Giant Drink Tumbler Just What Wildwood Needed

In case you were wondering if Wildwood could get even more condo-fied, well, you’re in luck. The answer’s yes, and the results are… well… that thing at right (click to enlarge).

The monstrosity at right is none other than the Wildwood Beach Hotel & Resort, slated for completion in 2009. It’ll sit directly across from the Wildwood Convention Center, which puts it at around Ocean & Montgomery. It’s not the only new high rise going in on the tiny island. The Atlantic City Press reports that Wildwood recently raised its height maximum — 12 stories — allowing this 25-story resort as well as a bunch of other high rises that already have city approval. (There may be an issue clearing some of the high rises with the state’s Department of Environmental Protection, because of bird migration patterns or something.)

But back to the Wildwood Beach Hotel & Resort. It’s clearly positioning itself as a year-round destination, since it will feature a spa, indoor shopping, an indoor beach and wave pool (!) and a convenient hop, skip and jump to the Convention Center. (The website also calls Wildwood’s sand “finer than any you’ll find in the Caribbean.” There’s more kids’ urine in it, too.)

The design is pretty good up top, with the yellow and oldish motel look. But, uh, giant drink tumbler? Giant lava lamp? Guhwha? It’d look nice and even appropriate without the giant tumbler and lava lamps, but with them, it’s… uh… is there a stronger word than kitschy?

Of course, the $225 million, 190-condo, 150-hotel room resort isn’t just about making money. No, it’s about helping families victimized by 9/11, according to Christian Nickerson (the head of developer Princeton Junction Development Partners):

“As a survivor of the 9/11 attack on Tower One of the World Trade Center, I believe people think differently about travel,” Nickerson says. “Many families would like to have a taste of the Caribbean without the hassles of airport security, passports and a long plane ride. Even in winter, visitors would be able to relax at our indoor beach.”

Oh. Well. God bless your resort, then, Christian. But if your indoor shopping forces the Boardwalk Mall to close, well, there will be hell to pay. There’s a bunch of links below if you want further info on the de-Wildwoodification of Wildwood.

Wildwood Beach Hotel & Resort
Holy Cow, Batman, Wildwood’s Never Gonna be the Same! [Phillyblog]
Coming 2009: Wildwood Condos! Plus Waterpark! And 9/11 Exploitation! [New York Observer Real Estate Blog]
Wildwood developers look to sky [Press of Atlantic City]
Developers Unveil $225M Hotel/Condo Project [Globe St.]

Leftovers: Whale Watching

• A whale has washed up on the shores of Wildwood Crest, leaving the town’s current Autumn population of 15 shocked. [NBC 10]

• The dance-off for jobs at the Philly Park casino continues, with the applicants now comparing it to American Idol. This idea’s a little wacky, but I’m all for replacing getting signatures with dancing to “YMCA” as a way to get on the ballot. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• Be sure to check out the New York Post’s top 10 reasons why TO would want to kill himself list! It has all the hilarity of a root canal performed without novocaine by a labrador retriever who’s also urinating on you. [Gawker]

• For you statheads (ok, for me personally), here’s a listing of the Eagles’ ranking in alternate football statistics from Football Outsiders. [Scrapple]

Leftovers: Sign Sammy!

• With Aaron Rowand probably out for the rest of the season, it’s time for the Phillies to sign a proven home run hitter. A proven bat-corker. An over-the-hill slugger. That’s right: They need to sign Sammy Sosa. That, my friends, would be the only signing that could make this oh-so-strange Phillies season even stranger. [Beerleaguer]

• The weird-but-awesome Calder sculpture on the Parkway has fled the coup to New York City. Hipsters move to the Sixth Borough; art moves to one of the original five. I’m not sure this is a fair trade. [Changing Skyline]

• Drexel University was named the ugliest in the nation. For its buildings — not its students. (Penn would take that crown.) [NBC 10]

• When two male characters kiss on The Simpsons, Bucks County Courier Times columnist J.D. Mullane doesn’t know what to tell his four-year-old son! The horror, the horror! [BCCT]

• Atlantic City’s Steel Pier is being converted into condos. Each room will feature its own diving horse and slot machine. [NBC 10]

Cougars Spotted In Wildwood, Easy Jokes Made Up And Down East Coast

Once every few months, someone will spot a cougar in the area. Remember the cougar in Philadelphia in the mid-1990s? He was everywhere! And everyone’s dad’s brother’s friend had seen him!

