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Bar Closed In N. Wildwood For (Gasp!) Serving A 20-Year-Old

The Daily News reports today that Keenan’s, beloved North Wildwood Irish pub, will be closed for Irish Weekend. Keenan’s? Closed for Irish Weekend? Be still my Irish heart!

The annual festival, which begins today, brings thousands to the five-mile island to do many things celebrating Irish heritage, like drinking, getting drunk and listening to Timmy Kelly (pictured) while consuming alcohol. (There are events that are about Irish heritage and non-alcoholic fun — and there’s probably a Mass, too — but I’ve never known anyone who attended them. Maybe I only know drunks.)

Keenan’s big sin was (get ready for this) serving alcohol to both a 20-year-old and an 18-year-old. Since every bar everywhere ever in the history of mankind has served underage patrons, the usual maxim with selectively-enforced laws applies: Somebody at Keenan’s pissed the wrong person off.

Keenan says the bar is constantly fighting a battle against fake IDs. He believes that his family is being punished for flaws in New Jersey’s and Pennsylvania’s licensing systems. “That hand we’ve been dealt isn’t 100 percent accurate. Yeah, we served minors. But we confiscated 175 fake IDs from Memorial Day to Labor Day,” said Keenan, 35.

“The bottom line is we have four separate violations, with a total of six underage drinkers in 10 years. Every one of them had a Pennsylvania valid ID with no dupes.”

Hey, only six underage drinkers (in a bar that takes up a whole block) in 10 years! That’s quite a record. Now that the bar is closed for Irish Weekend, no one under the age of 21 will ever drink in New Jersey again. You can lay off now, Richard Codey!

N. Wildwood’s Keenan’s shut for Irish Weekend [Daily News]
Photo by Irish Philadelphia, Creative Commons License

Lawsuit To Coors: Take Sparks Off Market

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If you’ve ever been to a party with people too hip to drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade but not nerdy enough to be a beer geek, you’ve no doubt drank Sparks. The energy drink not only supports Coors (”The Republican beer!”), it looks and tastes like somebody combined Red Bull and battery acid. That means teenagers drink it. It also contains alcohol, which does the same.

As such, the Center for Science in the Public Interest has sued Coors in an attempt to force Sparks off the market. CSPI cites cites a study (.pdf) that suggests caffeine impairs one’s ability to tell drunkenness; whether that’s true or not, good luck getting science to guide drug policy. (This is a hilarious drug policy joke, trust me.) The release goes on:

Sparks’ juvenile web site and guerilla [sic] marketing appeal to young consumers, according to CSPI. The web site offers a recipe for a drink called a “Lunchbox,” consisting of half Miller beer and half Sparks, and elsewhere, the site proposes consuming Sparks for breakfast alongside omelets. The company also hosts give-aways of Sparks at house parties, sponsors events unrelated to beer such as art shows, and engages in other unconventional marketing practices, according to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

Oh, look, it’s all there: Unconventional marketing! A”Lunchbox”! Breakfast! Gorilla marketing! The Journal Sentinel, man! A full-fledged conspiracy to get kids to drink. Scoob, we gotta do something!

The group has already forced Budweiser to can its similar (but unsurprisingly worse) drinks. Unlike Tilt and Bud Extra, people actually drink Sparks, so it’s safe to say this suit will go nowhere. But let’s imagine a whistleblower comes around, with documents that say employees of the company that sells alcohol wanted people (even underage people!) to drink alcohol. We will be shocked, we will demand hearings, we will somehow be utterly surprised by all of this. And we will have hipsters who do more cocaine and teenagers who mix Red Bull with vodka and drink a lot more alcohol with a lot more caffeine in it. Well, maybe.

via Join Together
Photo of Ken (my apologies, man), Creative Commons license

Will Bunch To Release Reagan Book In ‘09

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Oh, man, this is pretty excellent: Next year, Daily News writer/Attytood writer Will Bunch will will release a book on Ronald Reagan. Naturally, it will attack the idea that Reagan was a king among men and should have things in every county named after him. Congrats, Will!

As you might know from this, I’m no fan of Ronald (and Nancy) Reagan and how they harmed America with horrible drug policy. Ronald Reagan could have torn down the Berlin Wall with his own two hands and I’d still believe he did more harm than good. (Not that it was just Reagan; I’m ready to jump through my TV every time I see Bill Bennett with his commentator spot on CNN.)

Sorry, too serious there for a second. Bunch’s blog post contains a lot of links and facts and opinions and really I decided to skip to the hilarious comments.

will has finally realized that his true talent, is in tearing republicans down, even dead ones, it is so much easier than contributing anything positive to the world.

Ha ha ha. I love Internet commenters.

The myth of Ronald Reagan: Coming to your bookstore in 2009 [Attytood]