Historic Times For America, Easton Jewelers

I was watching an episode of Family Feud on Channel 69 (the Lehigh Valley station) because it had two teams of celebrity impersonators facing each other. This sort of makes the “Family” part of the show’s name kind of moot; but the Bono impersonator was really good. Wow, who knew there were Bono impersonators?

Anyway, I kept Channel 69 on to watch their 10 o’clock news program, and it opened with Obama’s historic speech at his historic enormous podium, the largest ever for a candidate’s election-night victory speech. The anchor talked about how the election was historic for America… and then explained that another historic event was taking place in Easton, where a jewelry store was closing.

To be fair, the store is the oldest in America.

I also learned that Red Bull has a helicopter that can do loops and other tricks, and that if you tried to do those in a regular helicopter, you would die. Good to know.

Headless Prostitutes

So, ah, this is apparently what a file photo of a generic prostitute looks like.

Easton Proposes New Prostitution Law [CBS 3]

Easton Could Seize Suspected Johns’ Cars

Big news from the Crayon Factory! The Easton City Council is considering passing a law allowing the city to seize the cars of suspected johns.

The Easton police chief believes seizing a few cars will deter people from cruising for prostitutes. Hey, ha ha, good joke, officer.

Easton: Seeking prostitutes could cost your car [Morning Call]
Photo by telethon, Creative Commons license

First They Came For The Aging Trees

You’re all familiar with gingko trees, no doubt. All over the place in Philly, smelly, but nothing all that awful. Right?

Apparently not. In Easton, Pa. — home of Lafayette College and its more prestigious counterpart, the Crayola crayon factory — they’re knocking down all the gingko trees and replacing them with “[s]weeter-smelling trees,” reports NBC 10.

Naturally, this tree replacement program is bathed in the language of battle: “Easton is waging war on all aging trees in the city and the female gingkos are first on their line to go.” Anyway, apparently Easton can’t deal with a the smell of a few aging female ginkgo trees. Wimps!

Foul-Smelling, Falling Fruit Have Tree-Lined Streets Stinking [NBC 10]

Snow Returns, Reminds Everyone It’s Kind Of Gross

And there we go: First snowfall of the season, a 1.6-inch coating that, uh, didn’t really bother anyone all that much. It was kind of disgusting out, though.

But, more importantly: How did the local stations do in predicting it? Fox is actually in first — they were the only station to call for over an inch. Lowest score wins, and Fox still as zero points. NBC is incompetently already five points behind Fox, which may be hard to ridiculously easy to make up, I don’t know.

With only 1.6 inches of snow it’s not really enough for any sort of winter fun. But in Easton somebody put up signs threatening a $300 fine for sledding. The mayor and City Council don’t know where they came from; they just sort of showed up one day.

Dan Brettell, of Palmer Township (duh), does make a good point in the NBC 10 report, though:

“What is the city going to do when there’s 250 people? Come here with entire police force from Forks and Palmer townships and start handing out $300 fines? I doubt it.”

Yes, I doubt it too, Dan. I mean, when can you get the Forks Township police force to ever go into Easton?

Sledders may be slapped with fine for frolicking in snow [NBC 10]
Snowfall Challenge Grades, event #2 [Phillyweather.net]

81-Year-Old Liberals Now Terror Threat

Like most Americans, 81-year-old Dan Tilli isn’t a big fan of President Bush. And like many older Americans, he writes letters to the editor of his local paper, The Express-Times in Easton.

Unlike most Americans, Dan Tilli got a visit from the Secret Service after writing a letter bashing President Bush. The letter was published in Monday’s Express-Times and concluded with the line: “I still believe they hanged the wrong man.” I’d assume he was saying they (the Iraqis?) should have hung Osama Bin Laden instead, but the Secret Service agents decided to drive 60 miles from Philly to Easton to check out if he was thinking about hurting President Bush.

The Secret Service showed up Thursday and chatted with Tilli for an hour before deciding he was not a threat. They asked him a few questions — including if he was thinking about committing suicide, to which he responded “Hell no!” — and checked his closets for weapons, which he agreed to. (In addition to posing no threat to President Bush, Tilli also doesn’t have boxes of Oxycontin in his closet.) Oddly enough, the Secret Service enjoyed their visit, too! I swear to God this is in the article:

Secret Service agent Kenneth Beauchamp said he enjoyed his visit with Tilli.

“He was an interesting man to talk to,” Beauchamp said. “He seemed like a very nice gentleman.”

Fortunately for Tilli, his case file is already closed. (81-year-olds who don’t even know how to get to Washington, D.C., are rarely on the Secret Service’s radar for long.) Tilli is going to keep writing, though: “He [the agent] said they are good letters.” Let’s hope he doesn’t comment on Dick Cheney’s hunting accident, lest he get a visit about wanting to shoot the veep. (How would he acquire the means to hang President Bush, anyway? Shoot I can understand, but not hang.)

Writer finds an agent — from the Secret Service [Express-Times]

Bingo Causes Yet Another Tragedy

You know those stories where it’s just so awful you can’t make fun of it? Yeah, this one would be like that, if the headline weren’t “Pa. man blames molesting on wife’s bingo.”

Yes, one Floyd Kinney Jr. pled guilty in Easton on Friday to molesting two underage girls, cleverly shifting at least some of the blame to his wife, who apparently played bingo a lot. Judge Kimberly McFadden wasn’t so impressed with his excuse, saying: “Some people, when their wives are not home, decide to do other things, like clean their living rooms.” (Ooh, and she broke down gender stereotypes, too, by not saying “like watching football.” Huzzah!)

Kinney’s lawyer, though, tried to explain away his comments, but the judge wasn’t having any of it:

“His wife was not home so he was going to perpetrate on someone and he picked these two children.”

Yep. When your wife leaves, you’re definitely going to perpetrate on something. Geeze.

Update, 7:53 p.m.: Fixed the sourcing on that last quote. Whoops.

Pa. man blames molesting on wife’s bingo [AP/Philly.com]