It’s been a while since the last sighting — late May by our best count — so, naturally, a cougar was spotted in Wildwood recently by a Wilkes-Barre man. (Shown here is said cougar waiting to board the tram car. Hey, the Wildwood boardwalk is long.)

Corey Daly Sr. said he spotted the big cats on the beach, about 80 yards off the boardwalk, in North Wildwood. Officials are unconvinced — the last confirmed cougar sighting in the area was in Delaware in the 1990s, and that was from a drug dealer who kept it as a pet. (But of course.) There’s no word as to how cougars could even get to Wildwood, which is an island. Do you think they took Route 9 or NJ Transit?

That hasn’t stopped the news media from picking it up (as they should, natch) and from everyone who’s heard the story thinking about the joke they’re going to tell at the bar this weekend when the story comes up. But, hey, easy jokes are our steez, man, so let’s do this: Cougars? In Wildwood? Geeze, and Sea Isle seemed so much more likely.

Hunter claims he saw 2 cougars in Wildwood [Inky]
Cougar (slang) [Wikipedia]
Archives: Cougars

The Out-Of-Towners

“Locals lament the boors at the Jersey Shore,” Philadelphia Inquirer, by Jacqueline L. Urgo, yesterday:

Up and down the coast, from June to September, police, beach patrols, real estate agents, and just about anyone else who will listen field calls and complaints about disorderly conduct, or trespassing, or misappropriated parking spots, or streakers on the beach, or tourists feeding seagulls.

“There’s an old saying at the Shore that people check their brain at the bridge when they come here for vacation,” said Avalon Chief of Police Stephen Sykes. “Some of them just seem to let go of all common sense, and 90 percent of what they do here are things they wouldn’t dream of doing back home in Pennsylvania or North Jersey.”

Sykes said his department gets so many complaints in the locals-vs.-visitors category each summer that “at some point, we all just stop shaking our heads over it.”

“Curbing drunks is fine with most fans: 20 arrested as Eagles crack down on rowdies,” Philadelphia Daily News, by April Adamson, Nov. 24, 2997:

During yesterday’s showdown with the Steelers, 20 fans were arrested .

Perhaps the biggest surprise was that only one of the 20 people who were collarred was a Philadelphia resident. Most of those nabbed hail from New York, New Jersey, Delaware and the Pennsylvania suburbs.

People are assholes. People from out-of-town are even bigger assholes. Nothing’s changed in nine years.

Locals lament the boors at the Jersey shore [Inquirer]

Grogan Continues Wars On Beach Tags, Reasonable Debate

On Friday, Inquirer columnist John Grogan finally discovered that some New Jersey beaches charge people a few bucks to sit on the sandy shores.

Apparently believing that beach tags, like abortion or capital punishment, is one of those issues where everyone has made up his mind and there’s no sense trying to convince anyone, Grogan name-checked every historical figure except Jesus who he thought would be opposed to beach tags.

Sub, a friend of mine and a frequent-ish commenter here, noted these words from Grogan’s column as particularly grating: “Yeah, I’m a little grumpy. … Maybe it’s the fact that a beach tag should fit any self-respecting American about as comfortably as a tight swimming suit filled with wet sand.”

He wrote:

That’s good writing… if you like tortured, stretched metaphors and fake indignation over the plight of the working class. You’re right, John, let’s abolish property rights, starting with intellectual property: specifically the copyrights to annoying, heartwarming books about dogs.

Ba-zing! Grogan continues his beach tag fun today, calling them an “un-American and undemocratic tradition” and quoting from reader mail on both sides of this issue. As if the “un-American” comparison wasn’t over the top enough, here’s his response to a reader:

“This is one of the ‘fair’ taxes, a true user fee,” wrote Brian Young Jr., who owns a home in Avalon. “Believe me when I say the property owners pay more than enough. How about I buy your beach tags and you pay my property taxes?”

How about you give me your beach house, Brian, and I’ll give you my metered parking space?

Hey, I have an idea! How about I give you five dollars and you agree to never argue like that again?

John Grogan: Taking sides on beach tags [Inquirer]
July 21: WWJD (About Beach Tags)?

WWJD (About Beach Tags)?

Having exhausted the cute puppy and AOL CD beats, Inquirer columnist and Marley & Me author John Grogan turns today to the scourge of every beachgoer in South Jersey. Okay, the scourge of every beachgoer, except in Wildwood and Atlantic City.

