Daily News editorial about limbo and Pluto which I keep reading over and over and over and I don’t know what’s going on aiiiiiiiiiyyeeeee… [Daily News]

• Yahoo headline: “Full moon to appear 12 percent bigger.” There’s a dirty joke in here somewhere, I just can’t put my finger on it. [Space.com/Yahoo!]

• Yay! Pennsylvania’s going to get a little cleaner! [Bucks County Courier Times]

‘Northeast Times’: Blame Gays For Philly’s Problems

Ohhh, Northeast Times. Really, I always thought the true insanity was buried on the letters pages, not the editorial. Okay, I’ve clowned on it before, surely, but why’d you have to let Fred Phelps write this week’s? The full editorial (emphasis mine):

We all know that the Boy Scouts of America do so much for this country, from helping little old ladies cross the street and collecting food and clothing for poor people to preserving our natural resources and building character in the young men of the nation. They are as American as Mom (and Dad!) and apple pie.

And that is why it is so sad to see Mayor John Street picking a fight with the Boy Scouts of America’s local chapter, the Cradle of Liberty Council, by trying to evict them from their city-owned headquarters in Center City, all because of a legal matter that is essentially a non-issue.

The Boy Scouts of America does not allow known homosexuals to serve in leadership positions; the organization asserts in no uncertain terms that homosexual conduct is inconsistent with the values that it tries to instill in its members. The organization is 100 percent right — ethically, morally and legally.

Set aside, for a moment, the arguments that there is no constitutional right to be gay and that in the beginning, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. They’re valid points, but they’re not really the issue.

The real issue is that the Boy Scouts of America is a private organization that does not discriminate on the basis of race or religion. According to the U.S. Supreme Court, the BSA has the right to exclude homosexuals from leadership roles. It’s an American right, and it’s the law of the land from the highest court in the land. Mr. Street may not like it, but it is what it is, and he is not above the law.

Mr. Street, who is a Seventh-day Adventist, is making a mountain out of a molehill on the Scout issue, perhaps because he thinks it’s the “politically correct” thing to do. Like everybody else, however, the mayor should remember the part of the Scout oath that calls for Scouts to be “morally straight.” America might just get back on track if we all adhered to that.

The future, after all, is at stake.

Funny, I read this editorial, and now I hate Boy Scouts, the Northeast Times and straight people.

Support the Scouts [Northeast Times]