Yes, Grogan takes on beach tags today, saying that it’s not the money that bothers him — it’s the principle. Beaches should be free, he writes! And then he wonders what American legends would think of beach tags:

I know what the beach towns say: that keeping clean, safe, lifeguarded beaches costs money, and the burden should be placed on those who use them.

But what would Walt Whitman say? What would Thoreau say? And Jefferson and Adams and Franklin?

What would Woody Guthrie, the balladeer who wrote “This Land is Your Land,” say? Would he have sung, “This land was made for you and me (and anyone else who can afford the fees)”?

Yes! And what would Washington say? And Columbus? And all the American Indians? And Pope Gregory the Great and Charlemagne and Reggie White and Abraham Lincoln and St. Peter and Moses and Richie Ashburn and Johnny Goodtimes and Adam and Eve?

Hmm? Think about that shore, communities!

John Grogan | N.J. beaches not land of the free [Inquirer]

Leftovers: ‘Twins’ Residual Checks Not Enough For Danny DeVito

• Danny DeVito will be joining the cast of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which begins again on FX Thursday. Hollywood insiders are confident that DeVito can speed up the process of the show’s cancellation. [Daily News]

• Here’s what people did in the 1940s down the shore: “It was the height of World War II. [Al] Cunard remembers military patrols walking up and down the beaches, having to shutter the cottage’s windows in air-raid drills, even keeping a bucket of kerosene handy to wash the tarry oil from feet sullied by fuel oil that washed ashore from ships sunk by German U-boats.” Thank you, Lord, for letting my shore trips be a bit more fun. [Camden Courier-Post]

• Skateboarding is probably the only time white suburban kids feel some Michael Smerconish-approved profiling. Be very afraid, shaggy-haired teens with boards. [Daily News]

• Press release of the day: Sherman He[l]msley to attend Altoona Curve game on Wednesday, June 28. [Altoona Curve]

• Lines of the day, courtesy of George Mallet’s blog about horses: “I have a tendency to hit the saddle harder than I should when I’m posting,” and “Plus, it is always a thrill to ride a retired athlete who competed in the sport of kings.” [George's Horse Blog]

• Today’s afternoon activity is obsessively checking the Phillies box score. Down 6-0 after six — it was scoreless through 5 1/2, of course — the Phillies tied it in the ninth on a solo shot by Chase Utley. First homer rookie sensation Jon Papelbon’s allowed all year. Now let’s cross our fingers… [Yahoo! Sports]

North Wildwood: Combine Alcohol With Swimming For Bonus Down The Shore Fun! Only 156 Tickets!

It’s almost the middle of June, and with the official start of summer quickly approaching, we’ll all be heading down the shore for at least a day or two in the coming months. And whether your choice of south Jersey beaches is Avalon, Ocean City, Stone Harbor, Sea Isle, Cape May, Cape May Court House, or wherever, you know that for the trashiest fun possible, you have to go to Wildwood.

This year, North Wildwood has decided to trash up its act a little bit by allowing Morey’s Piers to open up a bar at its water park. Yes, Morey’s Surfside Pier at 25th Ave. (the one everyone calls “Morey’s Pier”) has renamed Raging Waters and turned it into an adult playground.

The new Ocean Oasis is essentially the same thing as the old Raging Waters, with slides and a kids’ area and the lazy river. But there is one exception: The bar. And the pool tables. And chess and backgammon. Oh, and did we mention the serving of alcohol at a water park on the pier?

And people wonder why some of we native Philadelphians have an attachment to Wildwood. C’mon.

Bonus: According to this article, when the alcohol license was still pending, there was a group calling itself “Families Opposing Waterpark Liquor,” or FOWL.

One Seashore Town Allows Water Parks to Serve Alcohol [KYW 1060]
North Wildwood facility seeks OK to serve alcohol [Camden Courier Post]

Respect Thunderstorms, Bitch

CBS 3 Meteorologist Kathy Orr is doing a weekly column this summer about weather at the shore for the Camden Courier Post.

This week’s column is about how to avoid lightning at the shore, and Orr tells us how thusly:

It is important when you are at the beach to understand and respect thunderstorms.

Here are the facts:

EVERY thunderstorm has lightning. Thunder is the sound lightning makes.

And here I thought it was angels bowling.

Stay safe from thunderstorms at the shore [Camden Courier Post]
Kathy Orr [CBS 3]